Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

I get it o/p. It’s not even the money, so much, it’s the inequality.

we recently found out in laws have been paying 2x dn school fees. They’d even kept it secret.

we do have kids, no such offer was made for ours. When we had money issues no offer of help. We didn’t ask of course, but it burns to discover gp paid several hundred thousand for one set of grandkids and watched the others go without.

it’s basically a fuck you.

If they wanted their children privately educated, they should have set aside £££ k from their £3M windfall before buying a house ?

Amazingly greedy of your brother and SIL!

I think envy is a really unattractive emotion, one you shouldn’t display so casually and more one you should work on. You’re not entitled to your parents money and they can chose to spend it as they please. Put your hand back in your pocket. It’s nice they are supporting their grandkids.

You were privately educated as well as your brother. Why can’t you get your money up instead of focusing on money that isn’t yours?

The fact that you’re only choosing to respond to posts that are asking about fees is very telling

None of your business, how your parents chose to spend their money. Lots of GP pay private school fees for their GC.

I am for fairness but as you do not have children this situation is not comparable at all.

If you have children and they do not contribute towards school fees then you have a case of unfairness.

DH and I are better off than our sibling groups and though it’s obvious on some levels, they have no real idea. The fact you know about her inheritance and are whining about it is the reason we never share details of our finances. Everyone is about to be curious as to why we have been able to retire early in a few months. It’s none of their business.

I'd imagine your parents get pleasure from making a contribution. They probably also wanted to match what the other grandparents give.

I doubt they sat down and thought whether they were giving equally to both children.

I would be peeved but ultimately it's their money.

Someone else has said this but it really does depend how they view their grandchildren. They are their own people. Perhaps they see it as doing something for their grandchildren and not for the parents. They want to see the grandchildren directly benefit from the money.

They are entitled to chose to spend money as they will. My grandparents said they would support anything educational and helped out with various things like music lessons, extra tutoring and university fees when they felt extra money was needed With me and my cousins. They would never have given money to help pay mortgages or to fund expensive weddings. They just put a big value on education but knew they couldn't fund everything.

So the equivalent scenario would be your parents specifically giving the money for a house purchase, and giving it when the child is buying a home rather than just giving them cash at the same time to fritter.
So one sibling might get their cash 8 years later, just as one sibling might get cash for their wedding 8 years later because the other sibling got married earlier.

OP’s parents are only in their 50s, it sounds like the brother is several years older. OP is married and may still have children, she’s unsure not child free. There is absolutely nothing to suggest the GP wouldn’t pay for OP’s children’s fees too, or that it wouldn’t come back around at a later time for something specific.

This has all blown up because OP is jealous of her brother, is obsessed with what he earns and how much his wife’s parents help them out.

They are contributing to their grandchild’s education really here rather than your brother so I don’t see this as unfairness. They may have wanted to do this irrespective of his earnings as part of their desire to support any grandchildren. It’s hardly their fault you chose not to have kids but it doesn’t mean you somehow have a right to any unused money based on this. I can see how you are thinking here but I think it’s up to your parents how they want to use their money. If you feel you are struggling and want to ask for their support, then just have a conversation with them but I’d keep your niece out if it. Obviously if they have indicated if you had children they would not contribute to their education in the same way then that could be felt as unfair, although it isn’t a given that they would be able to fund unlimited grandkids!

@Coffeerum I had a significant 6 figure cash gift as a house deposit before I was 30 as did my siblings so I’m not that impoverished.

And as part of tax planning it makes sense to gift the equivalent to the OP now surely?

It’s up to them how they spend their money. You sound quite obsessed - stop trying to guess people’s income, outgoings, family relationships and school fees.

Then simply put you don’t have any understanding of families with any considerable wealth.
There is no point from a financial planning point of view to wait 20/30 years and have this money via inheritance and then subject to tax.
Its firstly extremely tax efficient for the GP to put money towards private education, and in private education circles many GP’s view it as part of their responsibility to pay towards their GC’s future if they are able, and OPs parents clearly sound able and willing.

@Heatherbell1978 DHs siblings don’t have dc and are unlikely too. In-laws have made noises around paying towards our dc education but have made it clear it will bed deducted from future inheritance. Wouldn’t expect anything less.

YANBU. I really think parents should treat children equally when it comes to money.

If your DB was struggling financially then I can understand if your parents took you aside and told you their intention was to help him and his family out. But in this case, you're the one I would expect them to help, if anyone.

I would be resentful too. I think more towards DB tbh for taking money that he doesn't need.

@Coffeerum but it doesn’t say what the brother said? How do you know he didn’t ask? I think it’s weird to accept the money when you have inherited a 3m house and earn well so we will have to disagree.

I think this is potentially very outing @EriDaCat as you’ve been quite specific with the details provided.

I think your parents are being generous and want to contribute to their grandchildren’s education. I think this would only really be an issue if they were not showing the same generosity to your children.

@Spirallingdownwards I was also wondering perhaps your own grandparents contributed tk your own school fees but you never realised it and that your parents are in fact paying it forward.

This could be very likely. While 25% of a considerable chunk OPs parents might still have had to stretch themselves to pay the rest.

It’s actually more common for GP to pay towards private education than not. It’s the whole thing with generational wealth.

I get your frustration here. My DS is about to start private school which we will be funding but DM has said she will act as 'back up' for DDs fees in 5 years time (secondary only). I'm hoping we don't need her to help us but I've said that if we do, she deducts it from my inheritance as I'm one of four siblings. Now, none of my siblings have kids and aren't likely to. And are way more wealthy as singletons than we are! So I doubt they'd care to be honest but from a fairness perspective that feels right.
I'd be suggesting the same to be honest in your position.

If were in your parents place I’d be pretty upset that BOTH of my kids despite being privately educated and have good jobs still feel the need to want and accept money from me. With all of your privilege at this stage in life neither of you should be relying on or wanting financial assistance from your parents.

I agree with this in principle but it isn’t a DCs responsibility to pay their nursery fees, which OP said half of this money will cover. DB would have to pay this either way, so they are essentially giving money to DB for no benefit of that DC.

If they were paying for school fees only you could see it as something to benefit DN who might not otherwise have the opportunity to go to private school.

However, in this case it sounds like DB can easily afford private schooling too. My DB is also a dentist, his wife is a SAHM and they send two children to private school on top of the mortgage on a £1.3m house with no financial help. This family have two incomes and no mortgage after inheriting £3m.

I suspect DN would be sent to private school either way and the money is just saving the parents money.

Because simply put these are choices I can make and I don't need to be dictated to by anyone.

The reality is I wouldn't change my will but I also wouldn't not spend the money how I see fit and if someone wrote me a hissy fit letter like this then I would make it clear to then they have no say and I am less than impressed with their view that I can't spend money on my grandchildren.

Right where it says it.
“This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees.”

The grandparents are specifically paying a set amount towards school fees because private education is something they value. Theres nothing to suggest they’ve been unfair with them type of help they’ve offered both children up to no, ie helped one with a house deposit and not the other, paid for uni fees for one child and expected the other to get a loan.
From the GP’s perspective it’s quite different them choosing to pay for the private schooling specifically and say giving the OP £1000 a month to inflate her spending. They value the private education, not paying for a holiday every month for their adult child.

I can’t see anything to suggest if OP had children they wouldn’t also be offered fees towards their education.

There used to be tax advantages to grandparents paying for grandchildren school fees from income. I am not sure if this is still the case but perhaps it reduces their liability.

I was also wondering perhaps your own grandparents contributed tk your own school fees but you never realised it and that your parents are in fact paying it forward.

Either way their money their choice and nothing to do with you

They are doing it to contribute the same as the other grandparent - fair as they don’t want their granddaughters growing up thinking only one side contributed and enabled their family to live a comfortable life. They want to show the other side of the coin that they have worked hard to be successful themselves and still be able to pay yours and some of their granddaughters private education. They will also be doing it for tax reasons. This is all fair, it’s not about the here and now - older people think more about their legacy naturally. The only conversation you should be having is what they intend to do if you have kids, and it should be from the perspective of if they do can they still afford their own care etc. This is not about you, it’s about them and their grandkids.