Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being so tight with money?

984 replies

Rockrose94 · 08/07/2024 21:31

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and split the rent / bills 50/50. Our take home pay is very similar and I have an extra outgoing of my car finance which he does not. We effectively keep our finances completely separate, I worry how this will work long term as he has said he does not want to share finances at all as he has more savings.

Anyway the main issue just now is 1) he has bought me dinner once in 4 years, for my 30th birthday present. I took him on a foreign holiday and presents for his 30th. I have paid for nights away and meals for us several times when he has said he can't afford it as I wanted to treat him. I don't do this often any more as it's never been reciprocated 2) we split all food shops evenly but usually do our own meals during the week as I am dieting. He just stood for half an hour itemising up every item on the food shops over the weekend to come to the point that I owe him £2.50. Note that he will charge me half of the food we share but he would likely eat 2/3 of the meal. AIBU to be tired of this? It feels so tight , do other people itemise everything and charge their partner almost to the penny?!

OP posts:
REignbow · 11/07/2024 12:00

Well he is going to miss his bottle knife washer and cash cow when you leave. It will be all on him.

I bet now you eyes are well and truly opened, you will remember more of his insane crap.

Maria1979 · 11/07/2024 11:19

This thread made me happy: OP got support to realise she was in an abusive relationship. So many kind and well-meaning people out there. Thank you all.

apostrophewoman · 11/07/2024 11:07

OP, take his ruddy butter with you!

Well done on acting so quickly and escaping this shit. Wishing you a much brighter future.

Needanewname42 · 11/07/2024 09:44

Op someone up thread mentioned the freedom program. The more you've written the more I think they might have a point.
It's very common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another.

Best of luck for your future.

BowlOfNoodles · 11/07/2024 09:40

This is the most supportive thread I've seen on here! So chuffed that you've decided to fuck this shitty situation off.

anothernewstart9 · 11/07/2024 09:35

Good to hear your family can help, will you leave this weekend? Stay safe, make sure you have someone with you whilst you are packing/moving out and as others have said, leave his sodding £2.50 on top of a pack of butter as a parting gift. Keep us updated, you have a lot of support on here.

Rockrose94 · 11/07/2024 09:21

TerfTalking · 11/07/2024 09:04

You know, when you leave he will be astonished, astounded, amazed and will genuinely wonder what's wrong with you, you had it soooo good.

Oh yes I know, he honestly can't seem to understand what the issue is anytime I've brought it up! Or at least he pretends he can't!

OP posts:
TerfTalking · 11/07/2024 09:04

You know, when you leave he will be astonished, astounded, amazed and will genuinely wonder what's wrong with you, you had it soooo good.

SamW98 · 11/07/2024 09:02

Well done OP. The boiled frog analogy is definitely true in your case I think but you’ve finally seen the reality of a future with tight arse and it’s not pretty.

Just make sure as a parting gift you leave him. £2.50 a knob of butter and a couple of sips of wine

HarrytheHobbit · 11/07/2024 08:55

Have you told your family about his behaviour and if so what was their response?

BobbyBiscuits · 11/07/2024 08:41

Tell him straight. 'You're a tight git and it's doing my head in. You're perfectly happy to accept expensive gifts off me but I get nothing in return. You're a piss taker. Bye!'

Rockrose94 · 11/07/2024 08:41

AmandaHoldensLips · 11/07/2024 08:39

@Rockrose94 - it's the 'boiling frog' thing which happens over a period of time so you don't tend to notice how bad things are because it has become your 'normal' and you have nothing to compare it to.

Just thank your lucky stars that the scales have finally fallen from your eyes before it's too late.

Keep your head up and know that you have a very bright future ahead of you!

You're definitely right. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Rockrose94 · 11/07/2024 08:39

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 11/07/2024 08:36

Does he tell you how to behave, particularly around his family and friends? I bet he does.

Good luck on moving forward. You're doing well.

I'm not sure actually, not really been aware of it other than him maybe scoffing if I said something he didn't like. Usually if I'm making future plans to go out with them and spend money

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 11/07/2024 08:39

@Rockrose94 - it's the 'boiling frog' thing which happens over a period of time so you don't tend to notice how bad things are because it has become your 'normal' and you have nothing to compare it to.

Just thank your lucky stars that the scales have finally fallen from your eyes before it's too late.

Keep your head up and know that you have a very bright future ahead of you!

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 11/07/2024 08:36

Does he tell you how to behave, particularly around his family and friends? I bet he does.

Good luck on moving forward. You're doing well.

Rockrose94 · 11/07/2024 08:35

BustyLaRoux · 11/07/2024 08:22

Too much water in the kettle???? Who lives like this?! It isn’t normal. He has serious issues. I really mean that. I think someone who isn’t on the breadline criticising you for boiling more than a mugful of water has serious control issues. He isn’t like this with his friends. So this isn’t about money per se. If he was really that worried about money his friends would be able to see it too. This about some deep seated issues around assuming he is going to be screwed over and ensuring he controls every penny to ensure you don’t step over his imaginary line!! Like I say, he has some issues which are his and his alone to sort. You deserve so much better!

It's mad but it's all one sided is what I've realised and somehow it's creeped up to this level so I honestly didn't realise how bad it is until I read all these replies.
I actually think the kettle and stuff is more about control the more I reflect on this. There's other small stuff he's done to make me change my behaviour, stuff like shouting at me for washing his fancy knives and leaving them to dry in the dishrack and not putting away. Which I now can't see any reason for shouting at someone for that kind of thing other than control.

OP posts:
Rockrose94 · 11/07/2024 08:28

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2024 06:03

Are you making plans to end things with him? I hope you are. You’ve been gaslit for too long.

Yes I am, spoke to family who said I can stay with them until I have another rental sorted out fortunately

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 11/07/2024 08:22

Too much water in the kettle???? Who lives like this?! It isn’t normal. He has serious issues. I really mean that. I think someone who isn’t on the breadline criticising you for boiling more than a mugful of water has serious control issues. He isn’t like this with his friends. So this isn’t about money per se. If he was really that worried about money his friends would be able to see it too. This about some deep seated issues around assuming he is going to be screwed over and ensuring he controls every penny to ensure you don’t step over his imaginary line!! Like I say, he has some issues which are his and his alone to sort. You deserve so much better!

NarnianQueen · 11/07/2024 07:33

I've just read this thread with my jaw on the floor! I'm so glad you've seen the light op and don't have too many entanglements to prevent you ending this. He sounds awful and it just shows how stuff like this can break up on you so it seems normal!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2024 06:03

Are you making plans to end things with him? I hope you are. You’ve been gaslit for too long.

pikkumyy77 · 11/07/2024 03:34

Jesus Christ on the kettle!

Blackthorne · 11/07/2024 00:50

I hope you’re ok OP?

He sounds barmy. I hope you can get away from him soon.

If you’re 30 you absolutely need to get away from him asap.

If you think you’d like kids it’s a waste of your time, even a night longer with this man. He sounds really horrible saying he’s protecting himself from you stealing his money. That’s just awful. What a nasty piece of work.

I hope your family are supportive and you can get over this quickly. It sounds like you’ve already had enough anyway.

poetryandwine · 11/07/2024 00:12

Rockrose94 · 10/07/2024 20:18

Actually he has complained about me putting too much water in the kettle too and have to make sure I only fill up enough for 1 mug 😂but will happily sit blasting a heater in his office for hours to keep himself warm. Oh its exhausting! Onwards and upwards

Is this his home office? Are you paying for some of that heat?

Fgfgfg · 10/07/2024 23:25

If you've bought furniture jointly I'd be tempted to hire a chainsaw and take my half with me. Even some good scissors would enable you to take half the duvet✂

OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving · 10/07/2024 23:10

I just wanted to say that you sound such a lovely sincere and kind hearted person OP. I'm glad you have taken in all the advice offered to you here and that you now realise that this is very much a "him" problem. You deserve so much better. I wish you all the luck in the world. 💐

Swipe left for the next trending thread