Is this money set up fair?

Why are you with him OP?

You already know that your financial situation is unfair. His reaction to your attempts to sort out the situation shows that he knows it is but wants to keep things as they are.

So, if you are unhappy, as most people would be, then only you can change it.

It's going to be hard and there may be some financial loss to begin with when splitting assets, but surely a few years of upheaval now will be better than decades of him not sharing the load with you as expected from a decent partner, and being eaten up with (justified) resentment.

Insulting you instead of showing respect for what you brought to the marriage, would have been the last straw for me.

So OP start taking steps to make yourself happier. First of all start the beginnings of decoupling from him by either getting rid of 'his' car that is in your name, or changing the ownership details with the DVLA. If the car is kept, tell him the outgoings for it are all his responsibility and inform the insurance company accordingly. If he shouts and hurls more insults at you, just tell him calmly where the door is!

@DollarDollar but depending on the age/ sex of your kids, a place suitable for having the kids could be a 1 bed flat- with a double bed and a sofa bed in the lounge- if that’s a what a fair division of assets affords. No court is going to give him all of the equity in the house to buy a 3 bed house outright and then leave you with nothing. He’ll also be expected to get a mortgage as he’s earning. There are loads of dads on here living in flats who have their kids for access.

I totally get that it’s difficult and you have to want to to do it, and equally if you don’t want to end your own marriage then that’s your choice, but do at least take from this thread that your instincts are right, he’s not paying enough, and it’s not normal to call your partner a “thick bitch” or make them pay for your parking tickets. What you do with that information is up to you- and I still do think it would be worth an appointment with a solicitor to get a feel what a divorce would look like in your specific circumstances.

I think in the short term you need to say no a lot more.

No more meals or eating out with him etc.

No more you funding gifts for him or his family. "I can't afford it".

Stuff for the DC "I can't afford it". "You need to ask Daddy if he'll pay for that".

Is it worth trying counselling? He may not realise that you are strapped, equally the food shop costs may be more than £600.

If you pick up top ups just stop.

Share the reality of the costs openly with him. The money each month toward the car, savings, holidays etc.

OP, why do you wish you could just accept this? Is that really what you want out of life?

You would be ok financially without him. He treats you like dirt, he calls you names. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

I don't always shout LTB, but you sound unhappy and resentful and like you just have to put up with it. you don't

Next time you go out for a meal just ask waiter for separate bills and pay your half. See how he reacts to that. He can hardly complain about paying for his own food. It sounds like he uses you as a meal ticket.

Tell him he has to start pulling his weight. Insist he does half of household chores. Who nominated you as the slave? Ask for more help with the DC. Ask him to drop off or collect from school. Point put if you separated he'd have to do half or pay you more maintenance. You'd be better off financially without him, but I expect you know that.

How do you go oh holiday op? Maybe see if you can motivate him somehow by using holidays.

Op I would set up new bank like monzo and in there share different pots for example have one you both contribute to for holidays. Another you use for Christmas.

There seems to be no clear spefic breakdown of money so I would do that also.
Every penny is allocated somewhere in our house

Why would you have to set him up with a 3 bedroom in your area?

It's time to find a solicitor op and discuss what would happen. You don't even have to do anything with the information but it would be good to know.

I keep telling myself to just accept my H. Despite not pulling his weight in so many ways. Despite him being impossible to talk to.

Accept him? Why? He's a lazy, selfish, abusive bastard. What you've described is not a partnership. Money is only one of your problems with this piece of shit. Please DON'T accept him - his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Talk to Women's Aid (who will hopefully help you to see that you are being abused) and get some legal advice. Good luck.

This.

He's taking the piss

You both need to be contributing 50% of your income to cover the outgoings.

Edit: he gets angry because he knows he’s onto a good thing here! Also just seen that you pay additional children and family time expenses. This all needs to be bundled into your monthly outgoings and you both contribute an equal % of your income to cover it.

This is your time op, reset your marriage or dump it. If you go out with the kids or for lunch, tell him it’s on you. Also, tell him he doesn’t pull his weight in housework and parenting and he can start or he can leave. What would you get in maintainance out of interest? This all sounds like a dealbreaker for me.

Do not accept your H.

And do not give the fucker the equity.

Find a good lawyer and discuss it.

I've only read your posts, @DollarDollar , but it looks to me like you're done. So I'd stop sweating the small stuff and focus on how you can extricate yourself from this mess with the least worst financial settlement. The sooner you do so the less you will lose.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

Gather all financial documents and draft Form E. See a competent family solicitor and file for divorce.

Not really they pay more because they earn more, distribution of chores is a different matter where the couple need to discuss what’s fair and expected from each other which many seem to not be able to do. OP has a similar amount of income left because they are a family and are paying in per portion to what they earn, however I do think the extras need splitting 50/50, again roles reversed and many wives on here saying husband pays a lot more because they earn more but their DH make it so they have same disposable income to keep things fair

@Coconutter24 I don't agree with this at all. Yes OP should pay more, but it's not in anyway 'fair' that OP should be left with the same disposable income as him, when she is working hard and earning almost double.

If he wants more then he should get off his lazy backside and earn it. As I said before, he's a cocklodger. He's not even paying enough to cover his own expenses. Without OP he would have MUCH less disposable income.

Why do you put up with him? He is verbally abusive, treating you like a skivvy, expects you to pay for almost everything - calling you vile names?!

I don't buy into the MN rhetoric that a couple should have equal spends left each month.

Yes as the higher earner you should contribute more to the household costs (proportionate to income, in your case 65:35 split), but you should also personally be able to see the benefit of your career choices that enabled you to be a higher earner.

He also feels angry that I earn more than him

This is the crux of the problem and he's punishing you by making you pay more.

he will need money from me to afford a 3 bed house in our area.

How have you worked this out? On the assumption that he’ll remain as useless as he is now I very much doubt he’ll ask for or get 50/50 custody (he might threaten to ask for it to scare you but it won’t materialise). He’ll get a fair financial settlement but if you have the kids more it’s likely that he’ll be expected to downsize quite considerably and, yes, perhaps move somewhere a bit cheaper (surely he could manage with a 2 bedder or less??). Plus he’s earning so he’d be expected to get his own mortgage or rent if necessary.

You seem to be working under quite a few presumptions which may well not be right, I think you’d benefit from some proper legal advice about where things might be if you did split up.

Ours all goes into 1 pot. All bills go out. Rest is free game. Bills also Inc cms to his ex , things for my own dc but were a family with joint dc on top

Dh never really spends money maybe £30 a month

Have you worked out what he would pay in child maintenance if you told him to leave? And then how much bills would reduce with him not there.
Would you be much worse off? And no hissy fits & sulking to deal with.