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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

706 replies

AvrilAprill · 07/07/2024 23:17

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

OP posts:
CatrionaBalfour · 08/07/2024 17:58

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:56

That's exactly my point! 20 years ago or more 16 year olds had full time jobs. Left home. (I did). Went down the pub without ID.

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Sorry, Olivia, I misunderstood. You're right.

LakeTiticaca · 08/07/2024 17:57

This is mumsnet. Mumsnet law decrees you must never date anyone with a greater age gap than 6 months either way.
Anything higher or lower than this will earn you the label of kiddy fiddler/granny grabber
Be warned ⚠️

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:56

CatrionaBalfour · 08/07/2024 17:52

@CaptainOliviaBenson - and how old do you think this couple are that the OP so disapproves of? They must have got together at least 20 years ago. It wasn't yesterday.

That's exactly my point! 20 years ago or more 16 year olds had full time jobs. Left home. (I did). Went down the pub without ID.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:54

AnnaL94 · 08/07/2024 15:51

Typical Mumsnet. Not believing the OP 😂

A 20 year old man being sexually attracted to a 16 year old is disgusting.

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I don't understand this. It's FOUR YEARS! The 16 year old is of age! Unless the 20 year old is their teacher (highly unlikely) it's no different to a 17 year old and a 21 year old, or an 18 year old and a 22 year old!

CatrionaBalfour · 08/07/2024 17:52

@CaptainOliviaBenson - and how old do you think this couple are that the OP so disapproves of? They must have got together at least 20 years ago. It wasn't yesterday.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:51

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 08/07/2024 00:56

If a man in his 20s (or older) is interested sexually in a 16yo girl, it does make you wonder if he would be disgusted at the idea of a 15yo, or 14, or maybe 13. Where would his cut-off be?

It's a completely different dynamic from two children aged 16/17 who have arrived at that certain stage of development at the same time.

Is a 24 year old being sexually interested in a 20 year old disgusting? A 23 year old and a 19 year old? 22 year old and an 18 year old? How about a 50 year old and a 46 year old? 😑

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:48

HolyPeaches · 08/07/2024 00:47

I think it’s weird.

16 year olds are either in school doing their GCSE’s or have left school within the past year. They can’t drive. They can’t legally purchase alcohol or go in nightclubs. They’ve only been teenagers for 3 years.

A 20 year old could be in the final year of university or working a full time job. They will have more life experience compared to a 16 year old. Actually the more I think about it the more creepy it seems for a 20 year old to be sexually attracted to a 16 year old.

I think age gaps are fine when both people are over 18. But an adult and a school pupil. Absolutely not 🤢🤮

Again that's now! 20, 30 40+ years ago people started adulthood a lot earlier. Kids left school at 14 and 15, went to the pub at 14, 15.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:46

Caerulea · 08/07/2024 00:41

My jaw has dropped further & further reading these replies! Who ARE you people? 'oh but she's legal now', how very The Sun.

A 20yo has no business being with a 16yo whichever way round it is. Christ it's vile! The latter is still in school ffs.

OP - I'd not change my relationship with her/them based on it, though, assuming they are both adults (WHICH 16 WASN'T!!) & their relationship is healthy.

I wasn't still in school when I was 16! My parents left school when they were 14. Depends on their generation, doesn't it?

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:40

AvrilAprill · 08/07/2024 00:38

I think I’m talking to the wrong generation or people that are defensive, because it’s weird for a 20 or 21 year old to be dating a girl in secondary school.

It wasn’t that long ago that online and in news that there were articles about Billie Eilish’s controversial relationship because she was 21 and he was 31 and they’d known each other when she was 15.

OP can you not see the difference in a 4-year age gap and a 10-year age gap? Confused

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:38

Ponoka7 · 08/07/2024 00:11

It depends on their age now. In the 80/90's ID wasn't needed, so life experience at those ages would have been similar, we were drinking in pubs from 14/15. In a lot of girls cases, were they'd been helping their Mum etc run the house/babysit and had learnt about the importance of budgeting, they could actually be a lot more mature than the 20 year old lad. There was an age difference between me and my DH and I know we were judged by some, but I was honestly old enough at 16 (1984) to leave my parents house and set up home. We were different than today.

This! I was going clubbing and getting stonking drunk from 14/15 onwards. Worked in a bar at 15.

radiatorbed · 08/07/2024 17:36

Caerulea · 08/07/2024 17:27

OP didn't do that, it's been done in the thread. We even had a lovely story about a 14yo & a 27yo living happily ever after🤮

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Bloody hell I missed that one!

radiatorbed · 08/07/2024 17:36

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 08/07/2024 17:33

No, ignorant and closed minded words.

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One of the most ridiculous posts I have ever seen on MN and there is stiff competition.

So smart, mature teenage girls are 'ignorant and closed minded' for not wanting the attentions of (at least) socially inadequate or (at worst) predatory 20 something year old men?

Ok then...

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 08/07/2024 17:33

radiatorbed · 08/07/2024 17:11

A mature 16 year old realises that 21 year old men interested in them are weird for being interested in them. That's real maturity

Wise words.

No, ignorant and closed minded words.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 08/07/2024 17:33

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/07/2024 23:21

Yeah, that’s grim.

Why? I was 16 when I met my husband, he was 20. Been together for 30 years.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 08/07/2024 17:32

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/07/2024 23:21

Yeah, that’s grim.

Don't be so ridiculous. Pearls are expensive y'know. Unclench the death grip.

Caerulea · 08/07/2024 17:27

Windchiming · 08/07/2024 16:14

Agreed. Questiom was friend 16 and her partner 20 when they met, now OP is comparing with couples meeting at 15 and 25. Op is a busybody.

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OP didn't do that, it's been done in the thread. We even had a lovely story about a 14yo & a 27yo living happily ever after🤮

radiatorbed · 08/07/2024 17:11

A mature 16 year old realises that 21 year old men interested in them are weird for being interested in them. That's real maturity

Wise words.

PCController2 · 08/07/2024 16:37

The age gap might be a little unusual these days but it's no big deal, only 4 years.

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2024 16:35

I had a 22yo boyfriend when I was 17. He was, and still is, a lovely man, not some kind of predator. He'd never had a girlfriend before. We're no longer together, but not because of the age gap.

It really isn't your place to judge anyway, you sound like you need to focus on other things in your life instead of getting bothered by something so... irrelevant to you.

Windchiming · 08/07/2024 16:14

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2024 12:20

So you're not getting the right answers?

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Agreed. Questiom was friend 16 and her partner 20 when they met, now OP is comparing with couples meeting at 15 and 25. Op is a busybody.

betterangels · 08/07/2024 15:55

AnnaL94 · 08/07/2024 15:51

Typical Mumsnet. Not believing the OP 😂

A 20 year old man being sexually attracted to a 16 year old is disgusting.

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On this thread he's,disgusting, on so many others he'd be described as hardly an adult, his brain isn't developed, and it would be unreasonable to expect any kind of mature decisions and behaviour from him.

AnnaL94 · 08/07/2024 15:51

LordPercyPercy · 08/07/2024 11:07

Nothing of what you said has any relevance to what I said.

I don't actually believe your "friends" exist, btw. I think you made the scenario up as a talking point to tell people how old, outdated and disgusting they are.

Typical Mumsnet. Not believing the OP 😂

A 20 year old man being sexually attracted to a 16 year old is disgusting.

Moonlightdust · 08/07/2024 14:38

Rosscameasdoody · 08/07/2024 00:13

Oh dear. I was 17 and my husband was 25 when we started dating. He was my first and only boyfriend - a good man and a kind and caring husband for forty years until he died six years ago. We were inseparable almost from the start and didn’t think anything of the age gap - neither did our parents. How times change !!

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Yes times have definitely changed. 23 years ago I met my husband when I was 16 (I admit I pretended I was older) and he was 22 (and very young for his age). We married when I was 20. Nobody batted an eyelid. I was very determined and knew I’d found the person I wanted to be with. Had 3 children and are still married!
In all honesty, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my daughter was in a similar situation at 16, but I think that’s unfair to judge people’s relationships and hold that against them! I’d be so upset if someone thought that of me 😢

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 08/07/2024 14:24

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 08/07/2024 12:43

And they made the news, as you say.

Of course, it does happen; but I think we can see the way that the wind usually tends to blow - in real life, and just from people's experiences as recounted on this thread.

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So it's not NEVER as you tried to so boldly claim and as my post was disputing

FWIW the case at my school didn't make the papers BTW, they don't all

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/07/2024 14:23

You sound very weird.