Advice on MIL

Phone calls and trips go both ways.

How many times do you or your partner call her or visit her? I am guessing few and none respectively. The tone of your post may give a clue as to why she doesn't contact you perhaps.

I’d just be thankful. If she’s the DARVO type, this is the ideal situation.

This is so weird, why wouldn’t you go to see her if she’s had such a hard time of it?
travelling goes both ways.
Anyway, id send the invite, it’s up to her if she comes or not.

I'd do this. Once. Then leave the ball in her court.

She might come, she might not. Try not to care either way. Bottom line is, "Her, and my partner have a very superficial relationship" and that superficiality carries over into anything to do with him - which is you and your children. She's not interested, and nothing you can do or say will make a blind bit of difference.

I don't wait for an invitation to see my inlaws. I message and say either "we're in your town on X date, are you available?" or "we thought we'd come and visit on a Saturday, do X Y Z work for you?".

I agree that your DP should be dealing with this.

What is her relationship like with your two other children? Maybe she just isn’t that keen and prefers her peace and quiet.

She’s your husband’s mum, leave it to him to have any conversation with her.

Why haven't you visited her? What support did either of you give her in the aftermath of her husband's and sister's death or when her partner suffered what sounds like a life-changing fall? She may not want to put herself out for people who do not sound like they've put themselves out for her...

Hang on … why have you not travelled to see her?

You’re now going to start sending arsey messages yet you’ve not even travelled to see her?

Fo you not see the hypocrisy?

Id invite her. You don't know the exact circumstances of the friend's visit. Have your partner do the inviting.

Just drop the rope.

this is the crux of it
I feel upset by this, and feel whats all the point of trying as she clearly thinks god knows what about us.

what is the point in trying? Leave her off.

your kids are already at zero with her, it really makes no difference if you don’t see her much.

@bumblebeedee I'd approach it really nicely and just say "I noticed you visited , does that mean you feel ready to come and see for her first birthday?" Whatever the reply, accept it and move forward. Xx

My grandmother never visited. She lost her husband and I presume he was always the one that took her places.

It was difficult for her on her own, and she was a different generation.
she was elderly and we visited her. My parents would throw me and my other 2 siblings in the car and do the 6-8 hour drive to stay/ visit. She wasn’t a particularly ‘warm person’ that was her personality, but we loved her regardless because she was our grandma . I’m grateful my parents took her to see her because I have wonderful memories with her and of visiting.

a lot of your post, OP seems to be looking at how it affects you and how you feel, but you’re not the only one in the picture, there are more than 2 sides to the story, and regardless of how long you’ve been with your partner, you don’t know the history. I also see zero mention of you visiting her in the aftermath of her husband and sister dying + new partner having a fall. I’m sure some familial support at that time would have been helpful. Perhaps you did visit, but there’s no mention in your post.

if I were you, I’d think about what you want for your kids- do you want them to have fond memories of their grandmother ? Do you want to set a precedent/ be a role model for how they should treat elderly members of the family?

My FIL/MIL didn’t meet my children until they were 6 and 4. That was only because we went to see them after 6.5 years and clearly they weren’t making the effort!! Not even a video call in that time. Their loss, not yours.

Can you not visit her .
maybe her new partner is controlling
you need to find out she is ok

I'd stop asking her, she clearly does not want to visit you.

My husband's parents moved 6 hours away when I was pregnant. My mother in law came to visit when my son was a few weeks old (it was a nightmare). Both parents then came down and stayed in a hotel when my son was 13 months old. Slightly less stressful visit. That was the last time I saw them and it is now 12 years later. My son is nearly 13 years old and they haven't seen him in person since he was 13 months old. They now live even further away. About 8 or 9 hours. Doesn't bother us at all. They are old and have their own lives. We just get on with it. We text, speak on the phone and video call occasionally.

You say her relationship with your partner is “superficial “ so I’d leave it.

Shes not really interested in her grandchildren and they will have never known her so won’t miss her at all.

I’d just leave it, you are not stopping her seeing them but for whatever reason she doesn’t want to.

Do you ever visit her? I'd go see her to introduce baby.?

She's out of her comfort zone. She clearly doesn't like visiting you without someone else which you've acknowledged.
She's had multiple bereavements and I imagine her confidence is low.
You haven't visited her.

Doesnt sound like you've made any effort to make her feel wanted other than one invitation?
If she just sit there when she does visit, again, she just feels out of place probably which is understandable because she is!

Why push it when she’s clearly not interested? Let your dh do this if he wants as it’s his Mother.

Leave it, she's not your mother - let your dh message her if he wants to

My PILs are like this - do everything and anything they can for their daughter’s children who live close by to them but coming down to visit us and spend time with their son’s children is way too much effort. Their house is also the filthiest, most cluttered, house I have ever stepped foot in so travelling up to see them is out of the question. Think dog faeces on their carpet - that kind of filth. Quite simply - I have no desire to have anything to do with them ever again!

Honestly - enjoy your lovely little family and try to forget about MIL. Are your parents closer to you? If so, your daughter will hopefully have lots to do with them growing up and MIL simply won’t matter.

Thankfully my parents have been wonderful grandparents to my children which I am so grateful for.

My MIL has never visited our house once despite being invited and only living an hour abd a half away. We've been here 7 years. She's not been once. I had my 3rd child in January and she's not met her yet.
I will be taking the baby to see her at some point out of duty..
But I haven't rushed to this time because she seems disinterested.. and honestly I can't be bothered with it if she can't.
Sometimes people can be like this
It's sad but it's their loss. I feel like if or when I have grandchildren I'd prioritise getting to see them regularly (if that was OK with the parents obviously)
I can't understand these grabdparents who don't seem remotely interested.
However for the sake of your child who deserves to at least meet their grandparents if possible.. I'd go and visit her. She's clearly not going to visit you. It's sad that's not a priority to her but your child should see their grandparent every now and then so I guess it's down to you to sort that if she won't.

You don't visit her either. The roads go both ways, you know. Her son clearly doesn't care. She could be thinking very similar things about you.

Leave her alone because nothing you say would make any difference.