Being so tight with money?

Perfect leaving present for Ebenezer Scrooge, @Rockrose94 :

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/304661.The_Complete_Tightwad_Gazette

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 can we be friends

Do you love him? Is he your friend? If neither, please leave. If you do believe you love him then you need to think very hard because he is not going to change - better to cut losses, really.

I voted YABU because I think you're mad to be putting up with this for 4 years if you're not happy with it.

Just jumping onto the thread to wish you all the best for your next move, and for the future, OP. There are lots of great blokes out there for you. Ones who don't measure wine!

Yes, why does he reserve the most miserly behaviour for you?

Because he is choosing to behave this way with you.

He doesn't NEED to act like this with money, as he isn't quite so tight with his friend. It's only you.

IN other words, he trusts his friends but he doesn't trust you.

Fuck, and I mean this, that.

There’s definitely some misogyny going on here then - I’d have dumped him for the comment about worrying about women taking his money. What a prize clown.

He only subjects you to his miserable, miserly tendencies? Please get away from him and enjoy yourself!!

This will never change, he thinks every girlfriend or partner is out to steal his money which isn’t healthy. He’ll never change.

OP, the fact that he doesn't do the extreme penny-pinching in a group setting is an even bigger slap in the face rather than a mitigation in his favour. It shows that he can indeed not focus so vehemently on the funds and paying precisely what he sees as his fair share. Why reserve the stingiest behaviour for the person he's meant to love?

Jesus, no wonder he has savings. I’m with the Paris poster! Go and have some non penny pinching fun. 😊

He sounds tight OP.

he’ll be just the same with kids. It’ll be even worse. Money slips through your fingers so fast.

and tensions run so high about what you need vs don’t need.

and he doesn’t want to go out for dinner at all? Because he doesn’t want to pay but happy to go out when you’re paying.

he sounds odd, very very odd. I could not stay long term.

I’d just say something the next time he asks for money and say I’m fed up with the penny pinching. I know we’ve done it for years but actually it’s affecting me quite badly and I want it to stop.

It’s making me see you in a negative light. Counting out pennies isn’t what I’m here for. I’m not here to take advantage of you but that’s what you make me feel like. Like I’m going to take you for a ride because one month you paid for one extra bottle of water for me.

Its not about the money, it’s about what it means beyond that.

Another thing my right ex did. On one of my turns to pay for dinner date out, one main meal was bad & the manager said he’d take it off the bill - tightwad partner piped up ‘you don’t have to do that’ - I said ‘as I’m paying for this it’s not your call’ - he actually couldn’t stand it that it was my turn to pay and I was getting a discount. Had it been his turn to pay he’d have bitten his hand off.

He was a nasty cheap twunt, he really was.

Do you remember that thread where a fantastic woman put a big office eater on the spot and made him pay his way?

It was an office dinner and he’d ordered 2 pints of beer, a bottle of wine, all three courses and then expected to everyone who’d only had a main course and no drink to pay some of his share. “Let’s split the bill evenly”.

When he found out he’d have to pay for all his own grub he was mightily pissed off and even said he’ never have orderded all that.

He openly admitted to free loading, the chump.

OP is there a bit of your boyfriend in this man? Happy to eat when others are paying.

it would give me the ick

Christ, he is a premium arsehole. So you're the naughty one taking of advantage of him, but his friends!? Never!
This is a form of control and a shitty way for him to squirrel away money so he can have fun with his friends while pretending not to be a miserly git. You don't deserve any of his generosity, though.

so you go out for dinner, with or without friends, and he will suggest just splitting the bill.... even though he's eaten more? He absolutely IS that guy. The one everyone else hates.

And when he's out with just you, he ensures that he has at least half of everything. What would happen if you ordered a steak? Would he want you to pay more?

he doesn't even like me being generous

This would be a deal-breaker for me alone, even without all his other insane penny-pinching fuckery.

Generosity is a big thing in my family. My dad, in particular, has always put a lot of importance on being first to buy a round, treating people if you can, always having loads of food and drink to offer people etc, and my mum is one of those people like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted who would practically fight you rather than let you pay for a cuppa and a bun in a cafe. Basically, it's always been impressed upon me that you should be as generous as you can afford to be. I could not, in a million years, be happy with someone who saw that as a negative trait.

He's miserly. Time to move on.

Except remember: I tried to speak to him about it a few months ago and he basically said I was not wanting to pay my own way and freeloading so I didn't actually realise there was a problem. I paid for a night at a fancy hotel last year and he insisted I paid for half of the dinner so I don't know, he makes it seem like obviously that is how we would split things as I'm the one who wanted to go for the night away.

And then of course, there was the time he hid the BUTTER?

And the constant complaints about girlfriends and money?

You might want to write down a list of the crazy things that a) any normal person would let go and/or b) clearly demonstrate he wants to TAKE from you before this conversation.

The problem is that he never treats you or reciprocates. So even if he thinks his way is fine, even the dumbest person could figure out that they're not operating in the same way as their partner. And you HAVE said something and he's got defensive.

Is he that guy who when you go out for a group meal with friends is counting down exactly what he had, to the last penny and never rounds up? Even worse, does he then put his exact £34.65 in and leave everyone else to pick up the tip? We've ALL had THAT friend.

So would he display these behaviours in front of friends and family? Or does he keep it quiet? (Ie he's a bit embarrassed)

Is he the same with his own friends? Does he do rounds?