Is modern parenting damaging to kids?

The kids of the 80s are the ones who are running the world now.

We did put thought into parenting, we knew that in the world outside, life isn't fair and that nothing we could do would make it 'fair'. They had to learn to live in the world as it is, not as how we would want it to be. (and that's not all bad - your precious first (or second, third etc) does not deserve more than anyone else, and life isn't fair.

The ones that are making it are the ones that had some autonomy, AND some responsiblility AND some belief that no one was 'always on their side'.

True some bullies made it too, but the overprotected ones never did

It is so so sad that you, and others like you, are hobbling your children.

Overprotecting kids makes them more vulnerable and less able to cope as adults

My daughter was playing out the front at 6/7 and upwards. She's an only child.

When she came and told tales I would say 'oh well, I think it's time to come in then'

She would say 'doesn't matter' she'd eventually sort her own problems out

My parents weren't the "it's not happening" type
More the "if so and so stuck her head in the oven and turned the gas on would you"

Point taken..

My memories of kids in the 80s/90s was that they were basically feral and never listened to. There was very little thought put into parenting.

I'm in agreement with you on this.

Truth be my DS had kids in this era and they were incredibly off the rails, when out on the streets and in school, started about the age of 10/11.
Never bothered her as long as they weren't under her feet giving her gip as she'd say, was of the 'anything for a quiet life' type, but as in a lot with her attitude her quiet life was her neighbours nightmares

One grew up on the wrong side of the law, no stranger to a stay at HM's pleasure, the other has kids of their own by various partners and what's incredibly sad is with the teen ones you can see history repeating itself before your eyes.

He seems to be drawn to Victorian discipline, however forcing good behaviour through fear only works temporarily and wont build strong morals as an adult. My job as a parent is to enable my kids to reflect and develop a sound moral compass.

Idk, I basically had the 'perfect' childhood. I was 'playing out' for hours with my little sister and other children on our street from about age 7. We never left the street but had plenty of independent adventures. With cousins and family friends, we had regular days out and holidays where we roamed all over the countryside on our own, playing in rivers, forests etc. My mum didn't work and was around for us whenever we needed her. I had 2 parents in a loving marriage who set strong boundaries. My grandparents were very strict but loving. I was taught to respect adults. I wasn't allowed a playstation/gameboy etc, didn't have a computer with internet at home till I was 15 and didn't have a phone till I was nearly 17. I played dolls, sylvanians, playmobil etc all the time with my sister until I was 12! I was a huge bookworm and had loads of artistic and active hobbies and activities. I can't really think of much my family could have done 'better'.

But I was self harming before I left primary school, anorexic by 14 and a socially anxious mess by 16.

So I get all the arguments against 'modern childhood' and their lack of freedom does make me sad. But I'm not convinced that being a free range, tech free child is the key to happiness. I don't know what is. I'm kind of glad I don't have children to try and keep from breaking!!

@whyhavetheygotsomany I'm baffled - you think children are anxious because we are not shaming an hurting them or leaving them to be killed in traffic or home accidents?

I taught a class of 7 year olds recently, where the pshe lesson called for them to choose their 'top worry' from a long list. They did it anonymously, but 90% said 'mental health'. Over things like 'nobody to play with'. Where are young children picking up the language of depression, anxiety and diagnosing themselves with adhd?

They are never allowed to feel discomfort or hear the word no. Parents tell me a spelling test is 'affecting her mental health' and 'causing anxiety.' I don't think school is more damaging. I think kids are taught that they can't cope with normal challenges and difficulties.

@Rainbowsponge Not at all.

Being outside is absolutely vital to children - for their vision, for building their muscles, understanding the world,

But it needs supervision - accidents will happen, but there has to be some management of risks (including helping the children to learn to do this)

Our children need play and lots of it - not on computer games, but with each other, on their own and occasionally with us.

Parents need to be supported to develop positive skills in parenting, especially those of us who had poor role models from our own parents.

Children are people who are in progress - we need to understand their development and how we communicate, support and lead them.

Authorative parenting is what we aim for - parents make it clear where the boundaries are in society through firm, kind communication and through role modelling.

It would be helpful if all adults in society showed our children and young people the right way to behave.

Yes, it is important for children to be bored. That's when they make up their own games, they use logic and decision making skills. Or they read a book (also lacking in lots of primary aged children's day!)

So we can all live long lives sitting on computer games then?

I don't think that's what that poster is saying at all. I think you know that.

My memories of kids in thd 80s/90s was that they were basically feral and never listened to. There was very little thought put into parenting.

If you use the knowledge available now, give age appropriate supervision that encourages independence, have boundaries but not smack your kids, listen and give choices where possible. gave a mix of outdoorsy stuff and screens etc, then your kids will likely do well.

Extremes either way are never good.

We have loosely followed 'the Danish parenting' way since DD1 (now 16) was around 8 and for DD2 (7) since birth. They are both NT. DH and I are both fairly laid back as parents - we don't use physical punishment EVER but I am a shouter.

DD2 is happy and loves being outdoors. She loves imaginative play, board games, being present and until about 6 month ago wasn't really interested in screens. We notice a change in her behaviour when she's played too much roblox or watched a lot of YouTube.

DD1 is pretty much a moody teenager- an international phenomenon! She's been lucky to have good mental health and a lot of emotional resilience.

I work in the education field and I would say that 25-40% of primary children have poor parenting - it directly impacts behaviour in the classroom. I'm not sure about the link with SEN and parenting though- for the most part the SEN parents I have met are some of the best parents and absolutely committed to their children accessing as much of the curriculum as possible.

His theory is that we are interrupting normal development opportunities for kids brains, and therefore they’re not properly developing. He thinks we intervene too much in perfectly ordinary learning opportunities, like playground disagreements, and our quest to make sure our children never feel challenged or upset is actually making them more anxious.

Back in the day on mn there'd be numerous posts about allowing children at various ages to go and do something on their own. There would be one brigade that said yes let them and another saying no. Often the "no" would counter argue that not allowing them didn't stunt their growth and they could learn these things later at age 16 etc no harm would come. The "yes" agreed that they need to be left alone to learn how to cope, know where to find help etc

Ive read similar today in the news about anxiety and allowing children to actually play out, do things for themselves.

I do think that todays 20s are 3 or 4 generations ago teens in maturity. Im not sure that the anxiety and mental health is connected or not though

We are told we need to constantly stimulate our children. In reality I think most children are over stimulated.

The irony in this post !!!!!! This is exactly why kids are anxious these days.

Life gets harder for many as you become middle aged. At this age you often have parents who need care or they have died. Health issues can start, especially if you have smoked and drunk too much. Lots of men who live unhealthy lives get heart issues at this age. People in ordinary jobs start getting side lined about this age and seen as too old. Lots of people have teenagers at this age with the more complex issues they can bring. And if your life is missing key things you wanted such as a partner or children or a well paid job, you know you are unlikely now to achieve this.
This is also the generation that grew up during Thatcher and in disadvantaged areas left school into record unemployment levels.

That's a really interesting point. Could it be something to do with mothers bringing up their babies until school age as it was done in the past. These days kids are brought up by nurseries or minders. Could be something In that

Ah yes that wonderful free range childhood from the past - where children were killed or seriously injured in traffic at a massive rate (12,478 in 1979 to 1,980 in 2013 - down 84 per cent) despite less traffic

All that wonderful childhood independence where children were left alone to die or be permanently harmed through accidents in the home - burns, scalds, strangulation, electrocution

As well as the constant brutality from poor parenting and also at school which left adults with long term mental health concerns - see Nicky Campbell, Earl Spencer and quite frankly the majority of people who were beaten and humiliated as children to control them through fear and shame.

I think people have a rose tinted view of the past. It was pretty crap from what I remember as a child.

Parents barely parented, didn't give a toot about your development and slapped you silly for no good reason other than they were having a bad day and you'd looked at them wrong.

We are better parents now. We're not perfect but it would be great if we focused on developing skills as parents rather than looking back to a past that I think is best forgotten.

I think there's some middle ground.

I had a very tough childhood with harsh punishments, was outside from morning til night with friends and it made me a very anxious child. As a young adult, I played everything very safe as I had no safety net and the fear of failing and having no help was dreadful.

My kids have had a lovely childhood, with age appropriate supervision and boundaries but not we were fairly soft parents. My children behaved because they respected and liked us and saw we were fair and reasonable. I think that has helped them become confident and independent as they've got older. They're not afraid to try new things because they know we're here if needed and they can come to us with anything.

Totally agree with this. I regularly have to explain to student that being nervous about an exam or talking/ presenting in front of your tutorial group is normal. That some butterflies before a big moment is OK and transient and part of your bodies normal stress response.

Before I get jumped on for ignoring kids with actual anxiety disorders I am a neuroscientist who studies and understands the difference between a stress response to a short term stressor like an exam vs an anxiety disorder.

Well @BodyKeepingScore I would argue that there are just different problems now. Not that everything was great in the 'good old days'.

It's so much deeper than that though. Genuinely read "The Anxious Generation" as has been mentioned previously on this thread, the startling change in teenagers mental health since 2010s has been well documented and this book gives a really shocking insight into the reasons why, and the stats around it.