Being so tight with money?

Please find the strength to break it off with this man. Lack of generosity about money is lack of generosity of the heart.

It doesn’t get better and eventually it will impact how you see money negatively.

My ex and I met at the start of the pandemic lockdown, which means that I couldn’t tell if he was generous as he couldn’t take me out etc. There were a few red flags, e.g he’d come to my house for the weekend and bring groceries (as requested by me after a period when he didn’t) and then, at the end of the weekend, take home any leftover vegetables that hadn’t been used in the cooking. Fast forward 2 years - we lived together. He was in charge of the food shopping (using money from both of us) and would only buy cheap, basic food or discounted food that I wasn’t actually keen on. We’d go for walks and I would want to stop in a pub for a sunset drink but he’d say that he didn’t want a drink. Many times I would buy us both drinks because it’s nicer to enjoy a drink with someone than watch him watching me drink my own. We didn’t eat out. I ended up feeling ‘poor’. I’d go to friend’s houses and be jealous of what they had in the fridge. We ended up living a very frugal existence which lacked fun.

My current bf is very generous. We go for meals together, we book activities and weekends away. There is no 50/50 split). We take turns paying, for e.g one would pay for dinner, the other would pay for post-dinner drinks and a taxi home. I don’t know which of us has spent more money so far but I don’t care. And nor does he. Even though I am a bit worried about how much I’m spending on going out as I don’t earn that much, it’s so nice to be relaxed about money and to do fun things.
The fact that he is generous makes me want to be more generous with him. The more he gives, the more I want to give. With my ex I had gotten to the point where I was resentful over little things not costing very much. I am normally considered generous and I hated that I had become so ‘tight’. Being with him changed my perception of money. I really hope you can break away

Get rid. It'll never get better.

I once overheard a man calling his gf/partner/wife in a bakery - "babe, they've run out of the bread we always get. There's a nicer loaf but it's £1.40... I'll get that if you pay me 20p more for your share yeah?"

I had to try so hard not to turn around and stare at him.

I had a friend like this.

She was with a man for 10 years that did this and as she was a teenager at the time they got together she was tight with money at that time.

A few years ago, we shared a bottle as she requested my company and offered and she said to me "we've drunk half between us, so split that a fiver each?"

I lost it with her, as I'm a generous friend and said, absolutely not, I have treated her to many drinks over the years and am horrified she would dare even ask when she offered me and my past generosity.

We ended up having a drunken heart to heart about it and explained it wasn't about the money, it was the coldness of treating me that way when I treated her often. She said, it was just the way she had lived for a long time and she genuinely didn't realise how abnormal it was because no one called her on it.

She asked me how would she know if people were ripping her off, I said in my head I look at it as like a "rolling" £20 say, where I spend £20 on a friend and if they spend similar back then it's my turn again and so on.

I would potentially explain it like that to your partner and if he is unwilling to work on it then he simply doesn't want to.

100% true!

He knows he's onto a good thing with you. Whatever you do do not have children with him.

I remember once dating someone who lived in another city, first time I came to visit him and we went to the shop I wanted milk and cereal so I can have it for breakfast, he literally separated the milk and cereal from the stuff he bought so he wouldn't god forbid have to pay for it.

I ended it after that visit.

I don’t think iv ever seen a mumsnet thread where the AIBU was unanimously 100% so I think that’s your answer! Girl, run.

My god it's so weird reading this thread!! It sounds almost exactly like my friend who left her relationship 3 years ago after years of stingy behaviour, lack of respect and being treated like a skivvy.

I am feeling turned off on your behalf, I have no idea how you have any affection for this man.

Another one saying, run for the hills and don’t look back. If he’s like this now, imagine how he’ll be when you have DC and is insisting you pay exactly half for nappies if you’re on reduced rate maternity pay or have to take an extended career break for whatever reason (multiples/medical conditions)?

He’d be the type to try to get out paying child maintenance as he’ll accuse you of spending on yourself if you split up!

You deserve a man who reciprocates generosity in all areas, and I’m sorry but I couldn’t get to orgasm with a man who just insisted I pay £2.50 for a dinner he’d cooked in our home or hid the butter to stop me using it, no matter how generous he was in that particular area.

4 years in what sounds like a pretty joyless relationship is long enough. Don’t get shackled to this man. Find someone who enjoys making you feel special, not like a money grabber.

4 years wasted of a precious life spent with such an absolute horror.
So sad.

I wouldn't even tell him I was leaving, I'd pack & go while he was at work & leave him to pay the bloody rent on his own! I might even cut everything jointly owned in half first just for the hell of it 😄
OMG OP PLEEEASE GET OUT NOW! When he says "I love you" he may be looking at you but its his bank balance that's going through his mind! This man does not deserve you, you sound like such a lovely person, my heart bleeds for you 😢
Once you leave you will feel liberated I promise you, be brave & take your life back xx

OMG! How do people like you put up with this OP? I really cannot understand it, and certainly wouldn't tolerate it. He's an arsehole of the worst kind. Get rid of him and find someone who REALLY wants to share their life and their money with you, anything else is just a waste of your life.

It sounds like you have spent thousands on your BF and your BF has saved thousands and spent next to nothing on you. He is cheap, selfish, greedy and self-centered. What does he DO to show you he loves you and cherishes you?

If, when you have separate finances, you don't share in costs for holidays, treats, meals out, etc., it becomes "joint" on one side and separate on the other. Like you and your BF. You deserve so, so much better!

Until you can either get him out or you decide to leave, I would change a bit, even if it might make you feel bad. When you split the cost of a dinner one of you makes, divide it exactly in half. Tell your NVDP, "I paid for half, so half I get. I will keep what I don't eat for my meal tomorrow." If half isn't enough for you to eat, feel free to go out and get yourself something. One day, when he makes the meal and wants half of the money, look at it and say, "No thanks. I'll go get takeout instead." Yes, it is petty. Perhaps, though probably not, he will get a clue how it feels and it will open up a frank discussion.

Best thing to do though, stop treating him at all and get your ducks in a row and toss him aside for a chance at real love, friendship, sharing and commitment.

He treats you like an acquaintance, not even a friend. He definitely loves his money more than he does you and is not a safe place for you to fall when shit hits the fan. And eventually it will with kids, illness, age...just life! You can't live the rest of your life like this, how depressing.
And he seems happy for you to treat him but never treats you, eww yuck.

This.

Mean with money, mean with everything else

Honestly, it's beyond me how you could ever bring yourself to have sex with him any more. This kind of nit-picking miserliness is one of the biggest turn-offs I can imagine.

I’m flabbergasted at this. If I nipped to the shop and bought a bottle of coke, a Mars bar and a tube of Pringles for a fucking stranger I don’t think I’d take the money off them, let alone the person I love.

My DH can sometimes be a bit tight, but with me and our children he’s generous. Sometimes he doesn’t get it and I have to say things like ‘you get the first round’ ‘spend 30 quid on flowers for your Auntie’ ‘Don’t ask for the money back from that young lad in the office’ and he always listens.

Bit what you’ve described is odd, it’s such a turn-off. If a partner of 4 years asked me to repay him £2.50 i would tell him to go and fuck himself.

Get out now.

He is financially abusing you.

This happened to my sister. She moved in with him and became depressed. He ended up buyin only yellow label sticker food and asking my sister for the 87p she owed him and that was the last nail in the coffin!
So please rethink your life and future he sounds pathetic and immature over 2.50!

U are still young and can meet
Someone else u need to run. This isn't love sorry @Rockrose94

Omg! Start running !!!!

I understand not wanting to be ripped off by girlfriends but you have been together 4 years live together are partners and you are paying your share of the bills plus paying if you want to do anything like go out for meals days out he doesn’t split that 50 / 50 so you are being ripped off

the money he’s saving he isn’t classing as joint savings for you to buy a property together or to cover maternity leave if you have a child together it’s his savings.

Hopefully our collective responses will urge her to action as any future with him will be so miserable. Lord knows how this has stretched to 4 years without OP despising him.

Miserliness.

The ultimate ugly.

What have I just read? £2.50? I would literally laugh in the face of a man who tried to get me to pay him £2.50 as my share of anything! How can he look himself in the mirror and not be thoroughly ashamed of himself? What a shocking attitude, so mean. Extremely unattractive trait.
And you're in a serious relationship with him and his bad thoughts of you being on the take? Sounds like you're had enough. He absolutely can't be worth it.