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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

168 replies

Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 10:24

I don't want to make my 7 year old daughter spend time with her father, who repeatedly strangled her and who (along with his wife) constantly put me down to her. She hates him and every time she sees him, she is very upset afterwards. I don't know what exactly they are doing to make her unhappy other than the obvious.

However, I don't really have any choice due to the incredibly messed up court system. In fact, I am at risk of losing her if we go to court because her dad claims she doesn't want to see him because I have alienated her from him. Apparently courts believe these things.

I already act like it's good for her to be with her dad and I don't say anything negative about him.

What else can I do?

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 07/07/2024 11:33

Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:30

@cupcaske123 I didn't pursue his abuse of me through any formal channels, I just left. But abuse of the mother is considered irrelevant to child abuse by the same perpetrator anyway.

I meant regarding your daughter.

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:32

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He was investigated. With only the word of a child as evidence, they made the decision that it was unlikely to be a winner in court. My ex flatly denied any wrongdoing whatsoever and he's a very convincing liar.

OP posts:
sevsal · 07/07/2024 11:30

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Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:30

@cupcaske123 I didn't pursue his abuse of me through any formal channels, I just left. But abuse of the mother is considered irrelevant to child abuse by the same perpetrator anyway.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 07/07/2024 11:29

Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:25

There's no physical evidence of the strangulation. My ex is far too devious for that. It's just my child's word.

@sevsal with no physical evidence and a victim who doesn't want to give a formal statement against the aggressor, there's little the police can do

I'm guessing there's no history of abuse either.

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:29

@sevsal the police made it sound like it was her choice...to me and to her father. (Though the father is telling everyone that they didn't act because it didn't really happen)

OP posts:
sevsal · 07/07/2024 11:27

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Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:25

There's no physical evidence of the strangulation. My ex is far too devious for that. It's just my child's word.

@sevsal with no physical evidence and a victim who doesn't want to give a formal statement against the aggressor, there's little the police can do

OP posts:
Allthislovelygreen · 07/07/2024 11:23

Strangulation is surely attempted murder? I also agree with the moonlight flit. I'd rather me and my child were homeless than send her without me to his house

Cantaloupes · 07/07/2024 11:19

Do you have evidence of him attempting to strangle your daughter?

I have been through Court and CAFCASS several times with an abusive ex and agree they won't act, especially if no photographic evidence of physical abuse.

But strangulation is obviously very very serious so surely you have proof of this to prevent to Court??

I would be stopping contact immediately if anything like this had happened and use photos in Court as proof.

sevsal · 07/07/2024 11:15

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gamerchick · 07/07/2024 11:12

Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 10:48

Contact is not court ordered at this point. But I have read extensively on this and my solicitors are very clear that the court may find in favour of my ex in any proceedings and that I must be seen to be supporting their relationship.

We are actually scheduled to do mediation soon and I am considering taking a very strong position in that.

Get another solicitor and let him take it to court. Document everything.

I wouldn't take any notice of what 'may' happen when my ex is strangling my childm

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:12

@Willyoujustbequiet maybe I should consider Charlotte Proudman. I don't want to lose all my personal wealth but I do need to protect my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:11

@Bridgertonned thank you. My ex's mum is very nice and I communicate with her sometimes. I had a photo board for her before including her dad's family - it got dismantled in a move. Maybe I can reinstate it.

OP posts:
Bridgertonned · 07/07/2024 11:10

Ps sorry crossposted with your post about a therapist that sounds like a good idea (assuming it's at the level for a 7yr old which is likely to be more play based)

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/07/2024 11:10

My heart goes out to you OP. I know a lot of women in a similar position. The family court isn't fit for purpose and father's rights trump those of abuse victims.

I don't know your circumstances but could you try and engage Charlotte Proudman? I think she would be your best shot.

Bridgertonned · 07/07/2024 11:08

Op are you in touch with anyone in the paternal family at all? I'm not condoning the situation you're in at all btw just trying to think creatively. Wondered if you could encourage relationships in the paternal family, eg with grandparents or anyone else who might see your daughter during the time she's with her dad? If you absolutely have to send her I wonder if there are any safe people around?
Not for them to pick sides or report back or anything, but it may help her feel less isolated and dad's behaviour may change if there are more eyes on him, as it were?

The other things you can do that are 'low risk' but show that you're not alienating her is to talk factually about her dad and her paternal family, eg making a photo book of who they are and telling her about them, eg who does she look like, what does dad/stepmum/aunty do, what their hobbies are etc. You can do that without lying to her (eg telling her daddy is a good person, you just don't make any judgements like that - you keep it more neutral) Things like that go a long way with cafcass if it does end up in court.

The other thing id do and I suspect you already are, is keep encouraging her that her feelings are valid, and that she can talk to you. Even better if there is another trusted adult you can encourage her to have a relationship with (eg is there someone in school?) so that she has the environment and the words to speak up if anything else happens.

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:08

Cerialkiller · 07/07/2024 10:40

I have read ops other threads. She can't withhold her daughter or she risks losing her as the courts believe the father. It's messed up!

Therapy for you and your daughter if you can afford it. Be really honest with your daughter about how you know it's an unacceptable situation and it isn't fair on her. Validate her experience without overtly calling her father and abuser. Listen to her, he a sounding board. Encourage her to disclose any incidents with school or her councillor etc to build up evidence.

Thank you. These are all things that I am trying to do. I have just found a good therapist whom I believe my daughter will open up to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:06

@Singleandproud thank you. These are all good commonsense suggestions.x

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 11:02

I can't do a moonlight flit. This is not the Victorian era (where ID and tracking of people was difficult) and I have a professional career. Unless I want to be a permanently refugee from him, I will be easy to find and identify.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 07/07/2024 10:55

Honestly I second the moonlight flit idea. I don't see what else you can do but hide from him until the courts consider her old enough to refuse. He strangles her, you can't make her go.

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 10:55

@JimandPam I think the fact that another poster is in a similar situation but with contact ordered demonstrates how risky my position is.

I have kept a diary of my daughter coming home and saying how mean daddy is for a long time.

I took a video of her telling me about the abuse - apparently this is very, very bad in the family courts even though every normal person I have told said they would do the same

Child services has investigated and they seemed annoyed with the whole thing especially after my ex got to them. He is aggressive and manipulative, but can be disarmingly charming. Both he and his wife, who is totally nuts, seem very posh.

The police didn't take it further because my daughter said she didn't want Daddy to get into trouble.

I have been trying to support contact, but my ex and his wife keep being abusive to me at these meetings, and to involve my daughter in the conflict. This makes her not want to be with them. My ex says her desire not to be with them is evidence of my alienation.

OP posts:
sevsal · 07/07/2024 10:54

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JimandPam · 07/07/2024 10:50

OP I may be mixing you up with another poster who had in fact been through courts and in a very similar scenario

Is it still worth outlining what you've done so far in terms of raising this so people can advise on other things to try?

Original poster
Vinividivici · 07/07/2024 10:50

Losthope1 · 07/07/2024 10:44

If you have to seek legal advice or in a longer run with a solicitor - ask them to make sure Practice Direction 12J is utilised/considered.

You need as much advice as you can - why didn’t the police take it further? Was it just your report against his with no evidence? If not and you did provide some, you can use a CPS victim review process to look at it again or contact the IOPC to send a complaint to the force.
Also look at Coram (childlawadvice.org.uk) and Family Rights Group online.
No way would I be allowing access

Weirdly, it is viewed as his word against mine even though my poor daughter has had to interview with many authorities and tells all of them the same thing. Nothing about it makes sense.

I will look into Practice Direction 12J

OP posts: