How do I tactfully propose sharing the bill in restaurants?

Yes I know but I would still offer to pay for them as long as I can afford it.
If they have good jobs it would be nice if they offered to treat us and knowing DD she will but I won't be too bothered

It's hard, especially if you're the sort of person who likes to treat everyone anyway.

With ds1, I had a quiet word and said that I just couldn't afford to pay for him (and very often his girlfriend, too) all the time any more, so they'd have to chip in. He was rather embarrassed that he hadn't thought of it, apologised, and from then on has always either paid his way, or offered to (and either been refused, accepted or half-accepted.)

We're all going away on a big holiday next year and all costs are being divided exactly between us. I'll still pay for them sometimes, or will cover a big chunk (e.g car hire), because I like to, but generally it'll be shared.

I think it’s a tricky dynamic when kids go from being poor and semi-dependent, to financially independent.
A good friend of mine had her son living with her while he was a student, so obviously she let him live rent free, paid all bills, paid for his phone etc, just as she’d done when he was a teen. He then did a masters, still at home, still not earning more than casual job money, so he still lived rent free and bills paid. Then he got a job, and actually ended up earning more than my friend. But he still lived rent free etc. My friend didn’t mind as she could afford it, and it resolved itself anyway as a couple of years later he moved out and bought his own place (with the money he’d saved by having no bills to pay!). But I can see it would have been tricky to change things if my friend had wanted to.

They're working adults and should have been paying their own way long before now. The longer you keep paying for them the harder it will be to stop. Some of the suggestions about communicating the expectations sound helpful. Once they're working and in their own homes I don't see why a parent should be paying for them.

I'd casually mention it next time you are on the phone to your daughter. Simply say that you are planning your trip and were thinking about costs and that you would like to split costs when you go out. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this. Your daughter should have offered and her partner should have offered too.

We mostly pay for our adult kids when we go out in a big group but they regularly treat me. We can easily afford it though so it's not a problem. I really like the fact that they treat me though. If I go for a meal with just my daughters they will pay and I like that. It's the thought that they want to treat me that I like.

I have the opposite problem - since I earned well in my 20's and my father had died, my mother and sibling just expected me to always pay for them - that hasn't changed despite them both now having far more disposable income than me (young family, significant illness cutting salary fr years, London vs North, mortgaged, vs no mortgages etc) and I can tell you that it began to rankle a few years ago and as a result I see them less.

So my advice is to be clear as early as possible that you'd like to split all bills and then on occassion (at your discretion) you can pay for everyone, not just that it's assumed.

I would give them plenty of notice so they bring money etc.

I think paying for your kids meals and drinks no matter what would mean they would drink and eat a lot more than you are comfortable spending. So making them aware they have to contribute is important.

If they can afford it then they should pay something. Or pay for their own drinks at least!

Honestly this place is so batshit at times with responses like this.

If my parents flew out to spend time with me, and we couldn't host them there is no way in hell I'd let them pay for their own dinner out, let alone mine.

When you arrive in NZ you just say - the flight and accommodation have challenged the budget. Do you mind if we stay home and cook as we can't afford too many meals out? - we can take it in turns to cook, or you can come to us some nights? We're happy to treat you on our last night, but any other meals out can we split the cost?
Or something similar. Surely you are there to see the family rather than be bothered about eating out all the time.

What you do is irrelevant. OP has clearly stated she wants her adult children to pay their way, so she's asking for advice on how to go about that...

If you can afford it thrn I'd still pay but I would expect them to offer to buy things some of the time

We have 5 adult DCs plus partners, so 12 altogether when we eat out. All earn more than us. A typical bill is £800 per meal inc their bottles of wine and unlimited cocktails. When our youngest started work we just came out and suggested we pay for ourselves from now on, because two or three meals out means that Dad and I can’t afford a holiday this year. They were all absolutely fine with it. Sometimes they even treat us!

What? She is paying for flights and accommodation. Of course her daughter should pay for some meals out.

I think you should have mentioned this before booking to be honest, in case they could only afford to go on the basis you’re paying.

Maybe suggest a kitty for group meals out and everyone can get their own the rest of the time?

Although just a warning that if they’re paying for their own they may prefer to go off by themselves…

I would prefer an upfront method, before the bill arrives. That way everyone knows what to expect when the bill arrives, rather than only half of the people. It allows her and her partner to budget for it, if necessary. It will be clear that it’s something you and DH had planned it in advance, so why not loop in your daughter? I’d be a little put out if that were me, like people were talking behind my back and assumed I wouldn’t agree to something reasonable and felt they needed to spring it on me in the moment.

What’s wrong with saying now (when you’ve made the decision) that since it’s costing such a lot to travel to visit, it makes sense that bills for bars and restaurants are divided from now on?

Some good suggestions here but however you tackle it I'd do it sooner rather than later. Your children might be budgeting for this holiday assuming all meals are paid for so might need time to adjust that.

I absolutely do not let my parents pick up the bill, I'm really surprised yours don't even offer? Especially as you're traveling out to see them. So you're basically their guests. That's how we would see it. My parents would fight me on the bill but I'd ensure I paid it or did it sneakily whilst on the way to the toilet or whatever. Perhaps a culture difference. But they're your children, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around it, just a direct 'hey guys so this time we're expecting you to pay your own way when we go out please' and just pick up a tab or two whilst there but not all of time.

Sounds like a lot of people have raiser's entitled snowflakes.

Adults who earn well should pay their way.

Don't feel guilty about it OP

Well, you might change your tune when they're each earning £75,000 and you're on your pension and they still don't fucking offer to pay!

Hmm. I pay for my kids but they are younger and while one is full time employed it’s minimum wage. I think in the normal course of life and if it was once a month or so I’d still pay. But for a holiday (I’m on one now and know how much is adds up) I’d definitely expect them to contribute. But agree warn in advance! I’d say just that; you are expecting they will pay their share of expenses. I’ve just read they have partners and you pay for them too - ouch. It’s about time they started acting like the adults they are. You won’t appear ‘mean’. If there’s comeback shame on them!

Wow. So you basically hardly see her anyway, and now don’t want to pay for her when you visit?

How about they hardly ever see their mum, and should treat her?

Same here.
DD is almost 20 now and we pay for both her and her BF, although they are at Uni and only work very part time.
Her BF usually offers and often buys us a drink or similar and for me thats the point, if it was taken for granted I might mind but they never assume and always thank us so I am Ok with it