Being so tight with money?

My friend and her husband have 4 children. He gave her money for 'housekeeping ' every month when the children were school age. One evening he took a child to their hobby. A couple of the other children were also with him. He bought fish and chips for them. When they got home he presented her with the receipt so she could reimburse him from the housekeeping .He accounted for absolutely every single penny spent. He was very senior in the RAF and on a huge salary.
I've known several women with husbands like this. It's always completely transactional and the women are always stressed and miserable. Don't become one of them Op.

There’s been a couple of threads like this recently. There’s a few of them around.

Hope your planning is coming along and you find a good happy place .

To be blunt… you are basically sh*gging your housemate. Even then I think a housemate wouldn’t be so stingy over butter.

Dump him before you waste anymore time on this relationship.

Bloody hell! You had a lucky escape @MarvellousMidgeMaisel

he may have told you he loves you, but he doesn't value or respect you.

You're definitely not compatible and pity the poor soul who ends up in his bed, bearing his children, living by his rules.

You can just see it coming, he'll refuse to pay for baby stuff, or split the cost of nappies, refuse to buy the children new coats and shoes when they grow too fast. fucking nightmare.

Well done for making the decision to get out.

same!

Good luck op
I'm with others on the keeping it simple especially at point of telling him it's over. You've tried talking to him about it he gaslit you - he won't acknowledge hes wrong it'll just be more unpleasant. Just get out when you can and look to the future

I had a boyfriend like this. When I left him he presented me with a spreadsheet of everything (he thought) I owed him going back 10 years. It was £16k worth of ‘my half of this dinner out’, ‘my half of fuel to IKEA ’ etc. He earned 6 figures, I barely broke £20k at the time. Run for the hills.

I love this for you! I'd be over the moon with the dress gesture I'd of given him a massage 💆‍♂️ lol

Because ending a relationship can be a very dangerous moment for a lot of women. This man sounds like he has the potential to turn very nasty.

I would turn it round on him.

"Dave, you have been using me. You have been happy to freeload from me and have me pay for holidays and meals out. You eat more food than me but charge me half. You don't contribute to presents for my family. You are a miser and a taker and I've lost all attraction I once had for you. I'm leaving and have given the landlord notice."

This man will suck all the joy from your life. You are only 30, you have such a bright future ahead without this stingy git in it. Run for the hills and your freedom.

It is not normal behaviour in the slightest! My DH is definitely a bit more careful with money than I am but we're still a team and split our joint finances. DH does watch the pennies more than I do and that can wind me up when I want to go out for dinner and he wants to save the money and stay at home for example. But we were stood in a shop the other day and I had my purse out to pay for a new dress I was buying and he dashed in at the till and tapped his own card before I could pay. He said it was because he wanted to treat me. Find someone that wants to treat you as well.

I have read all of your replies and feel really moved watching the journey of you realising your self worth, well done you. You're right he will never change, in the future you'll send him out for a pack of emergency nappies and he'll be wanting you to give him half the cash first, ew.

Good luck for the future, 100% sounds like you're making the right decision leaving this fool.
All the best x

Hi op - I really wish you well. 🌺

OP- my best friend dated a bloke exactly like this - he was part of our friendship group. Every time they went on a date he would use the calculator on his phone to work out down to the last pence what they had drunk/eaten and demand it back. She assumed they'd just take it in turns to pay as most people do- eg You get this one, I'll get the next one etc but no, he had to work it out exactly even down to the last 5p etc.

She dumped him because of it and since then he has struggled to find a girlfriend and even contacted her later on to ask why she left because he kept getting dumped. Even when she kindly told him he wouldnt have it and insisted it couldnt be that.

He is still single even now 😐

how are you getting on OP? are you seeing his behaviour now in a new light all the time? glad to hear you have family to support you

I just want to say to the OP, well done for being big enough to recognise that this is not right and to start making plans to leave... Think about what physical items you have brought to the home and make sure that you remove them, too when you leave and it might be easier to do this when he is out of the house.

And to make you feel a little better, it is not just men who do this. Many years ago, just post war, my mother gave up her home (my dad was in the RAF) to move in with her aunt who had lost her husband. My great aunt was as tight as a tick and charged my mother an extra 6d a week, because she listened to the Nine o'clock news on the wireless... I also had a friend who married a chap who went through restaurant bills to break down who had which vegetables and how much of them... not an attractive trait, made all the worse by the fact that my friend brought the money to the marriage.

I wish you every future happiness... with someone who will value you properly and give your the lovely future that you deserve.

End this relationship and let somebody else put up with this obsessive miser. He is nuts. There really is no other solution.

Yuck. I am all for being fair and being equal with a partner but this is beyond the pale- quibbling over £2.50? bloody hell.

I wonder how he'd feel if you started working out how much he owed you considering he eats more than you and then demanded his share back in pence or pounds? I bet my mortgage he wouldnt like it one bit and yet thats exactly what he is doing to you!

Agree with everyone else- leave. This is a deep ingrained attitude and its not just about money, it speaks to his entire character and attitude that he is "owed", that you cant be trusted and that you are somehow trying to rip him off which you arent.

You wont get past this- it will irritate you more and more and that attitude of his will seep into other areas of your relationship. It's gross behaviour and you deserve better. Tightness and rigidity like this is such a massive turn off and it would make me never want to have sex with him ever again.

Leave.

Save your breath and your energy, don't bother with a long list of his spiteful penny pinching. You know his tightfistedness is at an Olympic level. He has told you that after 4 years in a committed relationship, he doesn't trust you. He has admitted he has to check on you and he thinks you are 'out to fleece him'. If he doesn't trust you after 4 years what is the point? Where is the future? Give that reason for leaving - he said it.

Me too! I think I’d have to say that the obsession with money (eg going through the shopping list, ensuring he gets the same amount of wine, ensuring she doesn’t use more than a mug full of water in the kettle, etc) isn’t normal behaviour and it is not enjoyable to be around someone who is constantly policing every penny spent. That there is no joy left in the relationship as he will only ever go away or out for a meal if he isn’t the one paying. And that his constant anxiety that he will be fleeced by his girlfriend if he doesn’t do this is awful to be with. That in fact he is the one fleecing her as eats more of the food and is happy to accept treats if she pays. And that she has realised this behaviour is not conducive to being in a mutually respectful and loving relationship.

I’d have to say all that if it were me. The vague “we want different things” would mean he can just think she’s the one with the problem and it wasn’t his fault. I don’t know if I’m petty but I would want to be clear that the fault for the demise of the relationship was entirely with him!

He cannot change.
As a young student I paid for my ex boyfriend’s ski trip because I didn’t want him to miss out. A few months later he asked me to pay for the fuel of our together trip to the beach because I had suggested it.
Seperate scanning at shops, splitting the meal bills by item. It makes me quite angry remembering all the nonsense.

That is no way to live.

Sounds like a selfish twat to me. I couldn't be with someone like that.

As others have said RUN. Do not have children with this man. What will happen when the kids need new shoes, registration fees for clubs, uniform, etc. This month I have to pay for £50 rugby registration, £45 for a flipping mouth guard, school uniform and shoes, which will be £100+ , glasses (I get them thinned and anti glare) £60+ . Mt useless ex partner will 'see what he can do' so basically all that is on me right at the start of the summer holidays.

Run, before you end up in a similar situation. What kind of person holds someone over £2.50! I wouldn't even do that to a work colleague.

10+ years of this life. My advice to you is, get out ASAP and do not have children with this man. You'll find you have nothing to your name each month and he's rolling in it. Then you feel guilty asking for 'help' 😞 it's not a life you want to live.

He actually sounds unwell, that is such a dysfunctional relationship with money - and you! Others have said it, but parenting with this person would be HORRIFIC, like, life changingly terrible. Run x