Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

Op was sibling rivalry, envy over your brother a thing as you were children ?

I think what you’re missing here is this is for the grandkids, not your brother. Yes it means he pays less for school fees, but this is your parents supporting their grandkids,

where as you’re looking at it as he’s getting something so you want it too.

"Not obligated to" - of course not. Neither are parents obligated to foster a relationship between their children and those who treat them as second best. Reducing our lives to strictly enforceable obligations is rarely advisable,

If they were to emotionally manipulate OP into sending her hypothetical children to a private school when OP either would not have ordinarily have chosen to, or was not in a financial position to, but refuse to contribute despite providing financial assistance to her brother, then I might agree.

My point to the PP however was that they are not obliged to make provision now, for potential future grandchildren. If they happen to be in a polar opposite financial position by the time OP had children and they came of school age, that's life. Which is why if OP one day wishes to have children and feels as though it is essential that they attend a private school, she needs to ensure she is able to fund this independently without expectation of contribution from anyone else. If her parents then choose to help out, that's an added bonus.

As unpopular as an opinion as it may be, parents are not obligated to financially support adult children; neither is it their responsibility to make financial contribution towards their adult children's life choices to have children themselves.

It's a bit OT to go into more detail, but I don't see them often anymore... We don't have a lot to do with them and we definitely have our boundaries in place with them. It's awful really. But I'm happy in life and just think they're the sad ones.

Then, as scathing as I am of OP currently, that would be deeply problematic and she should take whatever steps necessary to protect her hypothetical children form such disgusting favoritism.

Her parents value private schooling, they want to fund it for their grandchildren. That's their prerogative. She doesn't get to demand mortgage payments to balance that, or stomp her feet to compete directly with a 4 year old. But my children would be nowhere near grandparents who thought they less worthy of investment than their cousins,

As an independent adult without severe disabilities, you really shouldn't want or need support (financial or otherwise) on the same level as a four year old.

Your nieces are their own people, your parents are helping your brother to provide something for them. They don't see it as giving to your brother.

But they don't "need" to provide equal contribution, though.

It’s bizarre isn’t it! This poster is going on about how it’s so grabby that the brother would accept the offer and she would never even accept lunch from MIL yet also claims she’s had hundreds of thousands of pounds in parental handouts.

I can’t believe there are people who don’t think grandchildren are people close to the grandparents in their own right and anything spent on grandchildren needs to be equalised to the other adult child.

@Cuppapuppa - you are correct, but my point was, OP only assumes the DB is on £150k. I find, especially within families, that a lot of ‘assumptions’ don’t always turn out to be reality. He might only be on £100k for all she knows. People don’t tend to broadcast this type of thing.

Well it is for the children as they will be the ones going to school.

You’ve already had hundreds of thousands!!! It’s a lunch!

they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.
Well, let me see, they don't go to private if daddy can't afford it without handouts.

@tuvamoodyson you get it now, which is why I see the brother as grabby!

How do you make it fair in terms of spending equal time with your dc? Do you really need that explaining? In terms of money my family would save the equivalent for a sibling particularly if they were so unequal wealth wise.

If they start giving OP £1k a month should the brother then say it isn't fair, his sister is getting £1k a month, his kids are getting £1k a month and he's getting nothing?

That doesn’t make any sense to me but I see any benefit to my dc as a benefit to me but you can feel differently 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, if they’ve given you hundreds of thousands you’re entitled to pay for lunch!

How do you make it equal? They are paying school fees, OP doesn't have children so no school fees to pay. If they start giving OP £1k a month should the brother then say it isn't fair, his sister is getting £1k a month, his kids are getting £1k a month and he's getting nothing? Where does it stop?

It is amazing isn't it, the absolute cheek of people who think they have the right to dictate what other adults do with their own money. Wouldn't it be lovely if OP thought how great it is that her beloved niece was getting this opportunity. Spite to a 4 year old just isn't a nice look is it.

As a grandparent I always wonder if people realise that doing this or whatever you can afford for a grandchild is actually a joy for the grandparents. I don't have loads of money but I've always done lots of childcare, people often comment on it and they just don't seem to get the fact that I love helping my kids, love being with my GC and am happy to help.

I think it’s understandable that it doesn’t feel fair (especially as your brother’s wealth is largely unearned) but YAB a bit U. But surely you can see that you have both made choices along the way too?

I am on the other side of the coin (for now) and envy has seriously damaged the good relationship that I previously had with one of my siblings.

We all had a similar level of education and opportunity. We all married young but my siblings both married people from working-class backgrounds (no disrespect, just being factual) who were quite open about not being ambitious and went on to choose occupations that have traditionally had low to medium pay. In the subsequent decades neither spouse has really gone for promotion or increased earning opportunities. One, in fact, even retrained into a profession where you can be expected to work without pay! My siblings aren’t poor (both work) but neither has much money to spare.

In contrast, at a very young age, I fell in love with and married someone who was the polar opposite of their spouses, a very ambitious young man from an immigrant background, who grew up poor but had big plans. He is now a high earner and, due to this (plus jointly taking some big risks with building projects, which paid off) we live a very nice lifestyle. I work too, in a socially-useful sphere.

But the relationship with one of my siblings never recovered from the moment when they realised that I had something that they couldn’t afford. It was written all over their face when they saw it. I loved them, was still the same person and was welcoming them to my home, but somehow they could no longer see that. It was no coincidence that a huge row blew up during that visit. We are ok, but our paths have diverged and we will clearly never be as close as we once were.

Another thing to bear in mind is that things can change. Who knows what the future holds? My marriage has been rocky at times, so my own circumstances might change in the future. Your brother might get divorced and find himself living in a substantially different way. Try to hang on to the fact that he is your brother, above anything else.

£6k per term for 2 children going forwards is over £36k per year - out of post tax income, not £150k. The fees could well amount to about half of his net income.

Yes they are lucky they have no mortgage because if they did, they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.

150k income after tax is 90k so 36k can’t be half his net income? And they don’t have a mortgage and have other gps contributing so it’s a lot more affordable.

Yeah that's a different situation

What do you think they should do OP?
Pay you a £1000 a month toward your mortgage?
Not give your brother any money?

@CableCar
Are you saying your parents are racists? if so this is abhorrent, your forgiveness is admirable.

Personally, I think treating both siblings equally when they’re kids is normal but it surely stops at adulthood when parents can choose how to spend their time and money.

Why would it be normal to spend time and money unequally on dc once they are adults? I get it from a logistical perspective or if one had a disability etc but if you had good relationships why would you not be equal?

Hi OP, You don’t say his old you are or how much older your brother is? Also, do you live in the NE, or are you in London like him?

Has this offer come about very recently? It sounds as if they might have been talking about the extra 20% (or something approximating to that) that’s going to be added to school fees? Your parents have effectively offered to pay the additional per child? Also, if the other set of grandparents are paying 25%, I could see how they would want to match that.

You say you think your DB is on £150k per annum but you don’t actually know this. Maybe he’s not? Even if he is, his actual net pay will obviously be a fraction of that.

£6k per term for 2 children going forwards is over £36k per year - out of post tax income, not £150k. The fees could well amount to about half of his net income.

Yes they are lucky they have no mortgage because if they did, they would barely afford school fees on his salary. Her part-time teacher salary will not make much difference.

A lot of people wouldn’t accept such a financial commitment from parents - they’d say, no, keep it for your retirement, but clearly your DB is not one of these!

I’m sure if you did have kids they would offer the same? Otherwise that would be ridiculous, But maybe they think you have decided not to? I don’t know what you’ve told them or how old you are?