Being so tight with money?

'Because we aren't working as a team' (sounds like it's true, he doesn't want to do his share) doesn't seem to be compatible with 'he can change'. Which is it, you as a couple or him?

He needs a better argument than that.

So whilst you were packing he was following your around, dragging out the whole proceedure with comments like

• he's only like that because we aren't working as a team (your fault)
• it's a result of x y z things that have happened between us, (probably your fault)
• that he can change, (unlikely)
• loves me
• and wants to get married

So he started with blaming you for everything, and then when he saw that wasn't working changed tack and started love bombing. Now wants to get married, but it took you packing to leave to get him to make that offer. He's a real romantic.

Gaslighting 101 as pp said earlier. It shows how right you were not to instigate a big conversation with him about why. You'd still be there listening to more of this stuff.

I hope you and your friend have a really nice bottle of wine this evening and you have some peace and space to sort out what you want from your life.

Well done - stay firm! He will come out with all sorts of BS now... make a bingo card so that you don't wobble!

'I can change'...

'It's not my fault I am like this'

'I am only like this because you are like whatever'

'You're bad with money, I am just trying to take care of us...'

Enjoy as much wine, cake, etc as you like with no one monitoring it or hoovering up half your plate!!

Honey, he has a savings because are paying for all the fun times in his life and subsidising his lifestyle.

Why are you still with this joy sucking leech ?

Jeez. The "I want to marry you" is his ace card that he thinks will solve everything and keep you in the cage he created.

He's panicking because his Golden Goose is leaving.

Well done Op. Glad you have moved out from his controlling behaviour.

Take time before you do anything.

Well done OP. I agree with the others. Stand firm. He won't change and some of what he's done is so bloody unforgivable I don't think it would matter even if he could change to be honest.

He's showing his true colours by STILL blaming you. Gaslighting 101.

He's desperate so he's throwing everything at this to change your mind. He says he wants to marry you like it's some kind of "prize". It really isn't! He had long enough to change and just coming up with excuses why he didn't doesn't cut it. He's basically still trying to make it your "fault".

You've done the hardest part. Hold onto that. Once you're away from him you can see things more clearly. Don't let him badger you.

I'm glad you're meeting with your friend tonight. You have a lot of support here as you can see but RL support is so important.

Well done OP. Stay strong ... he won't change because this is how he is. If he'd wanted to change he'd have done so ages ago

Yep it's still all your fault!!

He's happy for you to spend your money subbing him (meals out, weekly shop) and then it be your fault that you have less in savings than him.

Well done OP!!

He’s still blaming you, OP- stand firm!

Thinking of you OP. Hoping it went well today x

Well actually that’s what marriage means legally. As a married couple you are a joint enterprise and both own half of all shared income and assets.

As @FrizzledFrazzle said "Same with the furniture - yes, it sucks to have bought some stuff and left it with him, but do you really need the hassle of moving and storing it while you find somewhere else to live?"

I also thought it might be nice when you are in your new place to have chairs he's never sat on etc and things that are exactly the way you want them, instead of taking things that might be a visible reminder and then you are really shaking the sand from your sandals.

Good luck for today! 🩵

Good luck today hope it goes well

@Rockrose94 I agree with other posters not to get into the details about why you are breaking up. You are not happy and don't want to be with him any more is enough. You don't want to get stuck in an argument where he (simultaneously ) calls you a manipulative gold digger and promises that he will change his ways if you give him another chance.

Same with the furniture - yes, it sucks to have bought some stuff and left it with him, but do you really need the hassle of moving and storing it while you find somewhere else to live?

I predict that it will be a really uncomfortable conversation when you end it. Various lines that my crappy ex used in trying to get me to stay were:

• I love you more than anything
• everyone says we are a good couple
• I don't know how to live without you
• you will never find anyone else who loves you like I do
• you're throwing away the best thing in your life
• you're childish
• you were only with me for the lifestyle/money
• I can find a better girlfriend any time I like
• I can't believe you would treat me like this
• why are you suddenly so cold?
• I'll do whatever you want to show you how much I love you

You said, the relationship has been affecting your mental health, because you've been wondering why he treats you the way he does / what you're doing wrong to upset him. So if he starts with any of these lines, your impulse might be to show him that it's not true (it's not because he's tight, you weren't only with him for his money, you don't want to throw him away like that ...) and the cruel things he says will really hurt - because he's been conditioning you to want to be in his favour.

Don't engage in any of it. He can say what he likes, you are still done. Get the conversation over and that's it. Done.

(You might want to block him afterwards if he's getting in your head. On the other hand, seeing the flip flopping between "I love you so much I'll do anything" and "I can find someone better any time" at increasingly short intervals is pretty effective at exposing it as manipulation.)

Thinking of you today @Rockrose94

Im so glad you are making plans to leave and hope it goes well. Its always hard to do but I suspect you will feel a lot better, very quickly. Way too many of us on this thread have been there and feel a real kinship to your situation and perhaps giving the advice as if to a younger self, sister/daughter or loved one we know in a similar dynamic.

Im another one who has lived it- where an ex leeched off my resources/generosity while demanding forensic sharing of money if he ever put his hand in his pocket for anything eg he would stay weeks at a time in the flat I owned, wash his clothes there etc and pay nothing, but if he ever (rarely) made a meal or bought food it was itemised and halved. My lovely flatmate pointed this out but I was young, stupid ' in lurve' with my first BF and it took moving him in, and a build up of the rest of the emotional abuse (undermining, gaslighting, control, picking away at my confidence) before the scales fell from my eyes and I split up with him. Of course by this time we were living together so we stayed as flatmates for 6 months until he moved out to be with a new girlfriend/mug.

I felt 10 times better about a week after breaking off the relationship even though I was still in daily contact, realized I didn't actually miss him or the dynamics but was so screwed around by his behavior and my acceptance of it that it took me about 2 years to process it and acknowledge how abusive and manipulative he really was.

When he finally moved out of my flat he asked for all the rent he had paid me to be given back (as he had moved in as my BF I had charged him half the costs of running the flat as a partner would, well below market rate for a room rental at the time, and I hadn't changed that arrangement when we split up).
He just didn't get it when I pointed out it was like any other rent arrangement with any other landlord- he had rented accommodation and the money was payment for that service, and was therefore mine as the provider of that service. Apparently me using the rent money to pay the mortgage meant I was effectively keeping 'his' money in a high interest account and when he left he was still muttering about how I had cheated him and was enriching myself off of him.

OP don’t look back. Life is too short. I split with a tightwad arse after 4 years and have not cried, not missed him one single day.

I don't think OP should give a shit if he calls her a gold digger. She's leaving, who cares?

Good luck today xx

I’m actually excited for you to have your freedom from this joke of a man @Rockrose94. He’s indoctrinated you and I’m glad you’re seeing the light.