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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this money set up fair?

181 replies

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:26

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/07/2024 09:33

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

What happens if you say no.

No I'm not paying your car MOT

No I'm not paying for the meal

No I'm not paying the stuff for you?

Huckleberries73 · 07/07/2024 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mrsdineen2 · 07/07/2024 09:29

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

The split isn't fair, you're right, but since your revelation that he called you a thick bitch, I think this has gone beyond a calculator issue.

Original poster
DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

OP posts:
BlackBean2023 · 07/07/2024 09:17

If it doesn't go into one pot I'd split based on earnings. You earn 65% of the total income, he earns 35%. Food shopping is a joint expense so your outgoings at £4,100.

So by my maths he should contribute £1435 a month and you £2665.

He is currently contributing £1,100 so he's not a massive CF.

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/07/2024 09:16

well I was about to say you should show him the breakdown that you both have 1300 left after the main bills so any of the additional spends you listed should be shared but after your update I think you should be showing him divorce papers. Really. What on earth would compel you to stay with someone who clearly dislikes and disrespects you?

yourlittleworldfallingapart · 07/07/2024 09:13

Jesus Christ. A man who called me a thick bitch and let me pay for everything would not be in my life very long.

I know it's not that easy when you have DC but he's setting a terrible example for them, among other things.

Jackette · 07/07/2024 09:13

We do not have joint accounts, we also have incomes that are not the same. Adjustments are made and left over amounts are similar but not exact. I used to earn more than my ex. This is a long time ago 30 years and the world was very different and he felt very emasculated by it. That’s probably the root cause.

You need a clam discussion, when he insulted you what did you do ?

TheSerenePinkOrca · 07/07/2024 09:12

If my husband called me a thick bitch that would be marriage over.

unlikelychump · 07/07/2024 09:12

My husband doesn't speak to me either. He avoids any discussion he doesn't want to have and does nothing he doesn't want to do.

It is untenable.

mrsdineen2 · 07/07/2024 09:10

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:06

He believes it to be fair. And I see his point that I earn more so I pay more - of course - but paying for everything all the time adds up! There is no trust there maybe. He does do the food shops (each week he spends the same on the same stuff).

Last time we talked about it he called me a "thick bitch" and other delightful things!

I do get that's he stressed about money. Cost of living has increased all our outgoings yet our salaries have pretty much stayed the same. He also feels angry that I earn more than him but also jokes about being a "kept man" when we are out. It all feels complicated for him.

He owes you two things - first, to stop calling you insulting names. Massive red flag. How does a discussion about finances even get to the stage where he's insulting your intelligence? (I'm not questioning your claim he said it, just trying to figure out what's happening in his tiny mind)

And secondly, complete transparency on where the money goes. Do you think he's got secret saving, an addiction, or just shit spending habits?

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2024 09:09

Sorry. Just read the 'thick bitch' update.

Yeah, life's hard, moneys stressful, but most of us don't speak like that to our partners.

Have you thought about leaving?

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2024 09:06

He thinks you won't leave him.

That he can bully and intimidate you to earn the money, look after the home and keep quiet.

Have you tried a calm moment? Have you tried an email that says a discussion about finances is overdue?

Or:

"What do you think is going to happen if you keep refusing to discuss our finances"?

It does sound like you'll have to be prepared to leave him.

Original poster
DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:06

He believes it to be fair. And I see his point that I earn more so I pay more - of course - but paying for everything all the time adds up! There is no trust there maybe. He does do the food shops (each week he spends the same on the same stuff).

Last time we talked about it he called me a "thick bitch" and other delightful things!

I do get that's he stressed about money. Cost of living has increased all our outgoings yet our salaries have pretty much stayed the same. He also feels angry that I earn more than him but also jokes about being a "kept man" when we are out. It all feels complicated for him.

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 07/07/2024 09:02

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/07/2024 08:55

This is financial abuse and is a crime.

All money goes in one account

add up all bills, which includes everything for the kids, This comes out joint account.

Then you get the same spending money in your own account.

Although he sounds like a nasty abusive twat...

Fuck him

Edited

Have you read the same posts as the rest of us?

He sounds shit, I won't lie. But a man who happily lets his wife control her own £4,300 salary, and sends her more money on top of it it (not enough to be fair, I agree), is never going to be the subject of a prosecution under this law. You're beign ridiculous and undermining the actual victims of financial abuse that this valuable law protects.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/07/2024 09:02

So he's got about 800 quid a month to play with, and you have zero, despite earning a lot more.
I guess it should be he pays another 400, which presumably would mean you'd each have 400 ish disposable? Sorry I'm useless at maths. But it doesn't seem fair at all. And he's bang out of order for getting rude and abusive when you try and discuss it!

Greydays10 · 07/07/2024 09:02

He is abusive and uses his anger to shut you down.
Time to get real.
Speak to Women's aid and get calculating what you will get going it alone.

He is financially abusing you.
What is your housing situation?
Would you be better off alone?

crumblingschools · 07/07/2024 08:55

Wouldn’t have marriage counselling if he gets angry.

What are his good points @DollarDollar

Summerhillsquare · 07/07/2024 08:55

"He gets angry so quickly". Never mind the money, that's your problem right there. He thinks you are lesser, you're not a team.

He's going to be paying an awful lot more in rent, bills and child maintenance when you kick him out, eh?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/07/2024 08:55

This is financial abuse and is a crime.

All money goes in one account

add up all bills, which includes everything for the kids, This comes out joint account.

Then you get the same spending money in your own account.

Although he sounds like a nasty abusive twat...

Fuck him

RandomMess · 07/07/2024 08:54

Marriage counselling or divorce. Lay it on the line.

iamtheblcksheep · 07/07/2024 08:53

He is financially abusive. He either pays his share or it would be bye bye from me.

JumpstartMondays · 07/07/2024 08:52

Tel12 · 07/07/2024 08:32

You need to insist on a grown up discussion. Have you seen his bank statements?

Has she shown him hers, too?

One needs to believe the other is spending as much as they say. Trust is 2way

BuddhaAtSea · 07/07/2024 08:52

I had a husband like yours. HAD.

The fact that he gets angry is irrelevant. His choice: he discusses finances or he moves out, has the kids 50/50 and he can keep his man maths to himself.

Spirallingdownwards · 07/07/2024 08:50

I think you sound like you would be better off as a single parent!

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