To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

I often hear people say "beyond the pale" - just because no-one you know uses it doesn't make it an odd outdated phrase. Maybe the people you work with have a rather limited vocabulary.

You sound like a very judgemental person to me. And funnily enough, the majority of people have voted that YABU - and yet you still insist you are right.

You sound like a silly little girl - and your new "friend" would be better off without you in her life.

And I was at my adult height by thirteen, and looked exactly the same from ages sixteen to twenty-two. I’ve got two pictures of me in the same clothes at those ages and the only thing that looks different is my hair.

Lots of sixteen-year-olds don’t look any different from women 18+.

Totally agree. When I was 16, I was at university. A year later I met my future DH who was a few years older than me. I guess that's what happens when you are put into a pool of people whose ages are much wider ranging than a school classroom. I was never exploited and never liked men my age anyway. They were immature and silly.

I think this is a ridiculous thing to be scandalized by. Two post-pubertal young people at or over the age of consent started a relationship, which apparently turned out well for them. No one was anyone’s teacher or authority figure. I don’t see a problem here.

I’m 38, FWIW.

So WHAT if you did it? If your parents, grandparents, cousins did it? So what if 'it was OK back-in-the-day'? LOTS of things were 'ok back-in-the-day' that are outright illegal now!

Lots of you are talking about a time when it was illegal to be gay, ok to rape your wife, fine too exclude someone based on their race & yes, for men to exploit young girls in both sex & marriage. Exploit!!

@Caerulea I hate to break it to you, but there's absolutely nothing illegal going on with a 16 year old and 20 year old. As much as you may hate it, the age of consent is 16, not 22!

They could well both have been in full time education. Both whingeing about teachers/lecturers/tutors being mean to them and not getting their work handed in on time.

Ridiculous post, given the growing number of 20-somethings also still living at home with Mummy and Daddy and/or relying on the bank of mum and dad.

I've always found males my own age (probably until my mid-30s at least) quite immature, and unattractive because of that. I always preferred a man a few years older just because they were more mature. Teenage boys were a bit silly. Certainly by the later teens, it comes down to individuals and who they fit with best.

OP, if it's icky for a 20 year old to find a 16 year old attractive, because the 16 year old is a child, why is it totally fine for a 16 or 17 year old to find that same 16 year old attractive? After all, the 16 year old has the same personality, the same body, the same life experiences.

It's not harmless innocent fumbling just because they're close in age - especially not these days given how much pressure teenage boys put in teenage girls to have anal sex (not much of an improvement on the 80s, that, if you're looking for 'grim').

Shouldn't you be just as concerned about any couple you meet who got together when the woman was only 16, because that means the dp/dh is someone who managed to find a 16 year old child attractive?

If on the other hand it's not the 16 year old being fundamentally not grown up enough for sex that's the issue, but rather it's all about maturity and manipulation and potential power differentials, then the 20 year old young man from this couple wasn't fundamentally 'icky' for fancying a child but was just potentially (and not necessarily) taking advantage of a power differential based on them being older. But then surely you've read enough examples now in this thread to know that it's not inevitable for a relationship with that age gap to be predatory?

I think you need to make up your mind. If a 16 year old girl is a child then she shouldn't be having sex full stop and any boy or man who wants to do that is 'icky', whatever their age. We should increase the age of consent. But if you're not arguing that the age of consent should be increased, and you're saying that of course 16 year old girls can have sex, the issue is different life experiences only, and power differentials, then I don't think you can be black and white about it because life experiences and power differentials are not black and white.

A 20 year sleeping with and being sexually attracted to a 16 year old is gross.

I'm sure neither of the involved parties find each other gross, and fortunately that's all that matters.

My friend met her DH when she was 16 and he was 25. She lied about her age for a good while. 20 years on his family still call her by the nickname 'jailbait'. Vile.

By whose morals, yours?
I don't get why people are so uptight about this age gap thing.
Nobody is breaking the laws and nobody is asking your opinion.
So butt out

It's actually none of your bloody, judgemental business!!

Yes, all of this is true - but I was pointing out that it is not infantilising to treat a 16yo like a 16yo.

At 16 I had left home and was living independently in a flat share with a f/t job

Dh at 23 had just left education and was living at home and had a f/t job

We were definitely on the same level. If anything I think I probably had more idea of what life can throw at you at 16 than him even at 60.

Looking round at friends I would struggle to find any who had as low as a 4 year age gap between them and their spouses

Even those who got married at 16. Only one married a lad who was only a couple of years older

The others married 21 and 25 year olds

There didn’t seem to be that much of a difference

You do get some, though - especially when the 40+ man is wealthy or famous.

Mostly, when it happens, I see a lot of red flags that make me suspect exploitation; but I am just a dinosaur who doesn't want to credit a 16yo with having full adult agency.

Jesus Christ, stop tagging me and quoting me. You’re utterly obsessed.

I said upthread I will not explain my point to you any further. Get. A. Life.

At some point we have to draw a line under at what age people can make decisions about relationships and sex… the law puts this at 16, im sure many of you would like to raise it to 40- but alas we cannot and dont need to police ever facet of human behaviour. Hand wringing about 16yr olds having sex is a bit much.

Complete overreaction. Absolutely ludicrous.

My gran and great gran, were 4-6 years younger than their husbands. They were 17-18 and the husbands were 21-22. Big deal. Were married til one of them died. Had 3 children each and lots of grandchildren and great-grandchildren!

Get a grip @AvrilAprill

According to @AnnaL94 16 year olds having relationships with 20 year olds is "gross". But once they turn 18 it's a free for all and completely fine for them to have relationships with 30, 40, 50 and 60 year olds.

The law says at 16 you have capacity to make decisions about relationships and sex - the age of consent is not 25, nor should it be.
A 16 year old girl can have a bad relationship with a 17year old, as much as they can have a respectful relationship with a 20year old.

I've absolutely no idea when we developmentally became on the same level. I do know that I personally wasn't a child at 16. I had left home, had a full time job, was paying my own bills and getting drunk down the 051 at weekends.

Part of growing up is developing your own agency, at 16 it becomes appropriate to have relationships, - the same as at 5 you could brush your own teeth, at 12 it becomes appropriate to catch the bus on your own or whatever. It’s not just a case of they’re a “child”.
Now at 16, they may have relationships to navigate and this is part of development appropriate for the age in life- otherwise what you going to do, lock them up and make them play with toys, cos heaven forbid they might go out and have sex or something wild.
There seems to be a trend at the moment for pathologising or criminalising what is totally normal human behaviour.

So if you believe that a 16yo who is mature and knows her own mind should be let alone and not infantilised, as she goes forth and starts having relationships, presumably you would have no issue if she began a sexual relationship with a man who was 20, or 40, or 60?

Realistically a 16 year old is vanishingly unlikely to find 40+ year olds attractive.

... It isn't treating a 16yo as though they were 9, just because you are not treating them as though they were 25.