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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
Em1ly2023 · 13/07/2024 21:38

Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 14:03

I have been thinking a lot the last few days and I don't think I have been honest with myself in how much his behaviour has been affecting me. Have gained weight in the last few years as I feel constantly stressed and anxious and I now think it's been down to this relationship. Constantly trying to understand why he's acting like that and feeling like I deserve better but being told otherwise. So I don't think the next parts gonna be easy but honestly it's been mentally draining for so long that it might not be any worse than the past few months!

Best of luck with your next chapter, keep your cards close, he will be a predictable p*k when you tell him you’re leaving. The fact that you’re nervous about this is very telling.
You really deserve someone who loves and cares for you and really wants to spoil you 🍾🥂💐xx

Blackthorne · 13/07/2024 20:50

You poor love. It’s probably just really hitting you now, how much you’ve been through with him and how he’s belittled you and controlled you. It’s normal to have a good cry and quite a few of them I’m sure in the coming days as you get used to finding your feet again and working out what’s next. He sounds like a fun sponge. I can’t imagine someone telling my family I won’t be going on holiday anymore because he’s controlling my every move and I’m not allowed to spend any of my own money anymore.

I wonder if it will be a huge relief and in a few weeks you’ll start to feel so much better to be free of all this.

Wish you all the best tomorrow OP.

Venice241 · 13/07/2024 20:33

Life is so short....YOU are EVERY DAUGHTER for so many posters.

Embrace the love😁.

Mls1984btc · 13/07/2024 20:30

I would let him keep those stuff which have no sentimental value to you - would not like those memory to come with me to the new life.
Please do not stoop to his level and fight over stuff that you can buy again. You have gained a valuable lesson from him. Is time to prioritise your new life and leave those behind.

All the best op. Good luck

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 20:00

It's honestly making me cry having people be so kind to me, saying they are proud etc. I don't know if that sounds pathetic. But anyway I'm just giving myself a pep talk and knowing I can get through this. I can't stress about the smaller stuff and winning, just feel I really need to be out of this shitty situation. Thanks so much for all of the advice, you've probably changed my life 😥

OP posts:
Venice241 · 13/07/2024 19:57

Ah pet....I know your head is melted from us mothering old women😂.

It's just we don't want you pissed with yourself for not getting what you paid for.

Get out safely and come back to us.
We are SO PROUD OF YOU👏👏👏

NotARealWookiie · 13/07/2024 19:54

I’m really impressed by you op

Pipsquiggle · 13/07/2024 19:54

Well done @Rockrose94

Great you are making a plan to leave. Please stick to it.

Re. 'Shared stuff / furniture' nothing has to be decided tomorrow. Definitely take the things that mean something to you when you leave.
At a future time you can say that he gets first choice on furniture so that at least he has the perceived idea that he has control of something that affects you both.
Remember, you are taking control of the biggest decision which is you ending this relationship - everything else is secondary to that.

Stay strong and good luck x

sandyhappypeople · 13/07/2024 19:35

Good luck op, you deserve so much better x

BowlOfNoodles · 13/07/2024 19:35

Fgfgfg · 13/07/2024 19:31

Sometimes it's better just to walk away and feel free of the drama even if it costs you money.

Yes it is I left everything apart from my personal items the awkwardness and potentially things turning volatile just wasn't worth it. I'd actually take the opportunity to remove some stuff the very next time he's out! I was taking bags to my mother's house bit by bit!

Moonpie6 · 13/07/2024 19:34

Good luck!!!! Your new life awaits!

Fgfgfg · 13/07/2024 19:31

Sometimes it's better just to walk away and feel free of the drama even if it costs you money.

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 19:25

PossumintheHouse · 13/07/2024 19:22

So you're ignoring all the advice?

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In terms of the furniture I guess I am. I'm grateful for the advice I just don't feel I have the energy to fight someone so petty in this situation for furniture I don't want which is just my personal feelings and I know I probably "should". I've listened to all the other mountains of advice I've been given in fairness.

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 13/07/2024 19:22

Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 19:14

I think I'll see how it goes with rent and bills discussion if he is trying to extract more from me but just don't really have the energy to bother about that just now you know. Fed up stooping to the same level to be honest!

So you're ignoring all the advice?

BowlOfNoodles · 13/07/2024 19:21

Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 19:14

I think I'll see how it goes with rent and bills discussion if he is trying to extract more from me but just don't really have the energy to bother about that just now you know. Fed up stooping to the same level to be honest!

Sorry for leaving you in the lurch with future rent ( I've taken my name off ) but keep the future as my notice. If you leave on the 28th honestly just contribute your usual months then leave head held high and more than reasonable

Original poster
Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 19:14

I think I'll see how it goes with rent and bills discussion if he is trying to extract more from me but just don't really have the energy to bother about that just now you know. Fed up stooping to the same level to be honest!

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 13/07/2024 17:52

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 13/07/2024 17:25

I'd take it out of principle. Make him open up his wallet to replace his half, the miserly arsehole.

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Agree. Op paid for it, let him she how it feels to be on the other side of the coin.

Billybagpuss · 13/07/2024 17:41

Don’t forget to leave your £2.50 on the table as you leave.

good luck

Venice241 · 13/07/2024 17:35

That's why some counselling will be of huge benefit.
In the interim how about buying some books
"Women who love too much"
"Why does he do that" ...which can be downloaded as a free pdf.

I think you will regret leaving all the furniture.
Take photos of everything and send a WhatsApp out to friends, can anyone take a few bits for you.
You would be surprised how kind people can be when someone they care about is exiting a situation like yours.

Also ....You can always tell him you will be coming back for half the furniture.....no need to remove everything immediately. Tell the Landlord and take a video of the place and the condition of it and the furniture before you leave.

You could be so glad of that furniture in a months time when you are in a better head space.

chocolatemademefat · 13/07/2024 17:34

Please tell me you’re not having sex with this misery.

Emsbutterfly · 13/07/2024 17:30

Omg this sounds awful I would be so turned off him by now and that itemising the shopping list would be the final straw!

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 13/07/2024 17:25

Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 14:08

2 years. We bought all the furniture together but honestly I couldn't care less about taking any of it. I want a clean break and I can't be bothered with the hassle so I'm just taking my own things and a few knick knacks I have bought that I would miss. I know I should fight him for half based on his behaviour but I don't think I have the energy for stuff I don't particularly want

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I'd take it out of principle. Make him open up his wallet to replace his half, the miserly arsehole.

SamW98 · 13/07/2024 16:31

Bishopslaurel · 13/07/2024 11:11

The important aspect to remember is that extremely miserly people are actually proud of their behaviour, and they enjoy being that way, that’s why it’s so difficult to dislodge this behaviour. They feel no shame or remorse and are impervious even to counselling.

My ex told me he had this problem with his ex wife and he went to counselling to “modify” his behaviour. He was still the tightest human being I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. He once gave me 2 grapes as a “snack”, two grapes, nothing else, said he wanted the small punnet to last two weeks. Surely it would be rotten by then? It’s complete insanity.

Imagine spending hundreds on counselling, only to still find it difficult to give more than two grapes.

Run, don’t walk.

And YES, I agree with your idea not to make him self aware, it means future women he meets can also run much earlier, rather than him having a chance to disguise his disgusting behaviour until he’s got his hooks into them.
Great idea to help other women not to waste their time with him.

How long was it before he began to pull these tricks when you first met?

No blame on you, most normal people wouldn’t think to notice this stuff until it got out of hand.

Edited
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Totally agree that very tight people aren’t at all embarrassed they positively brag about their stinginess.

My friends partner is so tight he squeaks and he loves it! He tells everyone about his meanness and laughs about it. He honestly had little pegs that he used to hang up tea bags so he can reuse them. And he refused to live with my friend until her teenage daughter had left home because he refused to contribute to arse the gas and electric she used - he used to say yo people ‘she’s kit kind why should I pay for her to use the hairdryer’ with a huge smirk on his face.

I remember him arguing with a cloakroom attendant because he didn’t want to pay £1 to hang his Ralph Lauren jacket up. And I’ve been out so many times where he’s ’forgotten’ his wallet and told her to buy his drinks and he’ll give money back knowing 💯 he’s got no intentions of ever repaying her.

Everyone we know takes the piss out of his tightness and he cracks up and agrees with them. He has no shame at all about it.

Comedycook · 13/07/2024 16:24

Fathomless · 13/07/2024 16:21

He'll be living in a sad little house with a sofa, fridge and his even sadder £2.50 that you owe him. Pathetic man

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I'd hand over £2.49 then watch his next move....

Fathomless · 13/07/2024 16:21

Rockrose94 · 13/07/2024 14:42

Will come as no surprise that all the cushions and the nicer bedding was purchased by me or moving in gifts from family so they'll be coming with. They weren't essential items obviously 😂meter readings noted definitely and speaking to letting agency Monday morning

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He'll be living in a sad little house with a sofa, fridge and his even sadder £2.50 that you owe him. Pathetic man