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Original poster

Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

258 replies

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 07:41

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:15

Oh I see. But at Reception fees are still unlikely to be 6.5k a term unless it includes nursery for younger dn or is a high profile school. They may even get EY funding to offset the cost until dn turns 5. If they later attend the same school sil works at she may get a discount.

You say you are resentful. What would you hope they might do to redress your perceived imbalance?

6k a term is pretty normal in London

Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 07:40

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

Secondary school, OP has addressed that and said they will get reduced fee at secondary school age.

Up to your parents how they spend their money but your brother is a piss taker taking that kind of money from family when he’s living mortgage free and is already wealthy. My mum would never give that kind of money to one child and not the other. I mean fair enough she might do the same for your children but what if you don’t have any? I’d be annoyed that your brother can clearly afford this, and the fact 2 sets of parents are helping pay for a private primary (imo a waste of money) is a joke. So yeah you’re not being unreasonable to feel annoyed about this

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 07:28

violetposie · 07/07/2024 07:23

Get a grip 😂 anyone who begrudges grandparents leaving money to their own grandchildren in a will is grabby and beyond reason.

Show quote history

Oh sorry.
I forgot to mention that I was joking for those more sensitive on the site.

Meadowfinch · 07/07/2024 07:27

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

YABU. They are loving grandparents who have spare money and want to see their grand daughters have the same advantages that you had.

It's their money to spend as they wish. None of your business.

Some grandparents see it as a good thing to do because their dgcs benefit directly. Paying for a child's house can sometimes result in a spouse taking half on divorce.

LoveWine123 · 07/07/2024 07:23

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

The wife works in a private secondary, not primary. So no discount at primary level.

violetposie · 07/07/2024 07:23

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 06:50

Grandparents just looove their grandchildren.
Wait until you see the “revised will.”

Get a grip 😂 anyone who begrudges grandparents leaving money to their own grandchildren in a will is grabby and beyond reason.

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

northernballer · 07/07/2024 07:18

Are you upset that they might leave themselves short of money or that your not getting any cash yourself?

My parents recently paid for my niece to have a non urgent operation done privately to avoid the NHS wait. Never occurred to me to ask for the equivalent cash sum for myself, bizarre behaviour.

PieonaBarm · 07/07/2024 07:16

I'm childless and my DB has two DC's. Not in private school but I know my DP's helped with nursery fees and other costs. Whilst not the same monetary value as your situation probably relative in terms is salaries for both DB and DP's. I honestly couldn't care less, it's for the benefit of my DN's. In going to nursery but also in the lifestyle and opportunities my DB could then give them with the extra help. My DP's could leave their Grandchildren every single penny they have if they chose to. It's their money to do with as they see fit and I have no automatic entitlement to a single penny of it, and they know my thoughts on this.

tuvamoodyson · 07/07/2024 07:02

pizzaHeart · 07/07/2024 00:24

This^ maybe in a softer way but still this. If you won’t have kids there is a big chance that later your parent will consider you as a free pair of hands to take them to the hospital or anything similar.

Show quote history

Yes…and because they paid your niece's/nephews school fees, you must never, ever help out in any way by taking them to hospital or something similar!! Is this how people really think?? OP, it’s their money, they can take it into the garden and put a match to it if they wish, it’s not your business! YABVU.

Inthemosquitogarden · 07/07/2024 07:01

YANBU. The grandparents need to be even handed. We get £x per month from PIL, which we put toward private school fees. In the interests of fairness, child free sister in law gets the exact same amount which helps subsidise her mortgage payments and her masters course.

edited to fix pre coffee typos

Bestyearever2024 · 07/07/2024 06:56

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 06:50

Grandparents just looove their grandchildren.
Wait until you see the “revised will.”

This is an excellent point

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 06:50

Grandparents just looove their grandchildren.
Wait until you see the “revised will.”

user2207 · 07/07/2024 06:33

Why would you feel entitled to other people's money? The parents gave you a good start, paid for your eduction and now can spend their money as they wish. Should they ask for your permission to spend what they have and earned? As long as they have some savings for the future for pension and care, they can spend it on their grandchild, their neighbour's cat or however they wish it. Most grandparents would happily help their grandchildren if they have the opportunity. If your parents were providing some care for their grandchildren for free, would you feel the need for the equivalent cost of the care they are saving your brother to be paid to you? Where would this counting stop?
If you actually needed the money (unable to pay your mortgate, long term illness, needed benefits, etc) and they refused to help you but instead paid for the grandchildren, that would probably feel unfair. But you have a job and are able to stand on your two feet.

Bestyearever2024 · 07/07/2024 06:31

It feels to you as though its money for wealthy DB

And it kind of is as it will help DB each month

However your parents see it as money directly to the grandchild , to help and support the grandchild...... NOT money for DB

What would your parents say if you asked for the same amount of money to be saved/invested, by them, for YOUR child ......and should you not have a child, your parents can then decide what to do with that money ?

NotARealWookiie · 07/07/2024 06:31

If they have a lot of money, they might also be looking for ways to gift it so that it can be shared with family without eventually being subject to inheritance tax. This way niece and nephew can have some.

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 06:28

Who knows but let it go, it’s simply not your business. Even if you have children and you choose to privately educate them your parents still don’t owe you a contribution. Does that feel fair, I’m sure it doesn’t but it’s the truth. I find more and more adult children are upset these days as their parents are not giving them what they feel they should ie free child care, money etc or resentful/worries as they are giving these things to a sibling. It’s just not their business how adults choose to spend their time or money

Honestly the above is bizarre, of course it’s unfair if parents pay for one set of gcs school fees but not the other or give one dc a house deposit and not the other or provide babysitting for one gc but not the other. Some people have pretty odd family dynamics and expectations it seems.

Funfaxfan · 07/07/2024 06:21

I completely understand, they don't need it and are getting this huge gift while you sit on a mortgage. I'd be annoyed too.

The easiest thing to do here is just accept your dB is the favourite and try to move on from there and assume it will never be evened up. If it is it'll be a nice surprise but dont spend years ruminating.

Bunnie007 · 07/07/2024 06:20

I think that you need to start from the point of view that nobody owes you anything, and what your parents choose to do with their money is absolutely not your business. I am sure they have thought about their own financial future, and even if they haven’t this again is not your business. Perhaps paying towards their grandchildren’s school fees is about keeping up with the in laws, perhaps it gives them a great deal of satisfaction and pride to be able to contribute, perhaps your brother sold them a sob story. Who knows but let it go, it’s simply not your business. Even if you have children and you choose to privately educate them your parents still don’t owe you a contribution. Does that feel fair, I’m sure it doesn’t but it’s the truth. I find more and more adult children are upset these days as their parents are not giving them what they feel they should ie free child care, money etc or resentful/worries as they are giving these things to a sibling. It’s just not their business how adults choose to spend their time or money. I assume it’s because people are still caught up in the family dynamics or ‘he got more sweets so you love him more’ from their childhoods. Step back and allow yourself to let it go. You will be so much happier

Sondheimisademigod · 07/07/2024 06:17

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

Why would you even ask if your brother's children were being state or privately educated? That's a question few of us would immediately think of, let alone ask a grandparent rather than the parent of the child...
It seems you've built up a lot of resenntment about their finances; you mentioned the wealth of the parents of your SIL, and that she was able to sell a property...
Money really does bring our people's true colours. Generally, they aren't pretty

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 06:15

How arrogant. You have no idea what they spend their income on. £150pa can soon disappear in London.

usually on a mortgage though.

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 06:14

@Sondheimisademigod yes I would, my parents and in-laws are very open and have already gifted myself, DH and siblings money. It would never cross their mind to be unequal and they have always stressed things must be equal, eg the siblings that aren’t married have the same money for them. Everyone got a house deposit etc.

Sondheimisademigod · 07/07/2024 06:11

cherish123 · 07/07/2024 02:10

They should be giving you the same. You ate missing out and it cuts out of your inheritance. If your DB earns 150k, he doesn't need help with school fees.

How arrogant. You have no idea what they spend their income on. £150pa can soon disappear in London.
The judgements about salary on here are so incredibly rude, resentful, and bitter.

Money really does drive so many people on MN. Not in a nice way

Sondheimisademigod · 07/07/2024 06:05

MsCactus · 07/07/2024 00:14

And would they have enough money to contribute the same if you went on to have say four kids? Those would be my questions to them.

Show quote history

You really would sit down and ask your parents that question??

Sondheimisademigod · 07/07/2024 06:02

ChooChoooo · 06/07/2024 23:10

Somewhat beside the point but I want to know what their outgoings are if they are earning in excess of 200K, live mortgage free yet still need 50% of their DD’s school fees paying!

You want to know their outgoings...
Wow, that's something else. Makes no difference to the OPs point
Just batshit level nosiness
"I want to know their outgoings..." 😂😂

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