Can't afford to get engaged

Three questions to answer, just for yourself, not for us.
Do you want to get married to this man?
Do you want kids, either now or further down the line?
With him?
Once you're clear on those I think it'll all fall into place. As others have said you could marry for peanuts. You don't have to have kids if you marry. You don't have to marry to have kids. If you do want kids and can't afford them, start working on how to earn more.
But the first step is to work out what you actually want.

Jeez Louise, OP.

All these replies and you won't answer any of the important questions about your age or whether you want DC (or him). You just came back and repeated "I don't really know".

Come on. People are trying to help you.

What don't you know? Whether he's the right one? How you feel about marriage? Children? Why don't you think your wages will improve? What are your ambitions? I hat sector do you work in?

You've mentioned you don't know twice
If you wanted to marry him, then you wouldn't need to post
How old are you? Would you like DC?
I think you need to chat with DP
It's the marriage that counts not the wedding in my opinion. You can get married for approximately £200 in your lunch break if you want

Putting aside the issue of whether you even want to marry him...

Has he done a full budget on how much it would cost to raise a child? Because he seems the 'everything will be fine' type who doesn't plan but just assumes magic money and help will appear.

Why don't you sit down and make a long term plan and budget together? Cost of the wedding, use EntitledTo to find out the benefits you'd get, maternity leave, pension contributions during your mat leave or if either of you go part-time, ask whether grandparents are even willing to help, if not there how much does childcare cost, education costs, etc.

Growing up in poverty isn't fun, plan to avoid it.

I think that after 4 years together most people are thinking about marriage and what they want for the future. The reality is that your boyfriend wants to get married.
You know if you get married he wants a child. At the moment your living in a studio apartment, your on a 0 hours contract in a min wage job and he is earning £28 k a year.
He is telling you we can have a child band we can get benefits and his parents will help out.

I don't think you want to have a child in your current circumstances. You don't need an expensive wedding but I would not bring a child into the world until your financial situation improves. You need to do further training to get a better job, work on building up both your careers and savings before having a child.

I have seen couples who waited a few years to improve their careers, earning potential and savings before a wedding and child. Several of them bought an apartment or house. Once you have a child or two you can borrow less on a mortgage.

Also depending on benefits is not a good idea because your going to be made look for and take up work. Children get more expensive each year. With the current cost of living people I know with child are finding it harder to pay the bills.

This

Reading between the lines it seems that you are not sure about marrying him. Maybe you’re not quite ready to admit that to yourself? Could that be the case here? An engagement doesn’t have to cost anything and marriage can be done very cheaply so it can’t be about the cost.

Only you know, but from what you have written, you sound lukewarm about this.

Are you in love with him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

If ,after 4 years together, you don’t feel up to committing to him then give him clarity and either explain you are not ready, if he chooses to wait ,or give him the opportunity to move on.

Totally this.

@Feelslikewereonlygoingfaster - you seem very passive. What exactly are your life goals, and what are you doing to achieve them? Same goes for your BF who seems way too focused on having kids. What is he doing to improve his prospects?

Everything about life gets WAY more difficult and challenging once you have children. Therefore I strongly urge you to focus on getting your careers sorted - both of you!! - before contemplating becoming parents.

The engagement, at this point, is not a priority - although personally I'd not get pregnant without getting married first.

If it doesn't feel right, and that's what it sounds like really, just don't.

Is the cost really why you're not comfortable?

I do think its really good to be sensible about finances, especially before having kids! But it doesn't need to cost much to get married, I think it cost us £250 for the license and registry ceremony (6 years ago). We've never had a lot of money but we've saved up and been sensible and now have a DD 😊 If you're keen to have kids, could you be keeping an eye out for jobs with good maternity benefits?

The question is OP - do YOU want kids?

The thing is do you want to share your life with him forever?

This! What do you want from this thread? You keep saying 'I don't know'. Well we sure as hell don't!

Do you secretly not really love him, not really want to spend the rest of your life with him, and not really want children? In which case tell him. Stop saying 'I don't know' and making crappy excuses.

You haven't said how old you are.

I think if you're young, you can feel under pressure to have everything sorted and boxes ticked by the time you're 30, which is pretty unrealistic for most of us.

I had a few serious relationships lasting several years but I only got married in my late 40's after I'd had a child and decided my DH was 'the one'

To me, marriage is nothing to do with fancy frocks and a big party. We got married in a registry office with just a handful of guests and a nice simple lunch afterwards. I didn't bother with a formal engagement or wedding ring as such although I do wear a ring. Stuff isn't what matters.

Do you love him? Spend your life with him? Try for kids when it's feasible? Go for it, you only live once. If not, let him know he deserves that.

Your partner is right that there is never a “right” time for these things, my wedding cost me £4K a few years ago so you can marry on a budget if it is the marriage, rather than a big wedding that is important to you both. I think the key here is to have a conversation to air your points of view clearly and any reservations you have, e.g. are the expectations after marriage that you would have a child immediately, or would you prefer to wait etc…?

You both sound reasonable and sensible, just make sure you listen to each other and plan a way forward that works for you as a couple 😊

Well you can't really....as soon as you and partner jointly decide to get married....you are engaged.

You're not keen on any of it, are you? Not the getting engaged, married or having kids. So don't!

My partner says we'd manage fine with 1 child as we'd be entitled to support, and we also have a lot of support from his parents.

I suggest that you check to see if you would indeed be entitled to support and how much support.

I also think having kids, depending on family support (either financial or otherwise) isn't a good idea.
Things can change and this people will no longer be able to assist. It's your responsibility and you both need to be able to do it.

Is there no chance you can get a better job? Minimum wage and zero hours must be difficult.

Can you give a child the life you would want to as a parent? Everyone has different standards for what they want and they're is no right or wrong....it's just about the life YOY want for your future child.

If you want to be married, then you can do it at cost. If you're making it all about cost, then it is a wedding you want, not marriage.

So why is that stopping you getting engaged?
Having children isn't part of getting engaged.

If you are saying you don't feel in a place you feel you can afford to raise a child that's a different thing altogether but I'm not seeing why that's a reason not to get engaged.

If you don't want to get engaged you don't have to invent reasons. It's ok to say to him you aren't ready for that yet.

Look tbh you don’t sound interested in committing. He wants marriage and children - fairly normal after being together in what he thinks is a stable relationship. You don’t for whatever reason. An engagement can cost almost nothing - and yet you are still unsure - which tells me you don’t actually what it. That’s FINE. You need to rethink your relationship. Good luck.

If you don't want to marry him and have kids with him, be honest. He deserves that much.