Page 3 | Mil thinks DH should pay towards his grandmothers funeral

UsernameTalk · 2024-07-07T07:53:51+00:00

My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has autism and is quite high needs. Mil thinks he and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial. Mil mother (DH grandmother) had no savings or money when she died to cover it. AIBU to think that is ridiculous?

BorsetshireBanality · 08/07/2024 12:56

Did he actually get any inheritance or was it all tied up in the house that his Grandmother lived in, and he wasn’t raid any share of the “rent”

I’ve changed my mind to what I thought earlier and think MIL should do the decent thing pay for the funeral and get the house on the market so that the Grandfather’s will wishes can be honoured.

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 12:50

Surely it’s in everyone’s best interest that has a share in the house to deal with any maintenance issues or decorating if its going up for sale. yes but not the burial costs and overpaid pension or electricity bill, because GM died with no money. Mil (with more than half a million in the bank, no morgage, no dependents) is basically asking DH (with 2 young children and a morgage) to use the inherence he got from his grandfather to pay towards Mil's mothers funeral and debt.

OP posts:

SavingTheBestTillLast · 08/07/2024 11:58

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 09:33

@SocoBateVira think she has already paid them I think, as she wouldn't want the stigma of unpaid debts. And is just demanding dh and siblings split it, plus burial cost, plus the decorating on the house she decided on

Surely it’s in everyone’s best interest that has a share in the house to deal with any maintenance issues or decorating if its going up for sale.

FrenchandSaunders · 08/07/2024 10:07

Imagine quibbling like this over burying your own mother. Shameful, your MIL sounds awful OP.

SocoBateVira · 08/07/2024 09:39

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 09:33

@SocoBateVira think she has already paid them I think, as she wouldn't want the stigma of unpaid debts. And is just demanding dh and siblings split it, plus burial cost, plus the decorating on the house she decided on

Ah, I see.

Usually she'd have a point about the decorating and maintenance costs generally. But perhaps someone should try asking her if she'd like the legalities of her decision to let her mother live in the property while the beneficiaries were children to be looked at with a fine toothed comb. Personally I'd call it a draw if I were her!

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 09:33

@SocoBateVira think she has already paid them I think, as she wouldn't want the stigma of unpaid debts. And is just demanding dh and siblings split it, plus burial cost, plus the decorating on the house she decided on

OP posts:

SocoBateVira · 08/07/2024 09:23

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 09:23

Mil also expects dh and his siblings to split GM's debt - the overpaid pension and outstanding gas and electricity bill as well as burial costs😡its looking like a few thousand for each sibling

Has anyone pointed out to her that the debts will die with DGM?

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 08/07/2024 09:23

Mil also expects dh and his siblings to split GM's debt - the overpaid pension and outstanding gas and electricity bill as well as burial costs😡its looking like a few thousand for each sibling

OP posts:

SocoBateVira · 07/07/2024 21:20

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:53

The family would have to provide a written statement to the LA declaring that they have no access to funds to cover the funeral and then sign over the responsibility of GM’s body to the LA. They can’t insist that the family pay but the process is not without its’ pressures.

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Yes, the LA are likely to try and pressure them.

ohthejoys21 · 07/07/2024 21:13

Missgucci · 07/07/2024 08:59

It's not down to your mil really .. she can't pluck the money from your account. It comes down to if your hubby is stupid enough to pay for this when he has a family to provide for.

This.

Zippedeedooda · 07/07/2024 21:12

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:25

There is an estate. It belongs to MiL and DH and his siblings. If the estate doesn’t belong to GM and she doesn’t have the means to pay, they will be written off.

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OP has stated GM has no estate, only debts.
The estate belonging to MIL, DH and siblings is that of the GF.

The question is.
Do relatives feel a moral obligation to pay for their mothers and grandmothers funeral.
I would pay my share, of course. If I had the means which it seems OP does.

5128gap · 07/07/2024 21:00

The person who arranges the funeral is liable for the bill. If that's your MiL then it's up to her to pay it. If she was strapoed for cash it would be the decent thing to chip in, but clearly thats not the case here. Your H is neither legally or morally responsible so should tell his mother no.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:53

SocoBateVira · 07/07/2024 20:35

The DWP won't cough up, but the LA can't force someone to pay purely on the grounds of being related.

Show quote history

The family would have to provide a written statement to the LA declaring that they have no access to funds to cover the funeral and then sign over the responsibility of GM’s body to the LA. They can’t insist that the family pay but the process is not without its’ pressures.

SocoBateVira · 07/07/2024 20:35

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:23

Yep. The DWP won’t cough up if there is a close relative who is not on benefits and has the means to pay. I think the Local Authority take a similar view if they are asked to pay for a public health funeral. GM has family, so they will be the first port of dall

Show quote history

The DWP won't cough up, but the LA can't force someone to pay purely on the grounds of being related.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:25

Zippedeedooda · 07/07/2024 13:42

There is no estate, just debts.

Show quote history

There is an estate. It belongs to MiL and DH and his siblings. If the estate doesn’t belong to GM and she doesn’t have the means to pay, they will be written off.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2024 20:23

Anewuser · 07/07/2024 09:18

This is only if you receive certain benefits. With half a million in the bank, that’s unlikely.

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Yep. The DWP won’t cough up if there is a close relative who is not on benefits and has the means to pay. I think the Local Authority take a similar view if they are asked to pay for a public health funeral. GM has family, so they will be the first port of dall

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2024 20:11

no he shhoulnt be paying anything

are you still lc wit her yourslef-your dh nees to stan up to her more

Tumbleweed101 · 07/07/2024 19:24

My brother and I paid for my mum's funeral as it came to more than she had in her savings. My children were very close to my mum but I didn't even think of asking them to contribute.

OnAndOnAndonAgain · 07/07/2024 19:20

The fact that she has had her mother living in a house that is partially owed by your dh and his brother when she has money and other houses just shows what a dick she is

Especially when you have a child with a disability and could have used the money from the estate yourselves

OnAndOnAndonAgain · 07/07/2024 19:17

If she's paid off debts that would have been written of as grandma had no money that is her problem

It's also on her to pay funeral costs and as she's rolling in money she shouldn't be asking anyone else to pay towards it

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/07/2024 18:41

@UsernameTalk tell us, has the funeral been arranged yet?? this makes a difference!

Despair1 · 07/07/2024 18:01

I could understand if your MIL had no money but this is clearly not the case. You have a young family and have no excess income. As is often the case ( not always), you find that those with alot of financial resources are often the most mean when it comes to spending/supporting.
Take care

BarHumbugs · 07/07/2024 17:43

UsernameTalk · 07/07/2024 09:09

If DH has a small share in what is the estate It is not his grandmothers estate, she has no money or estate, and infact had debt to pay - to electric company and pay back over paid pension etc.

The estate that is being sold is his grandfathers house that he left to mil, dh and his siblings. And mil is already demanding dh and his siblings pay a share of their grandmothers debt now their grandfathers house is being sold (again that their grandmother did not own).

Funeral costs come out of the estate BEFORE debts are paid, if there's nothing left toc over the electricity bill the electricity company has to write it off.

Original poster

UsernameTalk · 07/07/2024 17:13

@DinosaurWhizz It's the husband's money, grandmother and mother. It's got nothing to do with OP we are married with children, so it is my busy if mil is guilting dh to spend hundreds on something.

This is my mil, AIBU, she is the biggest issue in my marriage
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4719643-to-think-mil-is-batshit-and-if-i-am-unreasonable-going-low-contact?page=1

To think Mil is batshit and if I am unreasonable going low contact? | Mumsnet

For family members birthdays she contacts dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or t...

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OP posts:

DinosaurWhizz · 07/07/2024 15:30

It's the husband's money, grandmother and mother. It's got nothing to do with OP.

I don't see an issue with making a contribution, presumably the husband will be getting a few thousand from the sale of the house, although it seems fair that mil should pay most of it. But even if he decides to pay the lot it's purely his decision