How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

It doesn’t matter whether other posters say they’d never expect their children to pay. It works both ways: I’d never expect my parents to pay for every meal out when I’m in my twenties, thirties, and so on! That is a bit expectant and rather tight to never think of treating your own parents or at least chipping in imo. I’d say that now they are earning a wage it’s time to start sharing the expenses and ask them to anticipate splitting bills now.

Clear it up before you go otherwise they may assume and not account for it.

Mine are mid twenties and both have partners. We usually pay for one meal . Eat in a couple times and split bill rest of time.

We earn about 85k both couples earn around 50k but they all live in our house and pay a nominal board so have way more spare cash than us!

Oh Jesus - so because your mums had ‘her time’ no one treats her.

Why don’t you actually treat her one time and see how she feels? Maybe insist?

Agreed.

I had a wonderful upbringing, but money was tight. When I was an adult and working as a teacher I couldn't have imagined allowing my parents to pay for everything. Their pension was so low that they paid no tax whatsoever. [I once had an aggressive teller querying why I was filling up the form that stated that my dad shouldn't be paying tax on his savings account. I finished up double-checking because she was so certain that he should be paying tax.]

Being a parent does not mean paying for your adult children all their lives I'm happy to do so! I spend most of my money on making sure my children have the food they like, the clothes they want to wear, and the meals out we all enjoy together. This is what I'm working so hard for all these bloody years. I don't intend to give them a trust fund, and they know in turn they need to work and to contribute. I was brought up by generous parents, and I am generous to the best of my ability. If I don't have it, I can't share it, if I have I do, it's that simple.

Love this approach. And yes say it beforehand.

I live away from family and when they visit me I always try to pay the majority of meals because they have paid so much to travel to me. Hopefully your DD sees it the same way!

@Oldcroneandthreewitches not at all, my mum was treated in her time, and she's financially able to treat her children in turn. It's just a different way of arranging finances. When she had less money we didn't go anywhere to eat out much. I don't decide where to go or how much to spend- she offers, we accept, she always makes it clear it's her treat.

In this instance, I think it's different as the cost of flights to NZ is very high and the time for going out is long- that's very different from the odd meal out, although we do eat takeaways or eat out a lot, I treat my family quite a bit too, probably twice a week.

Have you ever seen the sketch from Father Ted where Mrs Doyle and her friend start arguing over who should pay the bill and end up rolling on the floor fighting? It's kind of like that in our family...

I really don't think that was at all personal, or at least not derogatory. Genuinely, you mist lead a privileged life (and why not?) if you cant see that not everyone can afford to just treat indefinitely or without boundaries.

It's a bit short notice to suddenly decide this for this summer. They are adults, you won't be privy to all their outgoings. I'd raise it this year for next.

Definitely bring it up in advance, as if you have always paid, they are unlikely to have budgeted to (whether that’s right or not!). That gives them time to sort their finances out if necessary.

My parents paid for me until we were doing very well financially. Once we were in our current position, we always pay although my dad will sometimes refuse. I can’t imagine my husband EVER allowing our daughter to pay. I think he imagines funding her forever (she’s still only a tween before anyone jumps on me, this is definitely his perception not hers!).

We will certainly pay for as long as we are able, regardless of her future earnings. However that’s our choice and if you don’t want to, you’ve certainly done enough.

It absolutely clearly does bring my dad, in particular, some pleasure and pride to pay. Mum is more pragmatic about it and I manage to win the race to put down the debit card quicker when it's just me and her! As I said, I always offer to pay.

That's a good idea. We often go away with my I laws abd we just have a kitty for things like meals out abd grocery shopping. It saves trying to work out bills at the restaurant. Everyone puts in a few hundred pounds and we top up the kitty as and when needed.

I would go with this suggestion, unless one (or both) of your adult kids is a 'furry' as they may take the phrase 'should we kitty up' as a suggestion that the whole group should be wearing their cat outfits!

FyodorDForever · Today 12:28
gardenmusic · Today 10:48
MiddleagedBeachbum · Today 10:30
If I could afford it I’d always pay for
my children

They are not children. They are working adults

Even as a working adult, you are still your parent’s child.
My parents never stopped paying for me and my sister, even though we are in our 40s and married with kids.
Of course we sometimes invite them / insist to get the bill, but the default is them paying. My mum even tries to pay for my train ticket when I visit them (I decline obviously).

I would die of shame if I let two elderly people pay for me.
Being a parent does not mean paying for your adult children all their lives.

Since you've paid for years I think you need to have a conversation in advance. They will obviously expect you to do what you've always done so getting there and saying shall we split the bill will be a big surprise for them.

rightly or wrongly, entitled or not, should or should not blah blah blah - all irrelevant when we are talking realistically about the fact people generally expect things to be how they've always been unless they're told it's going to change.

So talk to them. Tell them that you're having to cut back a bit nowadays and are going to have to have separate cheques in future when you eat out together.

Unless you raised entitled nightmares, they'll likely go oh god yes of course, so sorry that we never offered, are you ok, how can we help...

Why are you being personal?
I have no idea why people get personal and unpleasant. Just discuss the issue.
You know absolutely nothing about me.

So no one treats your mum? Dont you think that’s a bit sad?

@MiddleagedBeachbum

why?! Let them treat you, I’m sure you deserve it!

My parents will pay for us, they're sneaky with it and go off and pay the bill when nobody is looking. We don't expect it or ask for it and we always offer to pay for ourselves (and would/have the ability to if they said yes).

We do pay for them, but it would be more for an occasion (or something smaller like coffee and cake) otherwise we wouldn't get away with it; I'd be battered to death with mums debit card if I protested too much.

I do think in this situation, though, a whole holiday of dinners, it's worth discussing. If you want things to be different, now's the time to speak up.

Those are my thoughts. They always want to pay, and give me treats, but I enjoy treating them still, because I can afford it. My son usually insists, which is fine, but I certainly don't expect it and don't consider any of them to be "freeloaders".

But the OP isn't insisting on it! They just assume that she'll pay. And the very fact that she is agonising about raising it with them indicates that it has never occurred to them to shift the dynamic (aka do the right thing).

You must be very fortunate to never have to have the grubby business of money pollute your relationship with your children. Most people do not have that luxury or an unlimited pot of money from which growing numbers of people can draw indefinitely - first adult children, then their partners then grandchildren in time.

@Oldcroneandthreewitches my children have had to care for me when I was sick, so don't joke. Being generous if you can afford it is a luxury and it's a lovely thing to do, don't diminish it.

All the posts that say ‘ I wouldn’t want to take that away from them’ ( parents paying for adult dc) - who treats your patents? Who takes them out?

Are your parents literally paying for your time?