Being so tight with money?

I had an ex like this OP. It's beyond being careful with money, it's sheer obsessive control and tightness.

I put up with me driving us about and petrol costs, paying for meals out etc before I cottoned on when he wasn't funding the bill, he'd suddenly be ravenously hungry and order 3 courses. Day trips out were packed lunches, if he brought an item of more monetary value he would expect me to give him the difference even if this was pence. Actually tried arguing that the items Idbroughr could be sourced at a cheaper price than I'd bought so that was my poor planning. The tipping point came 2 months on the bounce of me buying in wine / nice meal for a weekend night. Both on limited incomes but enough not to be in hardship. He never contributed a penny or said thank you. Drank all the wine and called me stingy for not bringing a second bottle. I'd decided to test what he did when I turned up empty handed. He complained, questioned what I'd spent my money on that week (cheek!), made a big song and dance he'd have to cook "his food". Cooked 1 frozen pizza which I was allowed 1 small slice. Insisted he could only spare me a glass of tap water. Ended the evening with him addressing that he would be happy to wait until I collected the meal next week to pick up a replacement pizza for the one we'd eaten. Only fair considering he had host costs...turns out he'd estimated the one night a week I went to his incurred extra water meter costs from using the toilet, extra electric from watching a film rather than tv programme and "wear and tear" costs from extra sitting on the sofa/ walking on the carpet....
It gave me the royal ick and I ended things shortly after. Not before, I might add, going for a meal out knowing full well I had "accidentally" left my purse in another bag. The look on his face was priceless. I would highly commend this as a strategy as recompense for his hide and seek games with the butter alone OP - that in isolation is outlandishly tight behaviour

this is precious, such a good advice 😂

Sounds more like an aggy room mate than a partner. Do NOT have children with him could you imagine! Me and my husband have been together 10 years. He’s always paid for everything. His wages go into the joint account (as do mine although I am part time and earn a hell of a lot less) I can do what I please and buy myself (not that I do really) him and the kids whatever we want without asking or owing one another. He doesn’t care about it. He’s happy with us being happy

This is ridiculous! And I am heading in the similar direction, as my husband check all the items on the check and then complains if he feels like I bought some food I only eat. We are heading for separation, so if this is the case with your boyfriend .... I would suggest you to have a straight talk, as in the long run it will not work out. I've been together with my husband for 12years, but I was in a complete different situation when we got together, as I was still studying and not earning. Anyway, my advice would be either 1) you have a very open talk about this financial situation, as this is not normal if you want to create a family with him or 2) you go separate ways (he seems too stingy, and is sticking around just for the benefit of you treating him), if it was me, this would not lasted more then 2 dates .... if he didn't bother to woo you at the beginning, not much can be expected afterwards.

OMG this brings back memories of a self-catering holiday in France some years ago with exH, SIL and BIL.

BIL would not allow us to split the bills 50:50 No supermarket trip was complete without over an hour being spent on the "receipt audit" where every penny had to be allocated to one couple or the other. He even counted the number of cloves on a head of garlic to charge us 2p for each one used 🙄

We also spent an hour tramping around town on our journey home because he wanted to eat very cheaply but didn't want "chicken and chips" so rejected the reasonably priced place recommended by the hotel. He was in a huge sulk as he had this delusion that we would be able to get a gourmet meal for under £5.🙄🙄Of course an hour later he realized we couldn't and cheap won out ... so it was poulet-frites at the place we started at.

So glad you have seen him for the miserable tight arse he is.

He has been using you op.

You deserve so much better

Oh my god. Never heard anything like it. Dump now.

I'd leave there and then over the loo roll. Ick. Glad you got shut.

Living with someone isn't all its cracked up to be at times.

OP my heart goes out to you. It’s horrible to suddenly have the veil lifted but I hope in the long run it will be for the best. I hope you can find a way to end things without it being too painful.

Do you have anywhere to go? How will you handle a break up?

do you have any support?

Big hugs to you. I think this thread should now focus on helping OP hatch a plan to LTB. Not going over his miserliness anymore . That is already established.

My DH used to be cheap. I set him straight very early on. I cant deal with cheap. Learnt behaviour from his family. Being tight meant they could achieve some financial goals (flat bought outright in London) but there was just no enjoyment with all the penny pinching.

We discussed it early in our relationship. It is not like we can take it with us when we die. He is still sensible with money but not tight. Enjoys treating us and me.

Your partners level of tightness is astounding. I could not with a person like this. I hope your exit plan is smooth. Get rid! you will not be missing out on anything.

And stick his 2.50 up his arse

Have as much rose as you bloody well want !!!! Fuck him

Omg what a tight arse

It took my daughter a good few months to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. We’d all seen it from the beginning and when she left it was sickening to hear the lengths her partner went to about money. There’s being careful with money, there’s having to be frugal to live within your means and be able to save then there’s the unhealthy tightwad. The tightwad is the worst, being seen to be normal in company but at home it’s a different story.

It got so bad he was arguing over dog food - feeding an animal they’d both agreed to get. He tried to cut the dog down to half of what it needed in dried food, that was how tight this man was. She refused to feed the dog half portions, he argued, she argued back, he continued to argue. She later found out when he was feeding the dog when she was on a shift he only gave it half portions. He later told her this in an argument to “prove” she was spending too much on dog food.

When she eventually chucked him out he actually asked for the dog! That was never going to happen.

I don’t care what anyone says, the tightwad tries to exert control, it’s a form of financial abuse imo. My DD tried to talk to him so many times about it but he never understood. He’ll do the same with the next person he meets and the next and the next….

Enjoy your wine OP.

My sister has a friend who is like this with their partner. But this girl is like this, as well as her partner, and it works for them!

It wouldn't work for me.

If you have kids with him, and have to go on maternity leave, and not being able to contribute financially, what will he and you do?

If I was in your shoes right now, Id finish my wine and go to bed
And not act on anything - tonight, or even tomorrow

Because right now you are having to come to realise a lot and its a lot to take on board. So much stuff thats been going on that you havent noticed, never even thought of as being weird, your life as you know it is possibly exploding

You are right in that writing it down, "talking it out on here" is eye opening for you. But dont just jump into anything. Take time to let all this sink in and work out what is the truth of the matter, decide on what you want to do moving forward then speak to him without us all speaking for you

Best of luck going forwards xx

I really feel like we’re gonna need an update on this, it’s really struck a chord!

Run.

He sounds appalling and you deserve better. Please don't have children with this dreadful man.

Urgh- I had an ex like this- it was a huge turn off. Complaining if i use too much loo roll. Etc etc.
We had 1 takeaway in 4 years and 2 coffee out ( macdonalds). His meanness towards his kids was frightening.
I ran
So should you !!!!!

Now that you've realized who he really is, and he is giving you the ick, can you just pack your stuff and decamp to friends or family?

No big conversations or explanations, no drama. He doesnt deserve an ounce of consideration on your part, given the disdain he has dished out to you for literally years.

I ditched a fella for this very reason. And it’s not just being tight; it’s selfish and disrespectful. Sack him off

Raising a glass in solidarity.
Is there a friend or family member who might let you stay for a few weeks while you flat hunt? I'd perhaps have a conversation with him outlining what a shit he has been, but it would be a final conversation without any room for him to wriggle out of it. There's no way he will ever change.

You probably would have savings if you acted like he did.

You are sponsoring his lifestyle at your cost. Not only are you missing out on your potential savings (and likely decrease in food bills!), but you are missing out on the potentiality of another persons love and care that is - equal to yours.

He is not a prize and you are not a tree - you can move on x

Dh and I just have a joint account. We don’t tally anything up.
However some people like their own and many of my friends have a joint plus their own.
The outgoings are averaged and split with plenty of wiggle room.