Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

258 replies

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:15

Oh I see. But at Reception fees are still unlikely to be 6.5k a term unless it includes nursery for younger dn or is a high profile school. They may even get EY funding to offset the cost until dn turns 5. If they later attend the same school sil works at she may get a discount.

You say you are resentful. What would you hope they might do to redress your perceived imbalance?

Attheendoftheday86 · 06/07/2024 22:15

I get it OP, just doesn't feel very fair. Your brother is benefitting from your parents when he already has a very comfortable life and your circumstances are quite different.

I guess the question is what would you want to happen from here. You're options are really

A) you speak to your parents and ask them to stop the school fee idea
B) you speak to your parents and ask them to also gift you some money towards your mortgage each month
C) you say nothing and carry on

None of them sound very appealing apart from C. But obviously it's your choice.
What's your relationship like with your parents? Could you have an open conversation with them about how you feel? Nothing has to come from it other than they have an understanding of where you are in this.

Laboheme78 · 06/07/2024 22:13

I do understand you feeling this way, but maybe they view this more as helping their grandchild rather than their son? It sounds like they really value private education and they want their grandchildren to have the same experience their children had. Maybe they are also gifting the money for tax reasons? Perhaps long term you might find that when they look at inheritance they might take the money they have given your brother into account? But essentially it is their money. Also they may well do the same for you - but currently you don’t have children so they probably don’t see the situations as comparable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2024 22:11

I suppose it depends on whether you see children as part of their parents or individual people. My Mum and Dad are scrupulously fair with money between my brother and me. He got cash when I got some for my wedding for example (he won't marry). But they see DD as a person in her own right so they can give her things and not my brother.

If your parents see it as giving your nieces a good start, they can see that as separate to you.

Original poster
EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:10

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:09

How old is dn? I doubt a preprep school in the NE is 6.5k a term.

DN is 4, my parents are in the NE but my brother is in SW London.

OP posts:
LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:09

How old is dn? I doubt a preprep school in the NE is 6.5k a term.

PalePurplePumpkin · 06/07/2024 22:07

YABU, unless you're happy for people to poke their noses into how you choose to spend yours?

Anxiousmuch · 06/07/2024 22:02

It's you're parents' money they can spend it however they want.

Sounds like you and your brother have both been pretty privileged and still feel entitled to their money. Which is is weird, you're an adult.

Your parents didn't work any harder or make any bigger sacrifices than people who don't earn enough to send the or children to private school. Sending children to private school is only the choice of the most affluent in society..

Swipe left for the next trending thread