Is modern parenting damaging to kids?

I feel the same so many young children so behind in development. Children not meeting basic milestones such as walking, talking and potty training. I find schools similar they don’t seem as educated in reading . It’s certainly a worry

No they are not my employee but they do need to fit into society. The argument that if a child refuses to get ready then the consequence is that they are late doesn't work on a week day.

If I am an hour late to work and miss the lecture I was supposed to give to 200 students because my 4 yo didn't feel like getting dressed this morning then damn straight I would be in trouble and repeating this would put my job at risk and therefore my child's home and financial security. This is not a level of power that should be given to a 4 yo.

The argument that if a teenager doesn't need to clean their room is fine untill the food and other crap they have in their room leads to mice in the house which extends beyond the child.

My job as a parent is to make my children well rounded independent adults who understand a degree of responsibility.
Yes this is first done through helping, guiding and showing the way. Start small and build is my approach with my kids so the 18 month old and 4 year old help clear the table, they help clear up the toys and the 12 yo has age appropriate chores that he needs to complete to get his pocket money.

The 4 yo is now responsible for putting away a puzzle himself to keep all the pieces together. I do advocate picking you battles and knowing what a child is capable of. I am not a dictator in my house

However the morning example is one where there is no choice. I need to get to work and you need to go to nursery so yes you need to put your shoes on now and we are going. I anticipate getting dressed is an argument sometimes so we do this first with the rest of the family so he has time for play. However the going is not up for discussion or debate mostly because I can't afford not to work.

Helpful, thank you.

I try to ignore the judgey stares in public (especially public transport) as I really don't want to rely on screens when out.

Children are not your employees to order around as you wish. Your role is to nurture them, work with them, and provide guidance when needed. However, providing guidance should be about mentoring, not controlling.
Do you advocate for conducting performance reviews or monitoring key performance indicators and then dismissing them just because they didn't do exactly as you said?

We should not judge other people's parenting styles. My parents were strict with me when I was younger, but now I thank them from the bottom of my heart.
Exceptions here are emotional and physical abuse.

My dc used to get freebies on flights, they were invited to see the cockpit and I was told that my dc were so polite that they had to let me know.
This isn't meant to be a smug post or anything because I swear, the only thing my Dc did was say "yes please" and "thank you" when offered food and drinks. That's it.
They were pretty well behaved too because they had excellent choice of movies and games onboard. And they were over 5 so able to be entertained easily.

It was just surprising to me as it really didn't take much for airline staff to be impressed.

Manners and kindness, acknowledgment of small interactions are important.

Our society doesn't function well without us demonstrating the above.

Our children are the next generation of adults and we need to guide them and explain why these small mannerisms and kindnesses are important.

@WellwellwellInever yeah and the people who don't say please and thank you at least are considered rude

No we don’t. That’s not the norm in the UK. Some people do and some don’t.

@Piggiesinblankets I agree. If you do not take risks in life, you miss out on a lot.

I've just enrolled my 3 year old at forest school to use knives and fires and a lot of my extended family think I'm joking.

I ask my children "how are we going to do this? " not don't do this. My 1 year old twins were on an age 6 plus playground today.

I'm not perfect. I have many a parenting fkaw but I believe that risk taking, being outdoors and limited screen's are key to development. Along with sleep, good nutritional food and lots of opportunities. Be allowed to fail too. Nicely, let them figure things out. They suppose you.

Who cares, we are here in the U.K and we do say please and thank you, we do smile at strangers.

We lived overseas as expats for a bit and one of the things that struck me was how confident and resilient most of the expat teens were- lots of them moved every 2 to 3 years and that builds a lot of resilience (as does seeing your parents do it- there is heaps of confidence in knowing you can move somewhere and start a new life). Most of them were not very free range either, so it wasn't that. But they weren't protected from the challenge of a new school, language, friends.

Of course some of them found it very difficult as well.

The Starmers were very clear they would not put the children in the public eye. They don't even share their names publicly. That wasn't about the kids' confidence. Thankfully we are moving to expect less in the way of performative happy families from politicians.

They may not say do x or else but it is implied. By that I mean if I dont do my job I will get pulled up on a disciplinary. If I repeatedly don't do my job because I don't feel like it I get fired.

The problem is if the child is asked and says no and then there is no consequence then it is not reflective of real life.

@Missamyp lots of low paid staff are treated exactly in that way.

This is because of the way the parent is applying the structure. "Me parent-do as I say or else." People claim they're preparing them for work. I'm not sure any workplace has this type of attitude.
If they value what you're saying, they are more likely to join in. Separate the objective from the subjective task. Imagine "clean your room or else." I'm not sure that's in the motivational manual of how to work in a team.

@Missamyp I agree micromanaging is not okay. But I see that exasperation from parents on here trying to get their children to go to school, to brush their teeth, to get their child to sit in the car seat - just every day essential things.

That is because so many parents are exasperating their children with hyper-micromanagement. Teenagers especially need space to breathe, not to be put under a microscope of prison guard-style parenting. My way or the highway.
Even play is micromanaged or organised.
Odd.

@RosieAway Of course neither is better. But lots of parents have no idea how to get their child to do what they need to do without one of them. You see it on here all the time. I tell them to do x and they say no, I can't make them.

I really don’t think you can always know if you’re “remotely traumatised” or not. Trauma comes out in all sorts of ways. I know being smacked really scared me as a child and made me afraid of my mum, I felt a huge amount of shame without knowing why what I did was wrong. There is a school of thought that it’s less impactful than psychological abuse, but surely it’s best to use neither

Prison has a lot of abused and neglected people in it, but it also has people who have been neglected through having no boundaries placed on them. We have all met the decent people with an out of control teenager who is cocky and thinks they can do what they want.
I remember when long term research controversially identified that those at risk of ending up in prison, could be identified by the time they were 4 years old. Nothing is inevitable, with intervention things may be able to be changed. But the out of control, angry and difficult 4 year old who hits and bites other kids, is way more likely to become the young adult in prison.

Risk factors for offending behaviour are12:

• Individual factors, such as hyperactivity, ADHD, low intelligence, impulsivity, and poor problem solving skills.
• Family factors, such as child abuse, neglect, poor supervision, and parental conflict.
• Social factors, such as peer pressure, school failure, gang involvement, and neighbourhood disadvantage.
• The Big Four, which are anti-social attitudes, anti-social associates, history of anti-social behaviour, and anti-social personality pattern.

What gets called benign neglect these days i.e. letting children play outside without adult supervision is not the same as overall poor supervision. I grew up in a very rough area, but my parents kept a very close eye on who we were friends with and discouraged and encouraged certain friendships. We also had an early curfew and early bedtime.

I think children are born with traits such as a tendency to anxiety. But how they are parented and their environment can exacerbate or help them to manage that anxiety. I also think too much introspection on feelings can have a negative impact on mental health.

Great post, fwiw my guess is you probably are a very good parent because you are self reflective and capable of seeing the way you parent isn’t necessarily ideal all the time. I come from a similar type of family to the one you described, my parents did their best but one thing I struggled with was if my parents were negligent, or were cruel or mocking out of lack of control of their own emotions they often acted as though they thought that was the very best way to parent. Whatever they chose to do must be the best, or what they thought at the time was best because otherwise they wouldn’t have done it.

This was difficult, because some of their choices made me feel very sad and alienated. Rather than seeing that and changing their approach they “blamed” me and my personality. Because of this I am now very wary of building up an image of myself as an excellent parent with my children as i remember how vicious people can be when you challenge that self concept in them, even accidentally as a child.

It’s such a great point that the prisons aren’t filled with gently parented people. You can be successful if you had a hard time growing up, but you can definitely be very successful if you had all the support and protection a gentle parent provides.

I’m not sure you can judge Starmer’s kids confidence on them not doing the walk-in. It seems very sensible given the flack that Blair’s kids took in the media- Euan Blair became a media figure in and of himself as a teen which can’t have been easy. Teens in Downing Street can’t be easy at all. Sunak’s children were never going to be in as long- it was inevitable he was a stop gap and the press haven’t really gone for them. There would similarly be less interest in Hunt’s. Starmer’s kids on the other hand could very easily be generating tabloid headlines for normal teenage behaviour if they’re not protected.