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Original poster

Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

258 replies

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

OP posts:
Cuppapuppa · 06/07/2024 22:42

Its their money and they do not NEED to do anything!

Its not normal to give lots of money to one dc but not the other & normally causes friction.

stichguru · 06/07/2024 22:41

The only principle here is it is your parent's money and they can do what they want with it!

Cuppapuppa · 06/07/2024 22:41

Surely your DB doesn’t need the money as I assume they have 200k plus coming in & are mortgage free. Have you asked for the equivalent money?

SlebBB · 06/07/2024 22:41

Badgerandfox227 · 06/07/2024 22:26

I think I’d want to know that they plan to provide the same amount for your children, if you went on to have any, increased for inflation. Have they considered that you might have children in the future and that they would need to provide an equal contribution?

Its their money and they do not NEED to do anything!

Chickenuggetsticks · 06/07/2024 22:41

I would say that some grandparents are very motivated to make sure their grandkids are comfortable. I only have one DD who is not going to be having kids for decades yet and I’m fairly sure I would chuck money at my grandkids if I had them.

From their perspective you don’t have kids, whatever wealth your brother builds will be going to their grandkids, it’s an investment in the quality of their grandkids lives from their perspective. if you had children I’m fairly sure they would do the same for you.

You see it as a gift to your brother, they probably see it as a gift to their grandkids.

Perhaps an honest conversation is in order but I would warn you that they probably would see you as a bit grabby (unfairly). Perhaps of you lay it out in stark financial terms without emotion it would help. I would also say make sure if you do decide to talk to them to be clear that you see it as subbing your brother and try not to mention the kids.

GiveOverAndOver · 06/07/2024 22:40

Paying someone's mortgage is different to helping fund your grandkids education though. YABU to have resentment for what your parents choose to do with their money.

SleepPrettyDarling · 06/07/2024 22:37

It’s a huge commitment that they are signing up to, as they will feel obliged to see her the whole way through primary (minimum), and it would be unfair to not offer the same opportunity to the younger niece, and any other grandchildren that come along,

Noseybookworm · 06/07/2024 22:36

Isn't it your parents choice what they do with their money? If they want to pay towards their granddaughter's education that's up to them. Presumably they would do the same for your children should you have any? Frankly, I think it's pretty intrusive for you all to know so much about each other's finances. It's not really any of your business 🤷‍♀️

Arconialiving · 06/07/2024 22:31

I'd feel aggrieved too in your position Op as it seems very unfair. Not sure what you can do though other than ask if they're planning to do the same for any DCs you may have!

Luxell934 · 06/07/2024 22:31

You were privately educated along with your brother, you both have had the same opportunities. Why can't you earn more?

violetposie · 06/07/2024 22:28

It sounds like your parents have a load of money and want to spend some of it on their grandkids private education, which they clearly value highly hence making sacrifices to send you and your brother.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I appreciate your resentment and venting on an anonymous forum is fine, but I think you'd be unreasonable to put this to your parents.

Sirzy · 06/07/2024 22:27

If your parents can afford it then it’s up to them how they spend it. If you had children and they didn’t offer the same then you would have more of a point.

Yousaidwhatagain · 06/07/2024 22:27

I agree with you op. It's wrong for your db to be taking so much from them when they seem to easily afford it, but it also seems like your dp's want to compete with her parents. However otoh, she was able to provide a mortar free home for their family, so maybe your db feels like he needs to contribute extra and that is why he is taking from your parents.
I would just stay out of their arrangements as this plan sounds like it will go wrong down the line.

Badgerandfox227 · 06/07/2024 22:26

I think I’d want to know that they plan to provide the same amount for your children, if you went on to have any, increased for inflation. Have they considered that you might have children in the future and that they would need to provide an equal contribution?

Original poster
EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:26

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:21

Very unusual ime. They still might get funding during part or all of Reception though.

Fair enough I’ve just looked at 5 schools in their area, one was £5,500 , a couple between £6,250/6,500 and one at £7,000 so doesn’t seem that odd or high for their area.

OP posts:
Original poster
EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:25

CelesteCunningham · 06/07/2024 22:23

I would hugely resent a wealthy sibling taking so much money from comfortable but less wealthy parents. Your brother is taking the absolute piss.

I don't know that you personally are being hard done by as such, assuming they will do the same for your DC if you go on to have them (whether you would feel you could accept is another thing...).

I’m not sure my parents are any worse off than my brother to be honest. However that isn’t actually the point it’s more the principle of it.

OP posts:
edpsychfedup · 06/07/2024 22:24

Not everyone gets handouts from their parents.

CelesteCunningham · 06/07/2024 22:23

I would hugely resent a wealthy sibling taking so much money from comfortable but less wealthy parents. Your brother is taking the absolute piss.

I don't know that you personally are being hard done by as such, assuming they will do the same for your DC if you go on to have them (whether you would feel you could accept is another thing...).

VestPantsandSocks · 06/07/2024 22:21

Ask them if they will be paying for your children as well when you have them......

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:21

Very unusual ime. They still might get funding during part or all of Reception though.

WhitegreeNcandle · 06/07/2024 22:21

Ouch. I’d be sad too. Fine if they said to me “if you ever have kids we’ll do the same”. Fair enough then. But it sounds like they might not be the wealthiest people on the planet and paying for 4 is very different to paying for 2.

If you don’t have kids and they don’t even it up come inheritance then that is their money and their choice to spend it that way. Hard to feel ok about that but I don’t think o could comment on it.

I think I would be saying a cheeky little “what will happen if I have 3 kids then mum” just to see what their thoughts are.

Original poster
EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:19

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:17

At reception or in the prep school?

For “Kindergarten” to Y6 it is the same all through

Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees
OP posts:
Topofthemountain · 06/07/2024 22:19

Is there not tax implications for gifting them that kind of money?

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:17

At reception or in the prep school?

Original poster
EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:17

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:15

Oh I see. But at Reception fees are still unlikely to be 6.5k a term unless it includes nursery for younger dn or is a high profile school. They may even get EY funding to offset the cost until dn turns 5. If they later attend the same school sil works at she may get a discount.

You say you are resentful. What would you hope they might do to redress your perceived imbalance?

I’ve googled the school and it is £6,485 per term, not a high profile school as far as I can tell.

OP posts:
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