How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

You must prepare them in advance for this though! It would be really unfair to spring this on them when you're there. Especially if they have gone expecting you guys to pay for everything.

@adultkidsquestion just tell them it's time to start splitting the bills when you go out. You could say it before you go or when you get there but you need to say it.

My thoughts exactly, and such negative connotations.

The entitlement on here reminds me of the time I took my Mum to the tip with me. (We were on the way somewhere, not a treat for her)
There was a notice saying 'Children must remain in the vehicle'
Right Mum, get that carpet on your 90 year old back.
(She would have, too.)

I’d be upfront and say that now they’re working adults, earning a decent wage you expect them to pitch in with the cost.

Everyone’s financial circumstances are different, and it’s fine just to say ‘hey guys, let’s split the bill this time, if that’s okay.’ (Assuming you haven’t chosen to book L’Enclume or similar.)

My parents and parents in law have always paid for us. I will always pay for my own kids. I love treating them, and as adults they’ll have more than enough bills to worry about. It’s not about being immature, or disrespectful. It’s just how things are done in our families (and we’d never, ever split a bill, that would be seen as peculiar.)

DH did once pay when we were out with DMIL. There was practically a wrestling match over the bill, she gave in and made him promise never to try it again.

I think the OP should raise the issue, once there!

If you want a certain family dynamic around money, you have to speak up and establish it.

I'm happy with ours, but others might want something quite different, I also agree the flights to NZ are expensive and sensible adult children would realise that and be planning to cook some lovely meals and do trips out for the parents.

She says she can afford it! That doesn't mean she has to pay, but it isn't privileged to assume that someone who says they can afford something can!

Why does it matter if parents pay for their kids ... why does it bother you ?

It’s embarrassing leeching of elderly parents. Maybe they feel they have to pay so youll keep spending time with them

Just tell them that meals out are to be shared from now on simples

I'm 40 and my mum and dad still pay for us at dinner, this is even when we all start fighting for the bill. I will be exactly the same with my kids. What ever I can afford I will do. If you can afford to pay why does it bother you ? I can see why it bothers your other half he's not their dad but as a mum I really don't get ppl who get so worked up at paying for their adult kids. I agree with @Seashor Don't go all out and and start sending them messages saying they need to pay their way.. it's no rude they probably plan on this anyway just mention a kitty instead it's much more polite.

I second suggesting a kitty for all the meals out, providing you dont have anyone who is a big drinker. When my parents and I go on holiday, we agree to put money in for food and alcohol is in individual expense (we dont drink, they are big drinkers). They normally pay for the last dinner out, and we normally pick the, up a lunch out.

TBH i dont like the dynamic of my parents paying for me, it makes me feel like they are still the ones in charge. I am 41, and can pay my own way and be just as generous back.

I honestly think Op that some people on here think that if you can’t go and pay for everyone and everything than you shouldn’t be going on this trip.

@LuckySantangelo35 my children are uni age. Both worked jobs since 14, for their own spending money. I don't want them to spend any on me though.

@Oldcroneandthreewitches I say 'I'll get this' and make a move, then she always firmly says no and so does her husband. I think it's rude to persist. Her pleasure in life is to bring us things, she brings things every week for her grandchildren even though they are over 18 (imagine that!) like little things they will eat, books they might like, she can't help it, she just loves sharing stuff.

I think it's fine to arrange finances completely differently than ours. I don't think it's intrinsically wrong though to do the 'parents pay' thing and that's our way.

If you can afford it I don’t understand why you wouldn’t.

I will pay for my DC as long as I can, my parents always paid for me and their parents for them.

These days we occasionally pay, sometimes split and more often our daughters pay. I wasn't keen on letting our daughters pay, they have children and mortgage etc but DH says to let it go as its a sign of the changing dynamic of them growing up and being adults and us coming to terms with it. I rationalise it a bit in that we don't expect anything for looking after the grandchildren as we love having them.

It may not have occurred to them that it was time to pay their way with mum but really they should be looking to pay for you.

@Alwaystimeforacupoftea

how old are your ‘children’?

I pay for my adult children, though in the last couple of years, they have started to beat me to the bill on occasion. They all earn 3 times what I do but they all have high rent/mortgage payments, and young families, whereas I have none of these and so have more disposable income.
I enjoy treating them as when they were little money was very tight and they didn't get that many treats.
I love their company and dining out, so it's a win-win. I would hate to think they refused to come to eat out with me because of cost or agreed to then regretted and had to cut back to afford it.

I surprised they won't want to host you for meals at their flat more - eating out every night is expensive no matter who is paying.

When my dad visits from abroad we usually host at ours a few nights and then on the last night he will pay for dinner in a restaurant. If we go to the pub we take turns to buy rounds. Same the other way when we visit him.

When we visit my mum she will always want to buy meals as she earns more and has paid off her mortgage so as a compromise I always pay for lunches out, or if we get a takeaway do it on our Deliveroo account so I can pay.

I think setting out expectations is a good idea, especially as you'll have paid so much to get there

There's also such a thing as a generous spirit- my grandma on one side was from a very poor background, and never had much money (my parents used to send her money as she needed it) but she always brought something for us, could be hand-made from her night class, something from the beach, just a tiny thing, she was so thoughtful and spend time with us playing cards and laughing at our jokes.

Paying to go to NZ is very generous and I think it's fine for the OP to then want to divide expenses when there.

You have no idea of what my life is like.
Don't make assumptions.
Please - leave me alone.

I would always offer to pay as would my partner if I was an earning adult rather than expecting my mum to foot the bill every time.

You shouldn’t really have to ask them (or their bloody partners!) but if you do I suggest rather than doing it gradually you go with the helpful suggestions on here.

lol some of you must be projecting here with your assumption that OP is absolutely minted and can easily afford to spend 7 thousand pounds on this trip and then hundreds of pounds on food and drink for her offspring and their spouses!

check your privilege folks!