Boyfriends Controlling Ex stopping him seeing the kids

You didn't see much of your dad and you had more than one step dad, albeit positive.

That's conditioned you to think what your boyfriend is doing is ok.

You have known him a year. I wouldn't introduce my kids to a man, or move him into my house, in a year.

Why would their mum be happy for that when she doesn't know you and the kids barely know him?

Why are you moving to his country? Is it going to be good for you, career wise? Because he's flaky and has been flaky for a long time. You may well find yourself there alone a lot. Were you planning to have children?

Why on earth are you planning to settle down with such a monumentally useless father?

The fact that you're a week away from visiting and there is no plan in place is what stood out for me. The mum looks after those kids 100% of the time, then the moment dad decides to see them her and the two girls have to drop everything to facilitate? No! Whatever job he has he will have notice of when he can visit his children. This should be booked in well in advance or these two poor girls can't ever plan anything in their lives more than a week or two away which is no way to live.

Does he do videocalls every week at the same time? He should be, if he isn't then he pretty much has no relationship with them.

And I agree with PP. You shouldn't be meeting them. They barely know their dad. He isn't a safe person for them as he isn't physically there and there is no regular contact pattern. For the two girls he is unreliable.

I am open to the role of being a step mum. I am not close with my dad as he left my mum when I was very young. But I had very positive step dad role models in my life.

How would you have felt if the short times you had with your dad had been centred around meeting his girlfriend? I get it's a big thing to you, but it won't be to them - especially if they hardly see their dad.

No good can come from getting involved in this. 2 years is a long time - leave him to it and see what the situation is between them all when you move, there's no rush (for you - he needs to pull his finger out and be more present in his kids lives!)

His schedule is all a bit random

So for two decades he has come and gone as he pleased and now expects his ex to bend over backwards and welcome him back with platitudes when he decides he wants to see his kids

I'd be bloody difficult too if I was her.

You aren't a parent no and kids need routine and stability not some Disney dad Swanning in and out expecting their mother and them to drop everything to see him so he can splash his cash and make him feel like a hero

He's a shitty father.

Ask yourself if a decent person would really choose to live in a different country to their children.

Kids need love and hands on parenting more than an affluent lifestyle. Please don't have kids with this man as he'll only ever put himself first.

Try and think about it from his ex’s point of view, your boyfriend wants to appear and disappear from his children’s lives on an irregular schedule and then when he’s there wants his ex and his children to suspend their regular lives and activities to enable him to do fun things with his girls. I bet the 4 yr old barely knows who he is if he disappears for months on end. Then you want to insert yourself on these rare occasions that they see their dad, behave! You and your partner sound very selfish it’s all about what you want rather than what is best for the children. By the way paying decent maintenance does not make him Father of the Year or entitle him to be a parent only when it suits him.

Don’t date a man that thinks being in a different country than his children is acceptable. His ex is not the problem.

Best financial interests at heart? Yeah because that makes up for not being present and stable enough to have regular real contact. Money doesn't make his relationship with his children better. You need to butt out for a start. You might think you're coming at this from a good place but you've fallen into the trap so many have before. These kids are nothing to do with you. You don’t need to meet them, give their mum a break or be open to being a stepmum - how're you going to do that if he can't step up? This is your partners problem not yours.

This guy pops in and out of his kids life as he pleases with no routine or consistency and here you are moaning about the “controlling ex”.

@doobadoo - you will forgive me but people do not change. Twenty years hppping in and out of the UK is how your partner likes it.

it is much more likely that he would like you to relocate to the U.K. so he can claim a stable home for his children, you will have met them, and built a relationship on the days out etc. He will remain the same and say he needs to maintain your lifestyle and the children.

Speak to man whose fathering you respect. I think you will fill in the gaps from that. Good luck and remember, good men do not make women feel sorry for them.

she might not want "a break" and she might not want to hand over her children to a man who hardly knows them and is out of the country most of the time - and you should keep well away from them,

Look if you two ever do settle down in the same country as his kids, sort out visas and accommodation etc.

Then might be the time to think about meeting the kids if they want to meet you.

But until then, it's ridiculously unnecessary.

and it would be great to be able to give her a break

This stood out to me as a really weird comment. Why would she need a break from her own children? How many days is the boyfriend planning on having them for, that it would count as a "break"?

You shouldn't meet them. And he should go to mediation or court.

It wouldn’t.

Have you actually seen any evidence that this ex is difficult aside from your boyfriend?

Just check yourself a little; a very manipulative man will use this situation to make you feel sorry and very emotionally engaged far more quickly than you otherwise would.

I note that you are already making plans together. Yet maybe to need to check the sense of that; why do you need to meet the children? Will your boyfriend still be working abroad after you go back to the UK?

Think carefully before you get involved more. I would ask your own father about this guy.

Boyfriend’s concern with seeking an access order is it is tricky for him to commit to any specific schedule at this point in time. How would it likely work in these circumstances?

It wouldn't. Not for the girls at least.

You might want to meet them because you're thinking about settling in the UK in two years. But that's a lifetime in their life and you can just meet them then. Think about their needs, encourage him to as well.

If he left the country after having them? He's not a commited parent at all.

Stay out of it and let him hire a solicitor to get access if he wants to and don't plan on meeting them until he has

My advice is to let him take his kids out without you.

If you don't even live in the same country as them, why do you need to meet them?

If his ex is being difficult, it's not like she's going to let them go with him to the Middle East to stay at your house, is it?

Therefore you don't need to meet them.

Keep out of anything to do with the kids. You don't even live in the same country as them.

From the ex's point of view:

My useless ex spends barely any time with my 4 and 9 yo girls. I parent alone for months on end but when he graces us with his presence he wants access immediately on his terms. The girls barely know him and find this all or nothing really hard. Upset when he arrives, devastated when he leaves again. Now he is planning to use the very small amount of time he has with them to introduce his GF. A stranger when he's barely more than a stranger himself. More confusion and loss for them. What should I do?

He’s a piss-poor father. He’s barely in the same country as his children. How does he expect to form any sort of meaningful relationship with them if he’s never there?

Is this really a man you want to have a life with?