To ask what I can do to make my child ok spending time with their abusive parent

Ring not Rong 🙄

Also does he come to your home? Get a Rong doorbell,

You feel harassed. He's aggressive. Tell the police you are frightened for your safety and that of your child. Does he message on text or email? You only have to tell him once to stop harassing you and if he continues, you have a case.

You have to start fighting fire with fire here. Stop reading cases that are nothing to do with your situation and not representative of the whole of family court. There isn't even an application currently. Again, find a solicitor who specialises in cases like yours. Protect yourself and your daughter.

Its a horrible horrible tightrope to walk

Please go to the police and report his harassment. And keep reporting it. You do not have to tolerate this. The more records of his foul behaviour you have, the better. I can tell you are utterly downtrodden with it all
but you've had a lot of good advice and resources to research here. Time to fight back.

I have worked in the family courts for many years and Fathers Rights do not come above the rights and safety of children. Your solictor does not seem to be experienced in matters of children in the family courts but more in the financial aspects of divorcem it is ridiculous to say that you risk a change of residence by witholding contact when the child is too scared to go. I suggest that you change solictor to someone who is expereinced in child care matters, parental alienation and domestic abuse. Just because there is not enough evidence for the police to proceed does not mean that the allegations will be taken seriously by a Judge in the family court, who will order further work with your daughter, and parents to ensure that safe decisions are made for your daughter. This could be via Cafcass an Independent Social Worker or a contact centre, and possibly a fact finding hearing that judged on the balance of probabilities as opposed to the criminal test of beyond reasonable doubt.

In your case there has been domestic abuse - stop trying to medicate or please him - just go straight to issuing the C100 for a Child Arrangements Order - with a legal representative who is expereinced in the issues you are facing.

That simply isn't true. The welfare of the child trumps all else. I went through the family court with an abusive ex husband and OW over a period of years. In all of it, the welfare of my son was at the forefront. That is why my ex had to have supervised contact, attend various courses and was not ever awarded overnights.

You seem to have talked yourself into believing that the only outcome here is change of residency. That is highly unlikely. There is no court order, you can withdraw contact and you should. Also change solicitor and see the safeguarding officer at your child's school.

And your solicitors are still insisting that this is the case despite the fact he's strangled your daughter? I'm sorry, they sound utterly shit with no understanding of safeguarding. It's absurd.

If the school are on board can you arrange a meeting with them to explain that there has been no intervention to stop the abuse and can they report to social services again? It might result in nothing but maybe a chance that action might be taken by social services or police. If that didn't work and the strangulation is ongoing I would report it to the police. Again there may be a chance for a different outcome.

OP I have supported my partner through a court case with his emotionally abusive ex, and I really think you need a new solicitor. They shouldn’t be telling you to facilitate contact otherwise you will lose your daughter, that’s bonkers. It takes a hell of a lot for a court to order change of residency, not just you withholding a child. This is particularly true if ex has a history of not seeing DD that much, it wouldn’t be in her best interests to change residence. A good friend of mine is supporting her partner whose ex won’t let him see his kids and the court don’t care. You have an actual reason to withhold contact.

Please do what you think is right NOW, don’t base your decisions on what the court MAY think about it. PP indicate that people have had very different experiences of the court system and there are no guarantees it will go either way. Also, it’s not as simple as him declaring ‘parental alienation’. That’s a really taboo term in the court and you have to use it carefully, him chucking it around willy nilly won’t help his case.

i agree with PP who suggest involving the school more. Perhaps they can do regular check ins with your DD and she may start to open up to them.

OP, I know that the police are unlikely to pursue abuse against women and children with no/minimal evidence- I believe you. I also believe you believe what you are saying about family court, and I know that it can go wrong. I also wonder if your ex is still inside your head and you believe what he is saying about court? It may be worth investing in some counselling for you.

However, if it were me, I would spend as much money as I could possibly afford on a solicitor that specialised in abuse cases. I would not force my daughter to see her father- I would "make her available for contact" at my house, but if she refused to leave the house, I wouldn't force her or allow her father inside to "come and get her". If he gets aggressive, I would call the police.

As a slightly longer term plan, I would consider moving far enough away as to limit their contact to a few times a year, practically.

In a few years, your child will be old enough that a court wouldn't normally force them to see their father against their wishes, particularly if contact has been somewhat sporadic- that's the long game IMO.

I would also definitely invest in some counselling for your daughter, and I would validate her feelings. I would tell her you are doing everything you can to keep her safe and stop her from having to see her dad if she doesn't want to.

I would also try and keep an open and honest dialogue with the school as it sounds like they are onside?

OP, in response to your original post, I don't think you should be looking for anything to make your DC feel ok for visiting their a usive parent.

I think spend lots of time with them, talking about feelings, and playing with toys, see if you can get her to open up.

Can you support her to see a children's counsellor. See if she will open up with them.

*not sending- arghh

Can't seem to edit on the app

I'm sorry you suffered through something this. However the OP isn't 'enforcing contact'. She's been advised to by the professionals who work within this messed up system. I'm sure she'd love nothing more to keep her child away from this abuser, however sadly it's more complicated than that, and she's obviously terrified her actions which would be solely to protect her child will instead end up with her losing her dd, which is far from an unlikely scenario.

I appreciate you're speaking from your point of view which is completely valid, however having watched a close friend go through the same thing recently its far from being as easy as just sending her dd.

Police were regularly involved with me. Cafcass thought the sun shone out of exH arse because he was a middle class professional. A judge even told me "this is 'just' middle class abuse". Wtf.

You can tell the difference between people who have dipped a toe in the family court system and those who haven't.

Yes, people on here who are judging you obviously don't understand how horrible it can be when you get dragged into the topsy turvy world of the family courts and are trying to fight your ex's florid lies with the far more mundane truth

Agree ring doorbell is a good idea. Cafcass didn't want to know but actually the police got the measure of my ex very quicky when they saw ring doorbell footage and have been endlessly supportive. I realise the police have issues to sort themselves but when it comes to supporting mums who have experienced abuse they were so many times better than cafcass

Clearly some people on here are very optimistic about how much effort the court and cafcass put into finding out the truth. There is sadly a risk that mums who try and protect their children from abuse just end up losing contact instead. It's a horrifying topsy turvy world in the family courts at times.

Op, things that helped my son were

• ensuring he was very well supported at school with regular one to one sessions with a support worker
• arranging play therapy

Getting separate, neutral, professionals involved was key to getting the court to at least begin to listen. Cafcass still refused to care because "dad seems very lovely and takes the children to piano lesson" but ultimately when my son refused to go to his dad's any more the judge listened and overruled cafcass (appreciate I was lucky to get a decent judge)

@Caledoniablue I was that child. That's why I can't stress enough how important it is that the mother protects the child and what a huge effect it will have if she enforces contact.