12 year old won't go anywhere or do anything unless forced.

I would have a panic attack if I spent the day in my pjs!! I can't even stsy in bed when I'm sick. That's rather telling isn't it.....

It really is. You're modelling quite an unhealthy way of dealing with your stuff, NEVER SLOW DOWN. That must be exhausting to watch. The way to get close to children is to be interested in what they are interested in. Not to try to mould them into mini-versions of you.

In my case I had to be very interesting in exotic pets for YEARS, including handling them with a smile. Be happy yours is PJs, not snakes and spiders.

Op, similar here. Will pm you tomorrow if you don’t mind.

This.

Then work out what he likes and get him to do that. Our rule is you don't have to do X but you can't not do anything. Maybe he needs a Nerd Herd and D&D/nerd stuff not sporty outdoorsy stuff.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you can set really good boundaries and rules now rather than battle with him as a teenager.
Active teens also seem to be happier teens.

It’s not much screen time for a 12 year old - mine plays Xbox and chats to friends and plays fortnite or similar with them.

It’s a funny age to be honest - can you say to ask a friend to go with you to places as well if you can afford it? Is he able to meet up with friends under his own steam by walking/ cycling? Mine would spend all day in bed tbh - I can usually coax him out with food 😁

I have a 12 year old ds. We don’t limit screen time beyond telling him he has to come off at 9pm for a shower and relax before bed at 10pm. He has a group of about 6/7 friends and they all play Xbox online together - it’s a very social thing. They’re not allowed to add or talk to strangers but they’re all playing games together and talking and laughing. I’m feeling your screen time restrictions are too much and I’m getting the feeling your ds might actually be feeling excluded from social stuff and a bit lonely. This is how 12 plus kids socialise now.

Having said that; Ds knows he can’t just stay home all the time. Today for example we’ve been into the nearest city, walked round some botanical gardens, had a pizza express etc. We try and get out everyday even if just a walk locally. The pay off for this is I don’t nag him over screen time. We’ve not long been home and he’s back online chatting to friends again.

Reading and drawing are amazing hobbies that can last a lifetime. Not that exercise and socialising aren't important too, but perhaps show an interest in the hobbies he is naturally drawn to as well.

Why not go to his level & spend a day in your pjs too, share films, popcorn, games and whatever. Show him he matters and stop forcing your ideas on him. He needs you to spend time doing mundane simple things with him to build confidence and connection. 12 is fucking hard, so help him.

So he wasn't hanging around the house moping as originally said - he was reading and drawing.
Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe he wants more time with his dad. Get his dad to prioritise him a bit and take him out

I'm in two minds.

Yes, getting out and about is good for people.

But at his age I was never happier than when in my room reading a book.

Some people just aren't the "I need to get out and socialise every single day" type and I'm not sure making him go out will help.

My son's nearly 12 and has no interest in doing any extra curricular activities. We've tried to encourage it but he has no interest. He certainly wouldn't go to a sports camp or anything similar.
We're quite relaxed. We make sure he has fresh air and exercise (despite the moaning) but then he's allowed on his gadgets. We don't time him. If we feel he's been gaming for too long we simply get him doing a different activity - eg. Let's make pancakes! Let's play cards! Or something.
I think you're too strict with him. 30 minutes gaming a day at 12 is quite harsh.

Same - my 14yr old is very much a homebody. He has good friends and they enjoy stuff out and about when it is planned but generally prefer to game online with each other and they Whatsapp a video call together as they play.

He does play football so does that twice a week and has signed up for DoE for yr 10 but other than that he likes being at home. I let him crack on - would rather that than hear about him being a PITA hanging round the streets!

I read a really good article about letting them be themselves, rather than judging by your own standards - I am much more sociable and love being out but he is is own person and I have to respect that!

Dh not great for keeping an eye when I'm not here so I have parental control on my phone to lock it.

I find remote parental control from my phone to be hit and miss. Worth checking his screen time history on his devices just to be sure

I do think 12 is a tricky age. Many kids feel a bit unsure of themselves and sometimes it’s easier to hunker down at home than stick their neck out and be social. Then they come out of it.

It depends if he actually ends up enjoying whatever he was forced to do.
I had to force mine to do stuff and they always ended up enjoying it. I'd even remind them next time that they always enjoy it but I still had to force them

I say carry on op. Kids are too sedentary these days and this ends up causing issues later. Getting out and about can help deal with stress, anxiety and low mood as well as keeping them physically healthy.
Too much gaming stops so many other interests but what about giving longer on weekends, maybe taking away a weekday session and adding it on at weekends.
Mine had none on school nights and were fine with it. They did have 2 hrs on Friday and Saturday though.

I actually think you limit on gadgets is too much. He probably doesn't want to socialise because he can't talk about the things other kids talk about. Which is on the devices! I would extend the time he can use it

I would keep shoving him out to be active, but also allow him more gaming time once he has done a reasonable amount of physical and social activity. Not many years until it will be down to him to make his own choices, but for now I would not let sport become something other people do.

I'd leave him to it.

I hardly left my bedroom at that age for about 2 years. I played solo dungeons and dragons and ate cream crackers.

I got a bike when I was 16 and rode it for 15 years, played loads of sport and danced twice a week.

He probably just wants alone time - I did. It was fine and it made me happy.
I'd have been mortified if my mum had dragged me to brownies and other 'enforced activities' at 12!

I was never expected to do out of school activities. I wanted to chill out after a long day at school. I went to girls brigade once a week till I was about 13 and that was it. Plenty of exercise as most kids walked everywhere back then.
I never forced my kids ( all in their 30s now)
to join anything either, I let them do it off their own back. Football club, army cadets .
I read a lot on MN about all these expectations of kids, must be a new thing.Iy never used to be so intense

I'd not feel much like doing anything if I was so controlled, either. He can't talk about games, can't talk about TV, can't talk about music, any cultural references, hasn't seen examples of things to do, how to interact, couldn't be himself at Scouts because you insisted on monitoring him there. What has he actually got to share with somebody of his own age?