How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

@Oldcroneandthreewitches her parents when they were alive! I just don't want my children paying for me, I'm there for the treats, the extras, buying them goodies, holidays and so on. I don't want paying back if I can afford it, if I couldn't then it would be different, but I can and it's my pleasure in life, not getting £20 off them each for a meal out.

Why be personal? Why be so unpleasant?
I was actually going to discuss this, but I find your post offensive.
I won't lower myself to respond.

Just to check the dynamics here - you're going to visit her and staying where she lives (but not in her home) for five days? You're not going elsewhere in NZ together? If so, will you definitely all want to have every meal out together for all five days? That's not what I would want or expect to do. I probably wouldn't want or expect to spend all day and evening of those 5 days together!

They don't stop being your children. Obviously others just see them as ", working adults".

Her parents did, I imagine.
I guess there is an element of family tradition, and people just reproduce what happened for them.

At what point would you ever consider your babies old enough to buy a meal?

Would you be on your death bed saying ‘fetch mummy her purse’

I would say this too

I wouldn't feel bad though if we all paid our own, but it's one small thing they like to do for us, I would never take that away from them as it's a 'treat' thing- we don't eat expensive places or drink wine though.

I will want to go on taking my children out for lunch or dinner for ever, but I do agree a holiday might really add up so I'd treat them to the first dinner, and then afterwards discuss having a kitty or splitting bills for the rest of the time.

I don't think it's entitled, I think it's an open question which families handle differently which is why speaking up is the right thing to do. My FIL never lets us pay for anything ever and would be most affronted if I tried, I have tried and quickly learned that it is just something that would make him feel diminished, so now I just spend a lot on my late-teen/adult kids.

I was just remembering the time I took my then 17 year old niece to Oxford for the open day and she attempted to pay for our meal in a restaurant. I absolutely refused to let her but was so pleased at her good manners and generosity.

Even as a working adult, you are still your parent’s child.

My parents never stopped paying for me and my sister, even though we are in our 40s and married with kids.
Of course we sometimes invite them / insist to get the bill, but the default is them paying. My mum even tries to pay for my train ticket when I visit them (I decline obviously).

You could say something like, “Since we’re dining out so much on this holiday, let’s split the bills to make it easier for everyone.” It’s direct and acknowledges the situation without making it awkward.

Who pays for your mum? Who takes your mum out for treat? How is that even?

Dear lord, it's not freeloading if your parents insist on paying, in order to treat you.
It reminds me of those dreadful threads where people insist on wanting "the market rate" for their DC to stay in the family home, as if they're lodgers. I can't imagine looking at my DC through the prism of what it's costing me.

I have three girls - my two youngest are absolutely broke free loaders. School age.

My eldest is nearly 30 and earns well and won’t let me pay for her. She books me in for spa treats and spoils me because she knows she went without nothing when she was growing up and wants to show her appreciation.

She is an adult woman who doesn’t need her mummy to pay for her food.

You need to raise it before you go. This is a change to how you usually do things. Don't blindside them with, you can get the next one.

Maybe look for a restaurant or day out for the last day/night and say you'd like to pay for that. That will open the conversation for the expectations for how things should be from now on.

It would be nice for your DC to treat you. I'd be happy with a big night in.

My mum still pays for me, I'm in my fifties! I pay for my children, it all evens out that way.

If nothing else, asking for them to pay their way is treating them like the adults they are. They need to become a little more aware about how their actions reflect on them.

Even if that's what they are? How else to characterise their behaviour?

Fair enough. But it's probably better than outright saying 'I'm just fed up with paying for you spongers all the time. Grow up and put your hands in your pockets'. And full-time elderly care is astronomically expensive and can really eat into an inheritance. She could always mention that.😁

Embarrassing

Nope.
Viewing your children as "freeloaders" is horrible.

I agree. However I think there are a lot of adults on this thread happy to keep having mummy pay for them

But they have been free-loading! What other way is there to think of it when comparatively affluent adults in their late 20s sit on their hands and dont even offer to pay/split for expensive meals out with parents, or worse partners parents..This is not a situation where the OP has been insisting on paying, they have simply taken it as a given. You can love them and dislike the behaviour and ask for it to change, that's the normal ebb and flow of ANY relationship surely. Just because someone is your child doesn't mean you have to only think well of them, that's what would be sad. And very poor parenting.

But they can afford it - OP says that, and the kids probably know it. It's totally fair enough to say she wants to split - as I say, I think they should be proactively offering by now - but pretending they can't afford it doesn't seem a great way to do it to me.

Imagine as adult having so little generosity or self respect that you sit back and allow your mum to pay ever time you have dinner. Imagine never being sure if your adult children really want to go places with you and enjoy your company, or just want a freebie. How sad.