Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

@EriDaCat you're resentful that they're not paying the equivalent sum to you? Or you doubt that if you had children they'd do the same?

I don't understand why they felt the need to tell you at all tbh. I have no idea what if anything my siblings/their children get from my parents, only what they're kind enough to give to us.

@tuvamoodyson I will never let my in-laws or parents pay for lunch, shopping etc. they have given us hundreds of thousands. And as I’ve said I wouldn’t take money for dc or not that my siblings didn’t get but again maybe it’s cultural.

Yes, I can see how that is comparable

Your parents can spend their money how they wish. The only expectation you can have really is equity and that means that should you have grandchildren they should be treated the same way (financial circumstances permitting) not that you get the equivalent cash they are spending on their grandchildren because you don't have any kids.

What my parents do with their money is their business, you sound either very entitled or childish I can't work out which

Not unusual at all in SW london. Where I live in the area this is the minimum. Many schools charge the same and several more (schools round here include Broomwood, Finton House, Hornsby House, Thomas’s, Eaton House the Manor)

No part funding exists to my knowledge

I'm in utter disbelief at comments like this. Surely no one would actually say this to their parents?!

Their parents have supported them enough! Now they want to treat their grandchildren. Yes, there is a benefit to the son in that he doesn't have to pay that 25% portion of the school fees, but OP doesn't have any school fees to pay either, so they're equal on that front.

My parents have helped my nieces and nephews with things like this for the last ten years, I would never ever ever turn around and say "well, where's my hand out?". How utterly grotesque! One of my siblings is a bit like that though, hence why they aren't an executor or POA!

This sounds sensible.

OP, I think it is probably a case of them seeing your niece/nephew as separate relatives they want to help. I would hope that if you had children, they would treat yours the same.

An example, my mum gives a lot of money to her grandchildren (my children). She doesn’t give an equal amount to my sibling because she sees her grandchildren as separate people who she likes to give things to. If my sibling had children it’d be different.

That actually is unequal. But it's not akin to the OPs situation.

I'm with you OP. It would annoy me too. If I were the brother I wouldn't accept the money.
He's the one being grabby

I don't know sounds like @CableCar is so strong and able to make peace with it though

I would ask if they will do the same for you when you have children. If they won't be able to, they should not be doing it for the other two grandkids...as it just will not be fair. And tbh it does not seem fair if they are mortgage free to make your parents pay for the school when they can pay for it.

Hmmm not sure, I mean, the money I presume will go straight to the children rather than to them to spend on themselves if that makes sense. As you don’t have children it’s hard to make a comparison. I guess to make it fair then they should pledge to pay your kids school fees if you ever have children. I would be pissed off if they gave £6.5 k to them to help with COL crisis or whatever and would want the same, but as this money if really for their children I am not sure 🤷‍♀️

because they didn't like his protected characteristic?? Jeez you're a stronger person than I.

how does one get over that?!

However, I am also over what my parents did as time is a healer because they didn't like his protected characteristic?? Jeez you're a stronger person than I.

The jealousy drips from your words. Poison.

Jealous of a child.

Our situation is on a much smaller scale but my parents offered to pay for musical instrument lessons for their grandchildren. It's something they prize highly and paid for both me and my brother during childhood. I have three kids, my brother has one. My parents are very careful about fairness of spending. But this is them paying for something for each grandchild not something they are paying for us. So they don't feel the need to give my brother extra money to make up for it.

I get the feelings completely. My parents gave my brother £50,000 towards a house deposit that they didn't ever give to me, nor will I see it in their will... Only because they disagreed with my getting married so young to my DH. DH and I are happily married for over 10 years now, with lovely DC, stable jobs etc... no reason other than they wouldn't have chosen him for me themselves because of protected characteristics, so they make that known by not helping us out financially like they did my brother. It hurts when family do that. However, I am also over what my parents did as time is a healer. I said it was unfair at the time and called them out on it... They stuck to their plan and didn't change anything. Eventually I got over it. Tbh if I were you I'd be bold and bring it up and ask if they'd considered helping you out like they're helping your brother out financially... The difficulty is how do they see it... do they see it as saving your brother on school fees each month so he has more money for other things in life, or do they see it as investing in their grandchildren. Be prepared that they'll say the later. At the end of the day, imo, it's right for parents to treat their children fairly.

I think it is a bit tacky and grabby of your bro and SIL to actually accept the money considering they are mortgage free on his salary. If you are right they feel they must contribute the same as the other grandparents, it is really shameful your brother is accepting it.

My parents motto is 'what you give to one you have to give to all' but obviously this happens in different life contexts. When my brother got married they didn't give us all money but when each of us got married we got the same. As you don't have children it is not comparable right now.

All you can do is accept your parents are generous people who want to support their children and grandchildren and make sure they don't feel pressured to give this money.

It's their money. Why are you treating your parents as if they don't understand what they are doing? Are you concerned they can't manage their own finances?

The parents are treating the kids equally

Maybe that’s the difference. I don’t think it’s equal to help one dc with bills/disposable income vs another. Yes it’s for the gc but the brother does benefit too.

Maybe they have told your brother that anything they have given him whilst alive comes out of his share of the estate when they have gone?

But I see it as spending on their grandchildren. And your choosing not to have children is exactly that - your choice.

I think that’s different. Not treating the grandkids equally. The parents are treating the kids equally. Just the op also wants what the grandkids get.

@Coffeerum we got everything at the same age, so my sister isn’t married but still got 30k at 25. Brother got house deposit at the same age but didn’t buy till 6 yrs later as didn’t want to be tied to a house.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest the GP wouldn’t pay for OP’s children’s fees too, or that it wouldn’t come back around at a later time for something specific.

There is nothing to suggest that they would though but I think it’s fine for the OP to ask the question.

Also what’s to say the money will be there in the future if the OP does have dc? Who knows what tax implications or care costs will look like in the future.

This has all blown up because OP is jealous of her brother, is obsessed with what he earns and how much his wife’s parents help them out.

Whereas I read it as the OP feels like she could do with money now too & feels she is being treated unfairly. One of my cousins is rich, earns 7 figures but my aunt & uncle still split their estate 3 ways. When he received his share he paid for a luxury group holiday for all of us & what was left went back to his other siblings as he didn’t need it. That’s what his parents would have wanted but would never leave him out. I suppose that’s why it feels alien to me & maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m not English) re attitudes to money & fairness. 🤷🏻‍♀️