Being so tight with money?

The miser I knew explained it as a desire to feel special, important, taken care of, loved. We all want that, but the difference in them is they want to be the only special one in the relationship. And they don’t mind doing it in underhand ways.

Again, that fascist mentality of thinking in hierarchical ways.

It’s a very rudimentary way of viewing the world.

Both.
Mean people are obsessed with coming out ahead in EVERY single situation.
It consumes them.
They cannot continence not coming out ahead.
That's why I believe it to be a MH thing.

There is also this ugly satisfaction that they have gotten one over on others when they screw someone over, friend, family, spouse....makes no difference.

That is why it speaks to a huge lack of self esteem/boundaries when someone stays with someone like this.

If you value yourself, you actively protect yourself, simple as that.

Years ago I worked with a fine looking guy late 20's .....when I was early 20's.
The girls in the office and me thought he was real eye candy, gorgeous dark curly hair.
We were out a couple of times with colleagues and I heard one of the lads call him out for round dodging.
He was told to get up and buy HIS round and stop fxcking about.
That's ALL I needed to hear and told the girls not to bother he was a tight twat.
Some didn't think it was a deal breaker, some of us did...
Such an ugly trait.

It’s merely about the psychological payoff of watching the numbers in the savings account change and grow. I would bet a crisp £50 this guy checks his a count several times a day. Even one penny more gives a psychological payoff, that’s why they will fall to such despicable lows as asking for £2.50.

Underlying all this is a need for control.

It may be easier to understand if you liken this to anorexia, the sufferer is harming themselves but they do not see or care because they are addicted to the psychological rush of the control they are exacting over their own body. It feels like a sense of achievement, a job well done.

What makes the miserly person especially odious is that they harm others with their desire for control, unlike the unfortunate person suffering from anorexia.
Probably comorbid with other psychological issues.

It is definitely abusive and the sort of behaviour that would appeal to someone with a fascist mentality, the relentless punishing routine of it all.

The misers on the dark triad ends of the spectrum will delight in the sadism of it all, so yes, the enjoyment will be the dupers delight, in which case, that’s very bad news for OP, making it imperative that she cuts him off completely and forever. Definitely should NOT criticise him when leaving, OP should blame herself or an outside source.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer so long with this, OP.

@Rockrose94 , do not loose your trust in people, but do please react to things that do not feel right to you early on, and never allow someone’s financial status to be a reason why you stay. If a man has enough to get by, that’s enough, he will share whatever he has with you. This guy wouldn’t pour tap water on you if you were on fire, he will be concerned about the water meter.

If a man with wealth will wield undue power over you and you’re slightly susceptible to that, I would avoid them in future. Better to be with a poor dishwasher who loves and respects you and would do anything for you, that kind of love is priceless.

The future can only get brighter for you, once you’ve got rid of this man, they don’t come much worse than him.

Please DO come back to us and tell us how you’re doing, I have absolutely no doubt your life will improve in leaps and bounds, especially your mood. I can’t imagine how frustrating and demoralising this must all have been.

He sounds dull as dishwater, don't waste any more of your life on someone who doesn't want to enjoy life with you as a partnership

People aren't all bad which is why you will be having a wobble but that level of pettiness over money, which in turn has led to you becoming like that back, would definitely erode all the love you had for him over time. Never mind how he would be if you ever had a maternity leave, would no doubt expect you to pay half then too, I read about such men on here and cringe with sympathy.

@Bishopslaurel Do you mean, extremely mean people are proud of how far they can make their money stretch, ie grapes 🍇 lasting forever.
Or proud of getting other people to pay things for them?

The important aspect to remember is that extremely miserly people are actually proud of their behaviour, and they enjoy being that way, that’s why it’s so difficult to dislodge this behaviour. They feel no shame or remorse and are impervious even to counselling.

My ex told me he had this problem with his ex wife and he went to counselling to “modify” his behaviour. He was still the tightest human being I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. He once gave me 2 grapes as a “snack”, two grapes, nothing else, said he wanted the small punnet to last two weeks. Surely it would be rotten by then? It’s complete insanity.

Imagine spending hundreds on counselling, only to still find it difficult to give more than two grapes.

Run, don’t walk.

And YES, I agree with your idea not to make him self aware, it means future women he meets can also run much earlier, rather than him having a chance to disguise his disgusting behaviour until he’s got his hooks into them.
Great idea to help other women not to waste their time with him.

How long was it before he began to pull these tricks when you first met?

No blame on you, most normal people wouldn’t think to notice this stuff until it got out of hand.

This is not a partnership. If your chips were down he wouldn’t flinch and would see you drown. He’s a Scrooge. I couldn’t live with someone like this let alone be in a relationship with them.

If he asks why you're leaving, tell him you don't owe him an explanation, but you do owe him £2.50.

Maybe then he'll work it out for himself...

I'd 100% agree with that.
If he's out tomorrow I'd start moving stuff out that he's not going to notice.

Be kind to yourself OP. Of course there will be a element of doubt. You have been with this man for 4 years. That is a long time when you are young. In those wibbly wobbly times,new read the thread and know you deserve better.

I'm excited for you for Sunday OP. You should keep a note of the date, so a year later you can compare your life, and see how much brighter it is x

You've wasted 4 years on this man?! 😳

Why?

Just want to wish you luck this weekend OP. Hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. Here's to your new life! 🍾

This is an equally great update.

Good luck for Sunday!

How do you find him even remotely attractive? He sounds incredibly self centred and selfish.

My husband is so generous, I literally often forget to take my purse when we’re out as he always covers the bill. Having said that we have joint finances so it’s a little academic, but the gesture is there.

I would be having a serious discussion with your BF at the very least. Tbh he sounds a bit like a relative of mine, he’s had several partners move in with him…… and leave a year or two later ……!

Sorry, I wrote this after some wine myself and didn't see the whole post 😂 Thank god you are leaving this man. Congratulations, you have freedom and happiness heading your way ❤️

If he is out tomorrow, I would make sure that all my important things were packed and handed over to a friend. If you can, and he is not likely to notice, pack and hand over clothes as well. Also, take copies of important paperwork esp relating to finances, Good luck

What's he out doing? Spending lots of money with his friends?

Please report back. !

When I met my now husband I was working part time, didn't drive and had no savings. He used to pick me up from work after waiting around up to an hour for me to finish work. This is when we had been together a few months. He wanted to spend time with me. Fast forward 3 years, we're looking to buy a property. I have little savings but earn slightly more than him. He puts £20k towards deposit, I spent my savings on things for flat. Fast forward another 8 years. We have a house, I earn nearly double his wage. We get paid into a joint account and have done since we bought our property. We take out money to spend on ourselves. Providing it's not a £100+ spend we don't consult eachother on if we can get X, we just get it if we can afford it as a unit. In my opinion this is the best way forward (as long as there are no children involved with old partners). I personally don't understand partnerships whose money is separate.
Note, we have our own personal savings on top of joint savings. We are quite lucky that we as a unit earn above living wage. However if we were to put in the same amount for mortgage and bills my husband wouldn't be able to put anything into savings for both joint and personal. We are a team, we enjoy the life we have as a partnership. My money is his, his is mine so that we can enjoy each other. If your partner is too tight to cough up for a meal what the hell are you wasting your time on him for?

OMG! Just leave… honestly, what is the point of living like this? So daunting - I think I am getting depressed just reading about it!

I hope @Rockrose94 is playing irreplaceable on full volume while packing… and drinking rose