Being so tight with money?

I have a weird thing - I love watching the "Peaceful Solitary Living" vlogs on youtube. Women and men in their own quiet, calm spaces, peacefully getting up, making whatever breakfasts they want, going out and buying whatever groceries they want, living their lives at a content, peaceful pace that is to their OWN pace, no one telling them what to do, no one demanding £2.50 back because they're tight misers.

Imagine that kind of life, you know - doing what you want? Spending money how you want? You might be "alone", but don't you love the way that YOU do things, for yourself? You don't NEED him. He's a tight miser who is making you tired.

But he will make sure I don't drink any extra wine for example.

Huh? How does he even do this?

I mean, words just fail me at this point..... you are worth so much more. Leave him and look forward to a bright future free from his penny pinching and controlling ways.

That would give me the ick.

Lack of generosity is a right turn off; it’s one of DHs most attractive traits. I could not live like that. I’d leave and tell him why. It’s not normal behaviour once you’re 4 years in and living together to be splitting bills, making sure you have an exact share of wine and hiding butter…hiding butter? Fuck sake. That’s not just being tight or miserly. That’s pathological.

Jesus christ. This is beyond joyless.

Presumably you've concluded you have to leave him?

Oh interesting. Mine grew up poor and has done very, very well but is constantly comparing our projected net worth (‘you will inherit a house’). But right now I’m a single parent on UC and we go everywhere in my car because he doesn’t want to buy one. My DP is also very generous in bed but there’s more to life than sex and I can’t share mine with someone so harsh in other respects!

Christ. Leave. If you have kids he will penalise you for not contributing during maternity leave or if you have to reduce your hours

4 years? Enough. Time to dump, he’ll never improve.
The £2.50 issue sounds like resents you somehow.

Ew. And what does he say to justify going halves when he eats more than you?

Oh OP. I’m glad you’re on here and getting the right advice and support! I’m trying to get my head round something similar (though not as pronounced). May I ask if you’re from different backgrounds economically? We are and it’s being used to try to shut me up. The only way I can demonstrate I’m not trying to steal from DP is just to leave him, at this point.

It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

No.

OP, he is a selfish miser who is quite happy to be protective of "his" money while you spend yours on him. It is a very unattractive trait and unlikely to improve. Do you want to spend the next 40 years like this?

If you aren't ready to leave yet, as a bare minimum I would now treat shopping like a very defined house share where you buy your own and there is no sharing at all. It might make him think but I doubt it and really, you should move on from Ebenezer.

Or let him read the thread to drive it home.

Would laying your cards on the table be worth it? Would he take notice when you say you are on the point of leaving him because of it? And that x,y and z must happen if he wants to keep you?

Only if he has other redeeming qualities of course!

Although we’ve always just shared our money, very long term married, with lots of financial ups and downs, I understand why younger couples have different financial arrangements. I know my adult DC and their partners do, but not to the point of quibbling about a few ££!

The point of a living together, loving relationship is to look after one another if and when necessary, isn’t it? Your situation makes me feel quite sad OP.

You pay for the car? Does he benefit from that by driving it or having lifts. If so tell him you’ll take £2.50 off the petrol he used.

You sound lovely OP and you can do so much better.

The biggest thing a partner should bring to our lives is joy. Otherwise, what's the point? He sucks the joy from your life. So any "good" points he has are irrelevant. As, I think you are starting to realise.

I hope you do leave him and find joy in your life again. You deserve it.

as he has had me convinced that I've been the tight one or reckless with money

This doesn't happen immediately as it's a slow process - boiled frog analogy. Don't beat yourself up..my theory is that some people are just more trusting/less cynical/open hearted and assume everyone has similar values.

Ditch him. Tight wads don't change. It must be fairly miserable now and will only get worse.

I'm amazed you can find him attractive. A man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Jesus Christ my vagina would be as dry as the Sahara for this guy. Just exactly what is it about him that’s kept you attracted to him for 4 years. I suspect you’ve rather stuck around out of convenience. If that is the case get out now before you’re any further entangled in his misery.

I had an ex like this. We went on holiday once, he started a spreadsheet and logged every expense. He then worked out that I had spent £6 more on the holiday than he had and solemnly handed me three pound coins. I just looked at them in my hand and thought, why the fuck do I want reimbursing three quid when we're supposed to be together for life?

On the downside - and why I am very much on Team Run For The Hills - is that when I had a run of bad luck and ended up having to do a min wage job to tide me over, while he got a promotion and earned four times what I did, he still expected everything to be split 50/50, even though this left me with no money three weeks into the month. When I begged him to let me off my share of the utility bills for three months, he said "I don't work as hard as I do to subsidise you". And that's the mindset. For the love of God, throw this one back.

He’s not “the one”.
Can you see yourself married to him? Buying a home together? Having children together? All of that requires huge JOINT financial decisions.
He sounds like a nightmare.