Being so tight with money?

You mentioned in your OP that he has said he does not want to share finances AT ALL as he has more savings. I don't really know how you'll get around that. You can't really be a proper partnership if he never wants to share. I'm glad you're seeing the light now. Good luck with it all. He doesn't deserve you.

Now that you've seen who he is you can't unsee it.

You've got the ick...

As you should!

Only you can make that decision but you do what's best for you

OP I suggest you use that last line to dump him. It's perfect.

you won’t change him at best you’ll get some initial improvements before he backslides again.

then you are into argue and the dreaded “nag territory” 😵‍💫

breaking up is the only option

There are some problems that can't be worked through I'm afraid Op because the cause of them is too deeply entrenched. His DM has instilled the idea that money is everything and other people only want him for his money, it's made him distrustful so he's always on guard, always waiting for you to take advantage of him. There's no way to be happy without trust I'm afraid

how have you tolerated this for 4 years. Please do not buy a property together or have kids. I'd be running a mile unless he's genuinely willing to make changes and have a sensible and fair way to organise finances.

You weren't defensive. you were perfectly justified.

I will say that I don't see how this will change because you have already tried to talk to him about it if I'm understanding correctrly. I mean, maybe not in a proper sit down way but you've expressed that you think this is ridiculous a few times and he has not responded well on any of those occassions so I am not optimistic.

Of course, to just walk out the door is not practical or easy so I totally get why you want to talk to him. I'd just caution you not to expect miracles and, if he does promise things, make sure you're very clear on what you expect and be prepared to jump on any deviation whatsoever.

He won’t change. He’s too entrenched in his meanness now.

DH and I have always had a joint bank account (married 28 years) and it’s worked out well for us. He has always earned more than me but all money was ours. I don’t understand married couples splitting the bill for a meal, or I’ll buy this one you buy the next.

Please don't think someone so ugly and abusive can change.
That is just you wasting more time.
This isn't fixable.
He may well say he will adjust a bit to suck you back in, that's what abusive men do.

Can you try an see how controlling he is?
EVERYTHING is about money and screwing you....even how much you eat and drink?

How fxxked up is that.
Eats your food, insists you pay half.
Controls how much alcohol you drink?

How can you not see how absolutely wrong that is.

Look up the "boiled frog analogy"....it will explain how this has crept up upon you.

He is not going to want to let you go.
He has invested so much time and energy in ripping you off and training you to accept SO little, that he is not going to want to start again.

This IS 100% who he is.
He will NEVER change.

This!

I dated a man like this for 3 years - it was absolutely joyless and soul destroying. I actually did a calculation for the percentage we should each pay based on our income - it was 60/40 (the lesser my share) he still said it wasn’t fair as ‘he worked harder than me’ . The final straw was shopping for basics after I’d had an operation and he was staying with me - he wanted to separate my (low cost) eggs and bread etc from his fancy lager. He wouldn’t even pay for my cheap basics and I was paying for all the food for his stay, the food he ate waiting for me at hospital and the hospital parking.

He begrudgingly took me away for a night to a hotel once but then said he wasn’t hungry enough to go out for dinner & went out for a kebab while I had a packet of crisps. Utterly grim.

He’d gaslit me so much about ‘modern dating’ that I thought this was all normal.

You will meet someone who adores you and treats you well and you’ll want to do the same back. I’m generous like you and hated feeling I had to match his tightness. It’s an awful way to live.

I’m with a lovely guy now who I can treat well & he does the same for me. You can do it too OP, leave him to his butter & £2.50 and his joyless existence.

He won't change, I promise you this now. If you try to make it work (even if he agrees to change, which, actually, I can't see happening), you'll just be prolonging your misery.

My ex used to make us put our wine glasses next to each other when pouring so he could make sure we were getting exactly the same.

Genuinely, why are you with this man? He'll just fill your life with more and more misery, drop by drop.

Wow, to the not being able to drink a glass of wine until he's finished his. I mean, that is seriously unhinged from him.

I'm glad you're able to see how messed up this is now, as with any unfair/abusive relationship, it does evolve over time - he wouldn't have started out so shitty, because you'd never have accepted it at the start. And then it's the drip, drip, drip away at your boundaries, the shopping, the petrol, the wine, the trips, the presents for your family and suddenly you're in a unequal relationship, all the while he's making out that you're the one who's benefiting.

It's the "foot in the door" technique (there's a well-known study that was done on this interesting bit of psychology by Freedman and Fraser, if anyone is interested), which introduces small concessions and gradually ups them. It works on a majority of people (three quarters in that study, for example, and I'm sure I'd have been among them), so don't beat yourself up. Most of us go into a relationship with trust and an expectation that the person opposite will treat us in the same way that we will treat them. It sad when others take advantage, but that says a lot about them!

Thank god🙏.
Do it.

We are here for you every step of the way.

You sound really sensible OP. It takes a while for one tiny minor thing to make you question everything and then you go back and see everything in a new light. I think you’re doing great and of course you need to make plans and take your time. I think you’re speeding along personally.

Enjoy your new fojnd freedom. When you leave you’ll see other areas of control where he wore you down.

Truly mean people won't share but are happy to take, take, take, he was happy with his free holiday but doesn't even buy you dinner on your birthday. He'll never change Op, he won't suddenly wake up and see you're not trying to cheat him and be a better man, he's already trying to dictate what you spend your own money on and that will just get worse.
Go and enjoy your life Op, don't let him make you like him

This is NOT normal. AT ALL!!! I paid for everything when i met hubby and now we just spend whatever. We don't track it. We both take £300 each for personal spending. EVERYTHING comes out of joint including a lot of personal stuff too.

OK, bit unfair. I didn't mean it like that and apologies if it came across like that but I just meant what are your plans going forward? You're obviously very unhappy with the situation, rightly so, but I haven't read anything that says what you are going to do i.e. leave? Talk to him again? Give him an ultimatum maybe?

Either way, I'm sure you'll make the right decision

I am so glad the penny has dropped.

Make sure you take away every single thing you've paid for

It's great that you're realising this now, before you're too engangled with him. I appreciate it's hard. And ignore posters who seem to think you should have had it out with him already and moved out!

People who are tight but happy to let others pay are the worse. I lived with a flatmate in my 20s who was always broke. I felt bad for her so I used to pay for lots of things - a bottle of wine, a take out etc. I didn't have a lot of money, but I figured I obviously had more than her.

As it turned out, she was broke only because she was massively saving. She bought a flat about a year after we moved out. I was so angry. Not that she'd been saving - totally fine - but that she'd been so dishonest with me about it and allowed me to pay for her. If she'd said, "I'm saving really hard os I can't pay for that takeaway" I probably would have paid anyway, but the dishonesty annoyed me.

Of course, this is also the woman who had an absolute EPIC meltdown when we were moving out because I'd been going through the food cupboards and had separated the herbs and spices out for each of us. There was more on one side of the split. She assumed I was keeping that pile and had a complete meltdown about me stealing from her and taking everything. Then didn't even apologise when I pointed out that the "small" pile was all the herbs and spices she doesn't use which I was taking and I'd left the rest (the bigger one) for her.

Why on earth are you with this skinflint?

What is enjoyable about life with him?