Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

There is no estate, just debts.

It does. I can accept that opinions may differ on the funeral costs, but not on the repayment of debts when there was no estate.

@UsernameTalk

First off, you need to stop giving your DH any of your medical info. If my DH was sharing my personal information I wouldn't be telling him anything, not even if I was having a cavity filled. And I'd make sure my treating sources knew not to say anything to him. And then I'd tell my DH exactly why I was doing it, to stop him blabbing information that he had no right to tell. And I'd find another trusted person in my life to be my third party contact, if one was needed. Perhaps that might start to show your DH how deadly serious you are about his mother's 'ways'.

As far as the house, I agree with you that DH & his sibs don't need to pay for part of the funeral. But you also know DH is (in your words) a wet lettuce when it comes to his mother. So I think you need to accept that he probably will and then decide what affect it will have on your marriage.

Bottom line is that his mother means more to him than you do. If it were otherwise he'd be telling her where to go. Personally, I wouldn't choose to live with a man who didn't put me (and 'us') first in his life.

Unless MIL (or anyone else) had an agreement to be responsible for her debts, the debts are cancelled and there's no money to be paid. It sounds like MIL is lying to get money out of DH.

Suggest to MIL that DGM has a Public Health Funeral, see how that goes down.

https://www.simplicity.co.uk/advice/paupers-funeral

GM didn’t have savings and doesn’t own the house she was living in - she was divorced from GF and living there for free. MiL and DH and his siblings are all co-owners of the house as it was left to them in GF’s will. And there’s no obligation on any of the siblings to pay for the funeral. If everyone refuses they can apply to DWP for funeral costs - eligibility would depend on what, if any, benefits GM was claiming, but I suspect they would be refused as there is a property to sell and a close relative (MiL) with the means to pay.

Has anyone thought to check GF’s will to see if it was stipulated that GM could live there for free ? If so, and MiL has been pocketing housing benefit, it’s fraud. There usually has to be a formal tenancy agreement in order to get housing benefit and MiL should have declared herself and everyone with a financial interest in the house as landlords. If she has actually been benefiting financially in this way, she could find herself in a fair bit of trouble if it comes to light.

Did the grandmother express any wishes on what she wanted for her funeral, or have a funeral plan with the Co-op or anything like that? Is there a will and if so who is/are the executors?

If there is little money in the estate, and her nearest relative, MIL won’t contribute, then DH and his siblings will have to plan a modest but respectful funeral with few trimmings, that’s within their budgets.

If MIL wants a team of black horses, a line of professional mourners and an overly expensive wake and to be in control then she needs to be the one paying the extra.

She wasn’t his wife - she divorced him years ago and didn’t own the house. If part of the estate needs to go towards the funeral then it should be from MiL’s share - it was her mother.

Hopefully the estate would pay the CGT soon after sale.

The will stated that GM lived in the house for free I think.

She shouldn’t be asking DH or his siblings to pay for the funeral. If her mother had no savings and no interest in the house she lived in, then it’s on MiL to pay for the funeral. If there is a will, make sure it’s followed to the letter and MiL doesn’t try to divert funds from the grandchildren’s share to cover costs.

TBH, it sounds like GM got shafted. Yes, she divorced her DH many years ago, but she died a pauper and her DC had loads of money.

Morally, MIL should pay. Doesn't sound she's going to. If I was related to GM in any way (like your DH), I'd pay. Not because I thought I should but because I'd want to give GM back a bit of dignity in a last gesture. It wouldn't be for MIL's benefit.

I'd also distance myself from MIL (and her money)

Remember your family only have 60days to declare for capital gains tax after the property is sold. Or you get a fine on top of the tax

He didn't have a wife, they've been divorced nigh on half a century. Cancel the wife cheque.

So you don’t think part of the grandfathers estate should go towards his wife’s funeral ?

Mil can pay for the funeral. Once the house is sold and the money is in the bank, the executor can reimburse her and also pay any outstanding debts. Who is the executor of the will. Let them sort it out.

My advice would be keep out of it. It’s your husbands business what he now does with his inheritance, and whether he stands up to his mum. You can only give and opinion and suggest he and his siblings stand up to her…. Then take a step back and say you’ll support him whatever decision he decides .. his mum is clearly a nasty piece of work and personally I’d have nothing to do with her and I’d keep my kids as minimum contact as possible too. DH can visit his mum alone.
Maybe book an appointment for him to see a citizens advice person

Absolutely spot on about Capital gains tax .

we were gifted share of MIL house by MIL when FIL died about 20 years ago .

MIL pays market rent, we have paid basic landlord type expenses ( eg building insurance etc) out of that rent and declared the rent ( and associated expenses ) for tax purposes .

we also had the property valued for capital gains tax - that is our base cost for tax when we come to sell the property . We will have to pay tax on the increase in the market value of that property since then . Since MIL has lived there as a tenant there is no tax relief for her living there in the way that we Don’t pay tax when we sell a home we have lived in the whole
time.

however since the property was gifted over 7 years ago there will be no inheritance tax to pay on the value of the house when she passes away , since she has other assets it takes her over the threshold .

I don’t wholly approve of this type of tax planning myself but it has certainly been conducted properly .

Your MIL should pay however encourage her to apply for funding and to plan an inexpensive funeral.
Ther is rarely any need for an expensive funeral.
Plan to spend money on a reasonable headstone and refreshments instead.

She needs to pay for the funeral herself. She shouldn't even be asking you. Presumably she is the next of kin and is arranging the funeral.

They could all refuse
and tell her she either pays or her mother has a paupers funeral (cremearion these days)… I doubt she would allow that being that her image is so important!

Direct cremation is £1900. A funeral is about £5000 with a church service.
I'd offer £1000 towards it.
The LA can do a state funded cremation and there is an allowance. It will be difficult to access and quite frankly your MIL can do that as she is next of kin.
The waters are muddied here due to the tenancy. Your MIL sounds awful.
If your DHs grandmother is cremated who is collecting the ashes because your mil sounds like she didn't like her mother much. How sad is that.

If she was charging rent then yes, it should have been shared. Maybe she didn’t bother as didn’t want the hassle of filing tax returns on it. Who knows. It would be unusual for someone seemingly so tight though, to allow someone to live rent free. The fact it was her mother has no bearing here since she clearly doesn’t care enough to cover her funeral costs!
IF your DH & his siblings do agree to pay towards funeral it should be done in proportion of inheritance … so if she owns 50% of the grandfathers house then she pays half of the funeral etc…. However as it’s not the grandmothers estate they shouldn’t pay at all… just depends if they have it in them to fight her…. When the house is sold hopefully the solicitor dealing with it will just give the money straight to each person that has a share, your DH could refuse at this point to give mother anything…. Only he knows what he is willing to do… he shouldn’t but will he risk the wrath of his mother

OP, you’ll be explaining forever, people just don’t read, & the reason they want more info is because they’re nosy.

Now you know how MIL got her half a million. Don’t sell the house just yet, wait until MIL’s paid for the funeral.