Can't afford to get engaged

What has being engaged got to do with kids? I don't understand?

I see where you’re coming from OP. I wanted us to own a house before we got married. That was a more important thing to focus on I felt than a wedding. We ended up having a very short engagement and an inexpensive but lovely wedding a few months after we bought our first house.

Costs nothing to get engaged and weddings csn be cheap and cheerful. Any reason why you can't better your financial position?

It is very sensible to consider the cost of raising a child. If you do want children someday, are you working towards changing your financial situation? are you both pursuing additional education or training? That is much easier to do before children.

I think the wedding costs is a red herring here.
The questions are

1. do you want kids?
2. if so, do you want them with him?
3. if so, when?

If you do both want kids together in theory (recognising that it may not happen for all sorts of reasons), then you need to sit down and talk about finances, plans etc.

But if your reticence about getting engaged is because deep down that's not what you want with him then you need to acknowledge that to yourself then be honest with him.

Why can’t you see yourself earning better?

I wouldn’t have children without attempting to improve myself financially first.

How old are you both? Where about in the uk do you live? Why can't you work towards a better paid job? What's holding you back? OSS it lack of qualifications etc?

DH and I both earnt under 28k when we got engaged. We used inherited rings for my wedding and engagement rings so they were free bar resizing. You don't need rings at all or you can buy a lower budget engagement ring now and upgrade. There are so many nice ones.

We saved up for our wedding to have what we wanted. Weddings are as cheap or as expensive as you make them - the point is the marriage. You can do that in the registry office with no bells and whistles if you like.

Children... it may or may not happen. You both may earn more money by the time it does.

You’re very passive, OP. Do you want to marry him? Do you want to have children?

Getting engaged doesn’t cost anything, it’s an agreement between the two of you, that’s that, a ring is optional.

Getting married can be minimal fuss & expense at a registrar office.

You don’t gave to have a child immediately.

I don’t see the issue unless you don’t see a future with your partner.

39 years ago we got married for less than £250. Still married.

I do think your sensible thinking about the cost of children and having a good environment for them. There is nothing stopping you both perhaps getting second jobs or qualifications and improving things on the financial front.

Money doesn't have much to do with getting married. Local registry and some nice inspensive rings unless you envisioned whole white wedding thing.

It is important to be on the same page and discuss timelines.
We would get married.
If you both want kids - what kind of time line and changes on lifestyle to afford to have a child
How split bills and make money decisions

We live in a studio flat and I earn minimum wage, I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.

Why on earth not? FGS, have more self-worth than that. You can achieve great things if you want to.

You don’t need any amount of money to get engaged, you can just decide you are and as others have said marriage can be very cheap too.

If the expectation of children is your worry then you need to speak to him about that x

There’s no salary requirement for a marriage.
And there is no requirement to have children immediately or at all because you’re married.

We got engaged, no engagement ring (ever), got married in reg office for under £100. Think wedding ring cost about £40. No regrets, apart from the fact that having scrimped and saved on everything and worked our arses off, that Starmer now sees us as cash cows.

We got engaged, no party and just a ring and not a stupidly expensive one either, but one I was happy to wear. Wedding, went off on holiday, queued at the Town Hall, paid $50 and job done. No debt, no hassle, just us making a commitment to sharing our lives, which is how it should be. Marriage has become a ridiculous production for many and you've a partner who wants to share his life with you, so go on, do it and life is not Instagram, but it is about grabbing opportunities and not worrying about what ifs, but making the best of what is!

You sound like your own worse enemy as you’ve put yourself down and holding yourself back.

Getting engaged costs nothing. "Will you?" "Yes" "Great we're engaged".
Getting married can cost whatever you'd like, small registry office wedding e.g. or elopement!

I think you need to ask yourself where you see the relationship going, do you want to go that way?

And then also ask yourself: We live in a studio flat and I earn minimum wage, I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better. why don't you ever see yourself earning more or doing better? Value yourself better.

What's holding you back?

I (now) earn minimum wage in the NHS, my husband earns about £30k. We are married and have kids and we're doing alright. We didn't even have a small cheap wedding. We saved up for what we wanted. Sounds more like you're finding reasons not to get married to him tbh. You can get engaged and married for as little or as much as you want to spend.

Getting married costs about £100. It’s not compulsory to have kids if you get married. Do you want them?

Ok so you're not in a financial position to have kids. I think I you're being wise.
Regardless of if you want kids/ marriage - what are you doing to improve your financial situation? Upskilling/ applying for promotions/ moving jobs for a pay rise?

Getting engaged is free.
Would you marry me?
Yes.

Ta-da. Engaged.