Would you leave someone who wouldn't buy a home with you?

Please buy your own place and move into it. I don’t think trust is the issue here. He won’t think you’ll do this, so it will either shock him into a reaction or end the relationship - but then you can find someone better who wants the same commitment as you.

Don't do this

How old are you OP? Do you want kids? I know this is about houses but if he won't commit to this not going to be a good bet on children.

4 years is long enough for him to know, he isn't seeing this as a 'long term' relationship as he's not future planning, sorry OP x

Start looking at what you can buy alone and when you’ve found some to view let him know that’s what you’re doing and see what reaction you get. Either it’ll make him reassess and realise he wants to buy with you or it won’t - either way you’ll have your answer on his level of commitment and will end up a homeowner either single or joint at the end of it.

So you have been together for 4 years and when you mentioned his mate getting engaged he laughed nervously and changed subject.... and he doesn't want to buy with you.
Sounds like he isn't sure about you.

If I were in this position, I’d be more concerned with the absence of an engagement than the absence of a mortgage, TBH. And if I were in this position, I would start looking for a property to buy on my own. I wouldn’t let his indecision prevent me from getting my foot on the housing ladder.

Don't get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy. Get out now and find someone who does want to be with you and commit. Don't waste any more of your valuable time with this person. Life is too short.

You need to talk to him and be ready to break it up.

It doesn't sound like you want the same things

Have you had a proper conversation about how you want to buy a house together or get married?

It isn't a joke. He just wants different things from you. That's perfectly ok but you both need to be clear what you want, so you can walk away and find what you are looking for elsewhere.

Time to move on as he’s just waiting until someone better comes along.

I don't think it's a joke. Many people are uninterested in progressing to marriage and kids. That is not a character flaw.

If you want something more, it sounds as though you will have to seek it elsewhere.

If he really, truly wanted to be with you forever, you'd know. As it is, you are the placeholder. And I'm sure I'm not telling you something that you didn't already know. It's up to you what you choose to do with this information. My advice would be to walk.

If you won't treat yourself with respect then he won't. Leave him, buy yourself a house, and move forward with your life. You might meet someone else, you might not, but you'll still be building your own security.

If you stay with him then when he meets 'the one' he'll leave you, so there's no positives to staying, it'll just hurt more when he leaves.

@Anotherdayanotherpizza I hung on for 23 years with someone who wouldn't commit. Waste of a life. Be with someone who wants to be with you and doesn't make you feel shit

OP, you deserve better. You’re the holding pattern and that’s not ok.

DP might not be able to stay with anyone long term or he might marry someone else in 5 minutes.

You really can get a man who wants to marry you. Start looking.

I wouldn't hesitate to bin him.
Seeing as it's late now........ he'd be gone tomorrow.

I was married and had a baby 3 years after meeting DH. If you want a family you need to put your cards on the table and see what he's saying.

Everything I've seen amongst family and friends leads me to believe that if a man doesn't want to commit within a few years, then you aren't the person he wants to be with forever. He'll stay with you and happily kill time with you, but he's not thinking you are the love of his life! I think we all know men who were with their long term partner for donkeys years, never married, then split up and married the new woman after 5 minutes.

I'd throw this one back in the sea and find a man who actually wants to build a future with you.

I just think wanting a casual arrangement after 4 years is an absolute joke tbh.

It is if it's not what you want. Rip off the plaster OP. You don't want to be lamenting this in another 10 years time.

Personally I feel like it depends entirely on the situation. I myself own my own home, but after a 12 year marriage which was highly toxic and abusive and almost losing the family home, that I now own, due to my ex and his behaviour I would never own a home with anyone ever again.

I am in a new relationship and we have discussed the future and how that may look in term of living arrangements and I have been clear that I will not jointly own a home with him. He is welcome to move in with me and I would consider it our home even without him having no legal ownership, but I would not have him or any other person on the mortgage with me.

The same goes for marriage. I love my partner very much but have been clear that I will never want to get married. He has never been married but it isn't something that bothers him anyway thankfully.

Xenia ....OP wants a committed partner not a lodger !