Is modern parenting damaging to kids?

@Riversideandrelax yes, it was actually a fairly common occurrence in my halls for students to be taken to hospital with alcohol poisoning or alcohol related injuries.

Yes this. The issues were always there, probably worse. We just didn’t diagnose it. We all drank, smoked weed, I had friends who self harmed or had eating disorders..but no one was diagnosed with anxiety.

Yes I agree with you. I think that some kids who have experienced adversity learn to cover up what they’re feeling as it’s not safe to express to their caregivers… then it has no outlet.

It can be so protective to a child to have someone to talk to about how they feel and I think there is evidence that mental health outcomes for children who’ve experienced trauma and had someone that they can talk to about it are better than for those who haven’t been able to talk about what happened.

I think that someone put it well on here earlier, that children need clear boundaries and expectations (to feel safe) combined with warmth, acceptance and love, without shame. It’s a hard balance to strike, especially with so much conflicting advice around.

I think of a good boss actually! Someone who has clear expectations of me and who is valuing and supportive and not punitive. Why would it be so different for kids?

Saying all that, I agree that social media and other factors mentioned also play a part

Now, a lot of the very bad parenting doesn't happen as much.

I suppose if you rely on the front pages of newspapers as a barometer of how much bad parenting is happening, then you might draw this conclusion, but if you talk to anyone who works in child protection you might come to another conclusion ?

My eldest is 17. At that age I was drinking heavily and almost every day. My DS has never touched alcohol. And I'm glad of it.

I work in hospitality and the behaviour I see on a daily basis from middle aged people is shocking. For the most part these adults are not products of modern parenting so i'm not sure where the problem lies.

And it's probably the same for me. Some really unideal things happened in my childhood. It's funny because I've got friends who grew up with two loving parents in stable nuclear families who really struggle with anxiety now, whereas on paper it ought to be me not them.

But a lot of those things are from my unstable childhood I would ever emulate as a parent. So how do I give my son resilience whilst also tying to give him a stable home life?

But then again if I forgot mine the teachers dealt with it without informing my parents!

You do get parents that won't except that their DC can be rude or misbehave in school.

I can remember the school phoning my DM when I'd pushed the boundary in class once and asking her to collect me.

Did she go in making excuses for me..No, she didn't bother going in at all.

Her reply was.
"Why are you phoning me, when xxxxx misbehaves at home I don't phone the school and send her to you I deal with it in which way I feel needs be, so feel free to deal with the situation as you feel fit"

Although I wasn't overly naughty at school, and never rude to a teacher or member of staff it was just the done thing years ago that parents let teachers do their job and that included dishing out discipline where needed.

If I told my parents I'd been in told off for doing xyz I'd have had another telling off from them.

Ah, right! That's how I say it to mine. I just say I have to parent you in the way I think is right for you and so and sos parents have to do the same.

Agreed.

But the thing is that there are generations of toxic parents who've dumped their unresolved issues on their children.

I think that modern parenting seeks to not make children responsible for their parent's feelings which can only be good.

Also, generation Z don't get pissed all the time like my peers did when I was at uni.

I completely agree lots of this happening when I was a teen too.

I still do the above except I don't say it in a telling off way, I just say it nicely.

@Riversideandrelax I wasn't told off, it was more in a 'I am in charge and that's just how it is' kind of way.

I feel like this happens a lot with schools and some parents too that an issue is made out of things that don't need to be issues and so conflict is created when no conflict is needed.

For example the almost zero tolerance on DC ever being off sick. Unfortunately, my DD has Long COVID and on top of this she catches everything, gets it more seriously than most and then can be left with post viral fatigue. Sadly, I cannot cure her of this. So yes, sometimes she misses school. But I get it in the neck! My GP told me to just ignore them, but it is very hard when you are being lectured by some ignorant person from the LA!

I’m always a bit sceptical about this. Just because things were not given a name or diagnosis doesn’t mean they weren’t there. And teens didn’t cope that well. I remember loads of self harm, anorexia, drinking, drug taking etc. I don’t think we were that resilient really.

@Thedayb4youcame no worries. It read as a completely genuine question IMO

I really appreciate your reply, thank you. Thank you also for reading my question in the spirit it was intended.

@Thedayb4youcame largely it's because men chose more "violent" and therefore successful methods. Women are much more likely to use methods such as overdose which are more likely to fail. I do believe that the vast majority of people who attempt to end their lives fully mean to not survive.

My personal theory is that the nursery and school systems are too much too young. Overwhelming for younger babies and children and school is complete sensory overload and too overwhelming for some children. I personally prefer to not work as well so that I can home educate but I appreciate that lifestyle isn’t for everyone and I respect that and just expressing a different approach as my eldest two dc became quite unwell when we did nursery from a young age and both working so I changed it

Yup people thought I was resilient.

Often adversity toughens up kids and they're "wise beyond their years"

But I'm finding it also can unravel years later when these coping mechanisms don't work.

Not sure it's to be aspire to.

Genuine question then, are the female suicide attempts some sort of cry for help as opposed to wanting to end their lives, or is it that they are less successful at it? I can't word this question tactfully, I am so sorry.

I still do the above except I don't say it in a telling off way, I just say it nicely.

@Montydone successful suicides occur at a higher rate in men than women. Women, however are three times more likely to attempt suicide than men.

It’s really hard in those situations. Especially when you can feel judging eyes in you. It makes it so much worse. I’ve been in similar situations. Sometimes I spot it early and can prevent it, sometimes I’m great at broken record - ‘I know you want that but you can’t have it’ rinse repeat until it stops, sometimes I have in for a quiet life and sometimes I lost my cool. Mostly I did ok but if you’d caught me on a bad day your judgy hat would have been firmly on.

I think most kids will work through most unserious issues on their own, but schools have targets so we measure and pathologise everything.