Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

These younger people with loads of income who sit back and watch their grandparents/parents struggle amazes me too (although seemingly not in this case).

What on earth is this pointless comment about?

It comes from the estate, or she pays for it, or she arranged a paupers funeral and paupers grave.

It is in this case… MIL is very wealthy & is expecting her children to pay towards a funeral when they are not wealthy and have families to support.
MIL should be paying all costs and helping her own children out rather than trying to extract money from them.

These younger people with loads of income who sit back and watch their grandparents/parents struggle amazes me too (although seemingly not in this case).

It's usually harder to get housing benefit if the property was owned by a relative. Certainly possible, but you need a formal tenancy agreement, for obvious reasons. I can see why MIL might not have wanted to draw too much attention to the situation, if her minor DC partially owned the property.

I also suspect your husband is a wet blanket because he’s considering his inheritance in the future. Doesn’t want to risk being written out of his mothers will

Honestly I don’t understand this arrangement. If she was not wealthy she could have applied for housing benefit which would’ve paid rent to you DH & his siblings and their mother.
I suspect she charged her mother rent and excepted housing benefit to cover rent but never told her children/shared the money with them. If she’s too tight to cover her mums funeral costs then there is no way she allowed her to live there rent free!

The simple answer is NO.
Funeral costs come out of her estate… she didn’t have one, so either the next of kin pays or if they refuse the dead get a government funeral which will be a cremation and small service.
I’ve worked with people who are oennyless, the government send an official to check that they were pennyless, they check bank accounts, belongings etc and if indeed your DH’s GM had nothing they’ll cremate her at the cost of tax payers. I’m unsure what happens to the ashes .. we attended such a funeral, just myself and another resident attended, the deceased had years of drug abuse and homelessness and had lost touch with his family. We had no contact information, no way of informing family.

Your mother in law should pay for HER MOTHERS funeral. I’d suggest your DH & his siblings going together as a United front and saying to their mother that their grandfathers inheritance is exactly that, theirs! And nothing to do with their grandmother ms death! I’d say flat out to her not to be so bloody tight!! Tell her their money is to improve their lives and that of her grandchildren’s… SHE can afford it and only has to look after herself!

As for bills/debts and over paid pension… this will come out of grandmothers bank accounts… again if there is no money and no estate then the debts are written off !

Is it just me who is wondering if granny didn’t really live rent-free, and if MIL was secretly charging her rent? (And keeping it for herself)

He was a kid at the time? That's dodgy!

Children pay for their parents' funerals. Your MIL will get it all back from your DH when her time comes around.

@UsernameTalk dont think they can chase for debt if there is no estate for them to get it from!! on top of that, if dh and siblings owned a part share in house, why did they allow the grandmother to stay rent free????

I agree with this.

Tell your husband that, as a family unit, you cannot commit to taking any financial responsibility for the funeral of family members who are not next of kin. This needs to apply to all family members both sides and, going forward, to your children.

With your children, you can make a plan to ensure your estate covers this (the state doesn't touch the final £23k of an estate when taking costs to cover care). With your parents, hopefully their estates will cover the costs, but if not, you will take responsibility. Beyond that, you won't get involved in paying.

Hopefully by making this a universal rule you will apply across the board, it removes the personal element and the enmeshed aspects going on between your DH and his mother?

OP he probably has not lost money - but if he has the legal position is that he could sue his mother. If he was a child then she would probably have been holding his share as a trustee - and that means she had a legal obligation to maximise the benefit to him. She had no legal obligation as executor to his grandmother. So the house should have been sold and the money invested for him and his siblings or rented out and the childrens share of the money invested for them. He could have forced a sale when legally an adult.

I realise your husband is very unlikely to want to take legal action against his mother and unlikely to have wanted to evict granny - but it might just encourage him to be a little less of a wet blanket if he realises his mother hasnt always acted in his best interests. Few people seem to understand that being an executor means you have legal obligations to the beneficiaries!

Morally I might have been willing to contribute to my own grandmothers funerals in proportion to my share of any estate - but his mother has no legal right to take money for the funeral from the sale proceeds either. So you can just say we are living hand to mouth, we dont have the money.

How miserly she is. I wouldn't give her a penny.

Hope your DH gets good amount from GFs estate.

Absolutely 100% not. The next of kin pays - hopefully out of the estate, but if not, out of their pocket.

@UsernameTalk actually the person who organised the undertakers etc is the person responsible for paying the funeral if there is no estate!!

Can you ask DH if he’ll be expecting your DC to pay for his mother’s funeral when her time comes? Phrased like that can’t he see the absurdity of it?

Make it a deal breaker op. Does the area she died in know your mil? because dh should message his siblings and say I know mum will have been onto you but I won’t be paying a penny for grandmas funeral, and I’m happy to tell her you two aren’t either. Tell him this is his chance to be a big brother to the siblings who will be his only extended family after his parents are gone, and maybe his only family if he hands over a penny of family money to his mum for this. To his mum he messaged ‘mum we will not be contributing to grandmas funeral, we wouldn’t dream of asking that of our children for their grandparents. Happy to contact the hospital /funeral home and say <mils name>’s mum will have a paupers funeral if that’s what you decide.’
then you hold his phone for him for the evening.

This is an incredibly frustrating thread OP. You are remarkably patient!