To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

Ah, MN, don't ever change with your complete inability to see nuance and shades of grey. Keep hoiking those judgy pants. Everything and everyone is either reasonable or unreasonable, right or wrong.

Sometimes, a 20 year old dating a 16 year old may be a problem, sometimes it won't. Not all 20 year olds are grooming, and not all of them would have any interest in anyone younger. Some 16 year olds are children, some aren't. The legal minimum age for marriage was only raised to 18 from 16 last year in the UK.

Given that he was 20 or 21, history there is a bit vague, maybe she was closer to 17, maybe he was only just 20. Maybe she was the younger sister of a friend, and they had actually known each other for years. It is always sex that gets people pissy about young relationships, but maybe that wasn't their highest priority. Not all of us were jumping into bed the moment we met someone in our teens.

I do think it depends. My friend aged 16/17 dated a man in his early 20s, she's always been incredibly mature and no nonsense for her age, they knew each other for several months before starting a relationship, and when they split up after 5 years she dated someone much older than her again, for about 12 years. It would have been v weird for me to date a 20yo at that age however as I was quite immature in comparison.

However another friend at the same age (17) dated someone in his mid 30s... That was definitely wrong!

Exactly. A 19 year old asked me out when I was 16. I didn’t end up with him because he wasn’t quite my type, but he was very kind and respectful.
Not sure why a horny and rude idiot is more appropriate and safe just because he’s 16.

A good advert for not dating someone equally immature and stupid at 16, surely? Why are so many people apparently comfortable with their 16-year old daughters being mauled by 16-year old boys whose only experience to date is an inappropriate porn habit, but horrified by the idea of a 20-year old being attracted to a 16-year old? A paedophile is not going to find someone a mere 4 years younger than them attractive, as there is little discernible physical difference between a 16-year old girl and a 20-year old girl, and often little discernible difference in their behaviour, as most 20/21 year olds I know are still pretty immature.

Being predatory isn't related to someone being older then their partner . Being predatory is in someone's character. Two ppl can fall for each other at the said ages (I'm not talking about anyone younger then 15 or 16) and want to be together and it doesn't mean one party is being predatory. That said older partners do need to take responsibility if the person they are dating are below the age of consent or at the age of consent but are vulnerable in anyway. We must not tarnish everyone but we must not turn a blind eye either.

I feel like there are a lot of assumptions on this thread.

Did he groom or actively pursue 16 year old girls? If so very worrying.

Did they work together, or meet on a night out, or get introduced, and just hit it off and have lots in common, realising the age gap once there was already an attraction?

I don't think you can say that all 16 year olds are immature and childish at all.

I don't think you can assume that he didn't treat her with the utmost respect.

And ultimately they were right - now happily married with children.

Incredible that people are hand wringing and making unpleasant assumptions about a couple who an anonymous op has mentioned on here in the briefest of terms. I think some people could get angry about anything.

As someone with a dd who is hugely more mature than the b/fs she has dated, even at 16. I wish this ridiculous way of thinking wasn’t around

I feel that none of her relationships last because her life experience (even at 16) was far more varied and she is far more mature than any boy she might have as a b/f who is only 4 years older than her

For a start none of them know how to drive
so it is her running them around like she is their mother

Even her work put her in charge of 30 staff at 17. Some of whom a university degree to learn the job she was doing

She also has her own business or 3

If I were to choose a b/f for dd I would be looking initially at someone at least 10 years older than her who has a driving licence, car and their own business.

I have always have thought this. Even when she was 16 and no longer a school girl

But why is it grim in the context of a couple with this age gap who have been together a long time, are now adults and your friends? You would seriously stop being friends with someone over this?

I think you've nailed it here. Just reading some of the posts on here about parental intervention makes me wonder how on earth these youngsters can ever grow into well rounded adults
As a section leader in a large supermarket chain, we employed quite a few 17/18 years old, we had parents ringing up saying that their son/daughter has been spoken to about elongated lunch breaks, spending 40 minutes in the tiolet etc, wanting the next 3 weekends off etc. and wanting apologies for upsetting their little precious.
"But he/she is only 17"
Jesus christ talk about infuriating!!

saraclara,lot of sense,thank god! When I was at secondary school,we all fancied one of our teachers,he was really good looking, but very strict, not very nice. One of the girls in our class became his CA on leaving school. They did go on to marry,very happy almost 5O years later. I got pregnant at 18 (he was a month younger!!) got married,he was manager of a shop in London at 19, I had an amazing well paid job there. At 20 we had a mortgage, and I did my nursing training. We were definitely a lot more mature then. My second DH is 7 years younger than me. I met him at work,no idea how old each of us was. His B said it wasn't right. Well, just coming up to our silver wedding anniversary! My late DM was several years older than my late father, his DM was several years older than his F, no-one batted an eyelid.

It's not "grim". She could be yr12, he could be second year university.
The age gap between teachers and students isn't completely about the age gap, it's about the professional relationship.

A school girl with a final year uni student (potentially same age as trainee teachers or TA'S in school). Yep, that's grim. I'm surprised so many people would be comfortable with that. My parents had a two year gap when they met (my mum was 15) and that led to a teenage pregnancy at 16 and all the shit of someone who had kids not wanting them as she didn't appreciate the impact nor think of what else she could do. This four plus year age gap (a quarter of the life of the 16 year old) is not great until theyre at similar life stages, similar footing.

I wouldn't be delighted, I'd be keeping a careful eye on her (and him) but I wouldn't automatically leap to "he must be a paedophile" either.

And a few years down the line, when they are happily married with children, I don't see why anybody, least of all a "friend" would be judging them for meeting at those ages.

Quite. It's clearly worked out well for this couple and does not appear to have been problematic. Nor "grim".

Well in my case, he didn't seem immature to me at the time and we were around the same 'level'. I would have probably found a mature older man boring. He was fun, outgoing, kind and goodlooking. He had a steady job but wasn't particularly ambitious - he was more about enjoying life. But he wasn't a slacker, had own house and car. He was social and popular. Loved his mum and dad and went to see them often. No vices that I was aware of. He wasn't particularly deep. If we'd stayed together long term I would have probably outgrown him.

He's not "a man in his twenties" the information we have is 20/21.
Is there evidence of grooming? Is she vulnerable? Otherwise not a problem.

You are being weird...you must have a lot of time on your hands to care.

Have you actually read the thread?

It's not about a teenage girl, it's about a grown up couple who have school age kids.

You would serious question this out of concern for teenage girls?

Thank you! Having being part of a thread recently that discussed this, for some reason, some women are really reluctant to admit this. They were also reluctant to accept that girls and boys needed seperate talks about consent. I would be interested to know why. It certainly is a difficult time to be a teenage girl/young woman right now and I would most definitely be wary of such a gap at these ages these days. I doubt you will get a response though sadly.

It's interesting how you NEVER seem to hear about a woman aged 20+ getting together with a 14/15/16yo boy

Isn't it just?

I feel ever more sorry for teenage girls as I read the responses on here. The concerns of a girl this age being involved with a man in his 20s are huge but everyone is keen to brush then under the carpet and pretend that this is completely normal. It really isn't.

Why has this turned into a discussion about safeguarding and teenagers today?

Yes if my 16 year old daughter got a 21 year old boyfriend I would certainly be concerned about the age gap, at least until I knew him and his intentions. Her actual boyfriend is a few months older, and they both got bullied at school for getting together when he is in the year above 🙄

Yet I am also able to hold this fact in my mind and have never once thought to judge the age gap of mature friends' relationships.

It's interesting how you NEVER seem to hear about a woman aged 20+ getting together with a 14/15/16yo boy.

Err, yes, it does happen. Not to me, but I know someone who had an older girlfriend at 15.
I really don’t see the issue with 16 and 20 unless you base it solely on numbers. Surely it depends on the personalities of those involved and on how mature they are?
I had a friend at secondary school in the nineties who was 14 when she started going out with a 17-year-old. They‘d met in church, everything was pretty much above board for several years and her parents very much approved of the relationship.
She eventually broke up with him when she was about 18 because she wanted to date other men and found her boyfriend and the whole relationship too nice and innocent.
She also said she was the one who initiated any physical proximity in their relationship, but some mumsnetters would probably still call her boyfriend a creep 🤷‍♀️

Most 20 year olds don’t want to date or even hang out with a 16 year old imo. The developmental gap is pretty large. One is a child and one is an adult

This.

She is 16 and legally old enough to have sex with an adult, She's also old enough to see a doctor and get contraception or an abortion without her parents' consent. She's old enough to leave home, again, without her parents' consent or leave school and start her working life if she wants to do so. 18 may be the "adult age" for drinking, but in reality, 16 is the age young women have real independence.

He's 20 y.o.and only 4 years older than her. If he was 30 I would understand your post. But he's not.

You keep talking about being a different generation. But from your lack of understanding what being 16 means in the life of a young girl today, I seriously doubt it.