How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

Do you have a genuinely good idea of their finances?

We stayed away from family when we were younger for a number of years. It led to us having house guests most months, often for several weeks back to back at Easter/summer/Christmas etc plus weekends.
We were not long married, young family, high rent, car payments, trying to save plus take our own DC on a short break each year.
Guests coming to us were ‘on holiday’ and big days out were often suggested and a few meals. We genuinely spent all our disposable income, including some we should have saved, to host, join in etc.

My in laws used to request certain dinners etc not realising they were retired, no mortgage, decent pensions and no bills at home for 3 months of the year between visiting us, BIL and holidays!

The fact you are visiting them is actually a bit more complicated I think, bearing in mind the existing dynamic. Because if you said, "right, we're all off to the greek isles, I've paid for the villa and happy to pay for food and drink we have here but let's agree to splt all food and drinks out" that would be a fairly natural process. It's a bit harder when you're going to visit them and, arguably, a lot of these meals out etc are not because they're on holiday but because YOU are on holiday, if that makes sense? Especially if you're all eating out a lot more than they would usually.

You could try saying something at the first meal out like, "Right, this one is definitely on us becuase it's our first meal. We can split the next one." as a way to set the tone.

I think it's a bit sad actually that your children haven't clocked they're adults now. With my parents, it's always been a bit of a mix who pays for what, when. But I have always liked being able to treat them sometimes - it feels like it it's more adult.

I’d give them 2 choices so it seems like they’re not just being told something and seems more tactful. I’d say

when we have meals out would you rather split the bill evenly or each pay for what we eat/drink? I’m happy either way

She’s spending 7k getting there! There’s no way I’d allow my mum to pay for me having spent all that money on flights!

It's ABSOLUTLEY FINE for OP not to want to pay for all meals out. She still loves her children

You can afford it and want to do it, so that's all fine.

If you're getting pressure from DH, and you want to change the paying for things; just say that they will need to factor in holiday expenses, such as meals & drinks out, food shopping, trips, etc.

In all honesty, they really should be offering to pay their way at this stage.

Wow. So you basically hardly see her anyway, and now don’t want to pay for her when you visit?

Actually I think if you're staying with them as their guests this is not the holiday to start a new dynamic

I would expect them to offer to pay given you are traveling to see them at great expense. Do you really not expect your DD to offer to pay for anything unless you raise it? This seems extraordinary.

Please do not surprise your adult kids with a change in expectation.

Please communicate well beforehand clearly.

While you are no doubt earning similar money, your disposable incomes will be vastly different with them needing to pay for housing and student loans etc.

That doesn’t mean you need to keep paying, but please I don’t assume life will be rosy for them and this will be easy to do without adjustments.

I’m not with you, for me, I always pay for mine and as long as I can afford it, I always will. I don’t want mine to spend their hard earned money on me, and I see it as my job to treat them.

stunned at the earlier poster who always has her kids pay for her.

Mine are 24 and 27 and I always pay for them when we’re out. Plus any partners or friends attending. Everyone is always fully appreciative.

I am going to New York with DD soon and have explained that if she (foodie) wants to eat at very expensive places, she will have to pick up the bill. Otherwise, I am happy to do so.

It is very hard for young people on low wages, paying exorbitant rents (London) and I simply enjoy treating them.

It seems like you are also happy to treat but your DH is kicking off about it?

I thought this too, but given OP is looking for advice on how to broach it with her own children I would guess the relationships are not as good as they could be between them all.

It's not mean!

It's about these adults stepping up and being decent human beings.

I think it's mean to insist on splitting the bill if you can afford to pay.
Talk to your children rather than send a message, ask if they are able to contribute and if so, would it be better for them to cover their own bills every time or for them to treat you sometimes etc. I don't think they should have to pay for your husband though. It will depend on their individual budgets. I presume they don't earn loads in their early 20s.

Did you pay for the holiday OP?

If I could easily afford it I'd continue to pay (and do, my eldest is 28). Whilst they may be earning they are at a very different life stage with things like house deposits, mortgages, student loans and any future plans for marriage/kids all ahead of them. I'd prefer they save their money for this kind of thing as much as possible. My eldest will offer to pay, and mean it, and is generous with gifts although I don't expect that.

I do understand the different perspective though that some think they should pay their way and ultimately it's each to their own. If the parents can't easily afford it then definitely the adult kids need to step up and pay for their own stuff.

Terrible that they don't offer given they are adults. I'd tell them beforehand. I'd say something like "I just wanted to let you know I won't be able to take the cost of the meals etc, so if we could pay for ourselves that would be great".

MiddleagedBeachbum · Today 10:30
If I could afford it I’d always pay for
my children

They are not children. They are working adults

Do be aware that their enthusiasm for holidays with you may dwindle if you're not paying for all the meals!

If it was me I'd probably try and move gradually from paying for all meals to splitting all meals, by suggesting we split some but I still pay for some too, so the balance gradually shifts rather than happens suddenly, which will be quite a shock and not what they were expecting.

For me it would also depend on not only their earning capacity but also their overall financial position eg are they trying to save to get on the housing ladder, are properties too expensive for them to buy in their area etc.

Ever since I started earning, and likewise all of my siblings, we have always paid or at least offered to pay our own way. My parents would often insist on getting the bill, but I always felt proud to be able to treat my parents. Your children come across as spoiled and entitled to be honest, to not even attempt to offer payment. It's quite juvenile.