Being so tight with money?

""He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal.""

wow! No that is not normal at all. I am married/ children etc now so very much so shared. But I had a long term bf in my early 20s. We used to just 'roughly' split house hold expenses e.g I'd do the food shop he'd buy dinner + night out. Also he was unemployed for a month at one point so I paid food shopping, he then did the following month.

You are in your 30s are children on the cards anytime soon? How does he see maternity leave working financially if you take time out? Does he think the hit on wages will be yours to bear or will he recognise that by being on mat leave ye don't need to pay for childcare

Same here.

My DP is the most generous person I know and it's one of the things I love most about him. We're not wealthy at all so I'm not talking about splashing his cash or buying extravagant items. But he'll always pick the tab up in a bar / restaurant if we go out with friends or family (he will never accept money from them and just always says "you can sort it next time" which rarely happens😂) and he'll buy thoughtful little gifts for people randomly that he thinks they will like (he bought my old next door neighbour a new bird feeder when he saw that the previous one had been damaged in a storm 😭)

For all his sins, my ex was the same too. I just couldn't be attracted to someone tight.

And I don't believe in "men should pay for everything" at all (me and DP split everything 50/50). But anyone (male or female) who is itemising receipts, charging for petrol usage and monitoring how much wine you're drinking is going to live an extremely lonely and miserable life and deserves to be on their own.

Do both. What a mean-spirited miser.

I can think of few things more dreary and depressing than being with someone tight. No spontaneous gifts/flowers/weekends away/‘just because’ gifts? Miserable.

Added to that the miserly penny pinching over every bit of spending. I would have lasted 5 minutes.

That's controlling, OP

You may wish to look on women's aid website, especially at financial abuse

It's good you can leave your tenancy and pay fir your own accommodation. This gives you more options than many

A word of warning, and I don't wish to alarm you, but you should be aware of this - the two most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship are when she leaves and when she's pregnant

So, if you decide to leave, just do it quietly and quickly

And, don't get drawn in by temporary improvements, he suddenly takes you out / on holiday. This woukd be manipulative, designed to suck you back in

OP you are being crushed - CRUSHED! That is all I can say after reading all your posts!

It was probably OPs boyfriend!

I would leave him @Rockrose94 and tell him why.
That you can’t trust him to cherish not only yourself but future dc.
That he knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
And give him one last gift, a copy of A Christmas Carol with Scrooge’s name crossed out and his written above.

Completely agree.

My partner's dad did this once at dinner. The server started pouring wine (which I was looking forward to drinking) but he covered his glass and said "I'll pour it, thanks".

Then he just left the on the table for ages until the food came (we were just sat there looking at it), and then meticulously poured everyone the exact same amount of wine.

He kept an eye on everyone's glasses and you could tell he was being really pedantic about making sure everyone had the same.

It was incredibly unpleasant and off putting.

I just can't stand mean-spirited people. If you need more wine then you just order more wine ffs.

I bet it always works in his favour. He's always the one who ends up with the better end of the deal.

What's he like with utilities? Are you allowed to bath /shower when you want or put the heating on?

I knew someone who drew lines on the milk bottle with the daily allowed usage.

I couldn't live with someone who spent time going through the food shop for the sake of £2.50.

He's the type of prick that would think you should still pay 50/50 while you're on maternity leave. He'll think you should pay out of your savings because he isn't keeping you. But when you go back to work will refuse to pay 50% because why should he pay do you can work.

Fuck that.

Fucking hell that’s an absolute deal breaker - that’s not even about being tight, that’s controlling behaviour.

Honestly OP this is so far removed from normal. Please read your own posts and walk away from this idiot

Bloody hell, OP. That's horrendous and extremely unusual behaviour towards a partner who you love and share a home with.

I could not be with someone like this.

Generosity is an important trait to me in a partner, both in terms of material things and generosity of spirit.

It is important (to me) that people extend themselves outwards, offering time, attention and yes material things to others. It's a sign of love and empathy.

It sounds like you are a person who does this (e.g. taking him on holiday etc) and you will never be happy with someone who doesn't reciprocate, because you won't understand the lack of empathy.

@Rockrose94

In my house, if we go out for a birthday meal, the joint account pays for it. And we don't make a big deal of our wedding anniversary. So, I don't think these are big deals

To be compatible financially, people need to be on the same page. It's about attitudes to money, rather than how much you earn / have eg on holiday, we walk everywhere and self cater. I have friends on lower salaries who would choose to take taxis and go out for dinner. That's fine, each to their own

But, demanding £2.50 from the weekly shop? I wonder what the reasoning is. I wonder if he has historic poverty in his family. On one side of our family, they had to seriously tighten their belts in the 1930s and I think it has shaped family attitudes to spending ever since eg grandparents raised in relative poverty, which influenced their parenting decisions to their younger family members etc. We are aware of this and occasionally remind each other that yes we can actually treat ourselves, although our first instinct is quite frugal and we're comfortable with that

As students, I recall bill splitting in a way that seems parsimonious now, but was fair and sensible at that time

So, it might be worth exploring if poverty is a factor, as you might be able to work with that.
Or, perhaps your BF is just mean spirited? A big clue is whether he spends lots of money on his own interests, clothes etc. If so, throw him back into the sea

I think when you leave him, you should add up all the extra you've spent on trips away, and nights out, and present him with the bill. It would be no more ridiculous than quibbling over £2.50

OP, I think all of the responses have made you realise that his behaviour is not normal and is extremely tight.

As PP have said, what on earth will happen if you have DC and aren't working? This is the type of man who will still expect you to pay 50/50 for everything. He will have money to spare and you will have none. There are enough threads on MN about women in those situations to read how it ends up for them.

It is time to end this, and don't listen to any of his crap, because financially and emotionally, you just aren't compatible.

Thank goodness you posted. This is mumsnet at its very best. Find a flat, secure the rental and organise removals before you even tell him and then move out. When you are in your new place me and all the other amazing mumsnetters on this thread will bring bucket loads of rose that we will drink really quickly (or slowly, but it will be our choice?) and toast to the amazing fact that you did not marry or have a child with this man. You’ve got this OP!

Aw love the fact your buying wine he doesn't like so you can have abit of control over it suggests this is running a tad deeper than money... he's a manipulating control freak who thinks you are after he's money and that he's above you because of he's background when you leave he's going to think you've left because he didn't let you in on the family dosh. He's absolutely vile by the sounds of it please leave

@Rockrose94 Fuck me, I feel stressed just reading this. Get out of this shitty relationship. I cannot believe that he actually made sure the waiter gave him more wine so that he got his perceived fair share. Absolutely and shamefully embarrassing. You are worth so very much more.

Mine used to say " he's so tight, he squeaks when he walks!"

even though he will cook a nice dinner he would then ask for half the money

You. Are. Kidding. Me.

I'm assuming you have a sexless relationship because there is no way on this planet that any woman would get turned on by this awful creature.

Anyway, as every single other poster has said, get rid. Do not waste another second of your life on this miserable fun sponge.

Or, if you don't want to do that, I would not spend a single penny of my money on him. Go for meals / to the theatre / for weekends away with your friends or family. Get your own car (or use public transport and don't ask him for lifts). Tell him you're both going to do your own food shopping now as it's depressing you having to itemise every single receipt. Although it'll be an utterly miserable way to live with a partner, at least you're not feeling guilty about spending an extra £1.50 at Tesco or working out half the petrol cost for him to drop you off at work 🙄

My brother's partner was like this. They once came round for Sunday dinner, and while we were eating she reminded him that he owed her £1.23 from the food shopping they'd done the previous day.....was a bit awkward....
It's not an attractive trait....

That is just....pure grim. What a miserable fucker. Oh op - life is so much better than this. You've wasted four whole years of your life on this guy.

Go live peacefully on your own. Drink as much sodding wine as you want! Imagine that! Spend your own money on what YOU want! With no one dragging you down into the souless grey depths of misery.

Please don't spend your life with this man, this is not a loving way to treat your partner, it just isn't. Every post just makes it worse. I don't know how you can look at him let alone live with him and sleep with him. There are no excuses whatsoever for this level of meanness. You will grow to despise him in time so why not get out before that happens.