Can't afford to get engaged

I don't see myself ever earning more or doing better.

Can you expand on that? Why do you feel that way?

I agree with your DP. You’re not going to do stuff if you don’t do stuff, you know? Just do it and things work out. First step - get engaged, free of charge. You can do that right now, tonight, sitting on the sofa, you don’t even have to move other than speaking.
Second step, maybe explore work options.

OP you've said "I don't know" three times now. Are you waiting for MN to tell you? We can't do that.

What does your future look like, who can say but if you want to wait until everything's 'just right' before moving forwards you might find life goes on without you. Surely being young and in love and engaged (if marriage is what you want) is part of building your lives together, you move on up together, grow in your lives and in your careers, together.

So I would say that if it's not a happy 'Yes!' or even a slightly "oh my goodness is this really happening 'Yes' " then really it's a No from you, at this time anyway. And that's a conversation you need to have with your BF.

These are two completely separate things. They can get the marriage done at barely any cost.

You can afford to get engaged.

You can get rings in Argos for £20 or go to a charity shop and get a second hand one.

You can then have a registry office marriage.

But you are not ready and that’s fine.

Tell him you aren’t ready just yet and spend the next 12 months getting a better job.

Ask him to discuss it again in 12 months time and then if it’s still a no, then he can choose leave if he doesn’t want to wait for you any longer.

It seems like your reluctance here is really about the kids issue. Do you want to have children? Because not having them is a valid option.

Or maybe it's more that you do eventually want children, but just not now given your financial situation?

Or maybe you're not sure yet?

Whatever the answer is, I think you're right to be cautious about committing to marry someone who may or may not have the same attitude towards children as you do. It's one of those issues that in my opinion it's never a good idea to compromise on, as it only leads to resentment.

Getting married is not expensive! There are women out there desperate for their partner to propose, its nice that your partner wants commitment.

He is partly right re the cost of kids. There's never a perfect time. But i would say zero hours work is a bit insecure, if you've got time on your side no harm trying to improve your finances and save yourselves a cushion before taking the plunge.

How old are you? If you're still in your 20s or early 30s it completely makes sense to wait until you're financially more secure before having kids. The getting engaged bit costs nothing but tbh in your situation I would prioritise saving money and getting a bigger place to live before spending money on a wedding

Nowhere in this thread does it seem like you want to have children. You talk about expectations, but not about e.g. how you wish you felt you could.

If you don't want kids, or even if you're not sure, that's fine, but your partner needs to know that.

If you do want kids then I apologise for misunderstanding you.

You're working now but if you're on a 0 hours contract you won't get maternity pay, what will you do then?

I raised a child on a low income and I wouldn't encourage it to be honest, it's not fun. The cost of things like school uniform and school trips run into the hundreds every year. DS's school blazers were £33 each.

Well, the question is do you actually want to have children? If not and you're happy to potter along as you are that's fine.

If you want children increasing your earnings can be done if you want it to. It doesn't sound like you're that bothered though?

Ignoring money do you want to have kids?

Do you want them with him or is there something about his behaviour e.g. spending, not doing his share, being unkind, having drink or drug issues that puts you off?

Is there anything you are worried about other than money when it comes to kids?

On to money, kids are expensive but you are likely to be able to afford one unless you have substantial financial commitments that go on other things you can't or don't want to cut back on.

You don’t need to get engaged to marry. You can marry for under £200 inc all fees. Register offices have to offer statutory ceremonies.
As someone older my experience is cheap wedding = long lasting marriage. I didn’t have an engagement ring. Friend had a ring from a pawn shop (don’t pay vat) and a Monday am wedding as it was cheapest. All still happy/no regrets.

Of course you can afford to get engaged 😂

You say, 'Shall we get married?' and he says 'Yeah, ok'.

Boom, that's it, you're engaged.

How much do you think you need to earn to be comfortable enough for kids? Will you and/ or him ever earn that? How old are you- there’s a difference between being 25 and 40 and not being sure if you can afford kids.
You sound like you’re not prepared to try and earn more than you are doing now so, are you not really bothered about kids or are you not really bothered about him?

Your thread title is about not wanting to get engaged but your whole post is about having kids!

We just got engaged- no presents, no fuss, no party.
Our wedding cost about £3000 total including the reception and evening do- for about 40 people, the dress (my best friend made it), DH's suit, the flowers (from FIL allotment and garden), the photos (taken by SIL who is an artist). We weren't trying to keep costs down, we just didn't want a big fuss.

You're not in the financial place to have kids in your opinion. Do you mean you want to marry someone richer?

if you are having sex now and wouldn't change your contraceptive method, you'd be no more or less likely to become pregnant, married or not. If he is pressurising you to do something you don't want or don't feel ready for then don't worry about engagement, just leave now.

My grandparents were from a very poor background in Ireland.

My grandfather loved my grandmother but had not a penny to spare. He wove a ring from grass and proposed to her. They had their ups and downs rich times and poor sickness and health but they were together for 64 years until he died of Parkinsons and had 3 sons and a daughter and were always able to provide for their needs. She kept that ring very safely and carefully.

You don't need something expensive and shiny. You just need to love them enough - of course yuo can afford to get engaged.

If you do not want children you don’t have to have children, it is absolutely not a requirement of marriage. But you need to tell him that you don’t want any, otherwise it’s unfair. And don’t let him talk you in to it if you are sure of your feelings - being child free is an entirely valid (and from my current position of relentless bickering from my children, enviable) choice.

She says “I just know he wants to get married and have kids.“

Getting engaged is free of charge, if yoi
dispense with the ring.

Getting married costs next to nothing, if you want it to.

You don’t sound sure about having kids or getting married, in which case you’re right not to rush into it.

As other have said, getting engaged costs nothing, weddings can be cheap (mine was) and you don’t have to have kids straight away either, if at all. We waited over 10 years from getting engaged before having kids.

However, I wouldn’t get engaged/ married if he wants kids and you’re not sure about them, without discussing it with him first. If you do want them and it’s just about your financial position, that’s sensible and I would not be going ahead with having kids with the plan being to claim ‘support’.

Ha yes but nowadays you have to have a ring... insta surprise proposal in an expensive location... then there's the engagement photo shoot... the whole raft of social media rubbish.

It's not like in our day, a cheap ring and a quick question and ta da! All done