Is this money set up fair?

OP you can't keep living like this. It's clear you don't even like each other. Your children will realise this in time. You're modelling a terrible relationship and not only are you unhappy but so in time will the kids be. Please while your marriage is still considered short get a divorce. It will be horrendous for a while but in the long term you will be so much happier. If things carry on as they are you'll be unhappy for years and years.

Oh op. Say firmly well I don’t have money for 10 pints of beer and a big night out. So if you use two pints worth you can buy a plunger instead. Do that today please, since really you should give 4 pints worth to me, have 4 pints AND buy a plunger if you cared about fair or your family. It’s not a money thing, it’s a selfish fucker thing.

practice not walking on eggshells. Practice saying it’s not a money thing, it’s an I’m a selfish fucker who uses money for beer and myself so don’t have much left for your family. It’s a shame- most people think you love your kids; they don’t see how little you give them.

I'm so glad we don't have finance problems, will never understand the all separate this and that

You have kids and are married, why do you even have his and hers money? All into one pot,all out of it.

Somehow I don't think you have the funds for "a big night out".

You are the breadwinner and do the main care of the house & DC.

He's become one rung up from a cocklodger.

What @Gaia2024 and @Heronwatcher said!

It will only get worse. Right now, your children are not yet picking up on what's going on. But they will. They'll end up walking on eggshells just like you.

Be brave - you can forge a better future for you and them!!

Yeah your kids are only happy because they are currently oblivious. It’s only going to be a matter of time before he starts with his BS on the kids- that he doesn’t have any money because mummy has taken it all, he can’t afford new socks because he’s poor, showing them mad misogynist crap on his phone. Don’t put your kids through it.

You leave . . . What on earth are you getting from this?

And also as happy as your kids appear to be they will sense this discontent as they get older and will think their dad's behaviour is acceptable as this is what you are deeming acceptable to them.

You could also argue that the children could share as they are still young so a 3 bedroom property is not required. Of course, he could argue the same.

I would divorce asap. At the moment, you may be able to argue that it has been a short marriage. This becomes more difficult as the marriage becomes longer. With a short marriage, the division of assets may not have to be 50:50 (I am not a lawyer but divorced!)

The sooner you divorce and separate earnings, the more time you will have to make up any loss associated with what you have to give him.

My solicitor told me that the starting point with the house is 50/50 and that one party might get more if they have the DC more. He said that the judges do look at the needs of both parties to be housed. I don't see why your DH would get all the equity in the house?

You are living with an angry aggressive man who refuses to discuss the family finances. His default reaction is rage rather than reason.

It is hard to change your life, although mine was forced upon me , it wasn't my choice, but in your case, you do need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you really want to spend it with an angry aggressive man who treats you like shit and ensures that you don't have any money while he keeps his?

TBH if he still refuses then you need to end the relationship.

Sure you both will need a 2 bed home each but that's all. Longer term you will be better off financially and without the resentment of seemingly him being deceitful and angry.

You need to reframe the discussions as "the COL has increased so much it seems like we don't have enough money between us for our current lifestyle".

We need a thorough breakdown on what is being spent and where we can make savings, I don't have any money to keep repairing the car etc.

He sounds grim.

How long have you been married op?

@DollarDollar sounds really grim and miserable. I think losing your equity sounds worth it to be rid of him. No easy answers but you must know you can't stay in this relationship forever. Better on your kids to get out now before they believe this is what marriage is supposed to be.

I think you need to have a full comprehensive list of all outgoings with amounts. You earn almost double what he does so you should pay roughly 2 thirds of the outgoings and he should pay a third.

But it needs to be so that you can both clearly see the costs.

He clearly doesn't think you'll leave. He thinks you're bought and paid for.

You're right it won't be easy. But imagine yourself a year from now. Or 5 years... or when you get a pay rise...

He will have to be given enough resources to afford a house suitable to have the kids

Even so, don't give up. It might not be as bleak as it sounds. And anyway, surely anything's better than living with the horrible twat who won't have a sensible conversation about fair shares because he knows he on a good thing and he's taking the absolute piss.

I worry about the kids a lot of course. And i dont want to not see them for long periods of time.

Admittedly he will no doubt go for 50/50 because he won't have to pay maintenance, but surely that's better than your kids living in a household where their dad is an absolute shitbag to their resentful mum.

It's not as simple as 'you're an arsehole, i'm off'

You're right, it's not. But it's not impossible and surely to God it's far better than the alternative.

It's fair 'on paper' - you both have £1300 after those monthly expenses.

However with you paying for clubs, clothes, meals out etc you're worse off - does he however have high travel costs due to not being WFH? I guess they could be deducted from his £1300 as it's a nessesary expense

If he doesn't have a travel expense then I'd suggest you each put an additional £150 a month into a 'pot' so £300 a month for anything for the family - meals out, takeaways, emergency house repairs etc.

If he won't do that I'd consider your options, why should you earn more and end up with less?

Pay the bills but say no to the extras. Even if it means refusing to go for meals / holidays with him. If he’s not willing to have a decent conversation about money he doesn’t deserve the perks of yours. I’d also begin to cut down food expenses buy only buying things for yourself and the kids — everything he wants he needs to buy & do not change your mind.

As for leaving him as you both work f/t and 50/50 custody is the default there won’t be extra to ‘home’ him. Just Sell the home and split the equity 50/50 - a good solicitor will help you with this if you think things may get nasty or he’s hiding money.

Did you do a deed of trust/declaration around the equity you put in. Was this before or after marriage