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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have expected DP to come and be with me? *trigger warning baby loss*

38 replies

avarteayaya · 06/07/2024 21:14

Prepared to be told I am BU.

I'm almost qualified as a midwife, I work on placement 48 + hours a week atm.

Had a really tough day, had my first full term stillbirth case. Whole situation was (obviously) horrendous. I communicated this via text to DP, when on my break.

We only see each other 1-2 times a week, yesterday we pencilled in him coming over today depending on how tired I was after work.

I have depression, and I have been feeling down and struggling a bit recently. He knows that.

Before the end of my shift I brought it up, and he said he was expecting me to let him know. He was out at the pub watching the football with his friends and said he doubts he'll be free.

He's between jobs, so has weeks and weeks of doing absolutely nothing. He sees his friends virtually every day. He lives under ten minutes away from me.

AIBU to be upset by this? I don't want to overreact but I really can't be arsed with him.

OP posts:
WednesdayWeWearPink · 06/07/2024 21:46

Did you tell him you wanted to see him? It’s simply possible that he doesn’t appreciate how hard today would have been for you.

Original poster
avarteayaya · 06/07/2024 21:42

Londonrach1 · 06/07/2024 21:40

I kinda get the football thing as it's england...what's he like normally. Do you have any friends who can support you tonight. Did you have a boss or someone to support you. Re him rethink his normal behaviour normally.

Thank you.

He has been out to watch every England game so far, and he doesn't even watch/follow football.

I finished work after the match had finished, so he could've come afterwards.

OP posts:
hari27 · 06/07/2024 21:41

@avarteayaya thats good. Having been where the lady was its people like you that get those of us in her place through. It’s people like you we trust in. So I suppose my point is rely on those closest to you in the team. Reach out there. Your relationship is separate and if you asked for him to be there for a bad day and he wasn’t. That’s your answer.

Londonrach1 · 06/07/2024 21:40

I kinda get the football thing as it's england...what's he like normally. Do you have any friends who can support you tonight. Did you have a boss or someone to support you. Re him rethink his normal behaviour normally.

Original poster
avarteayaya · 06/07/2024 21:38

turnipsarelush · 06/07/2024 21:36

How long have you been with him?
And if he's out watching the football with his mates there's a strong chance he's pissed so probably won't be the best person to have around.
Also, unless he has been similarly affected or trained in counselling he may not be the best person to talk to.

On and off for five years.

I don't want to use him to offload, or speak to about it. It just would've been nice to have the company and have him be with me.

OP posts:
turnipsarelush · 06/07/2024 21:36

How long have you been with him?
And if he's out watching the football with his mates there's a strong chance he's pissed so probably won't be the best person to have around.
Also, unless he has been similarly affected or trained in counselling he may not be the best person to talk to.

Lyra87 · 06/07/2024 21:35

Yanbu. You don't mention how long you're together though. New relationship of a couple of months, I may be willing to give a second chance. More than six months, I'd end it.

Original poster
avarteayaya · 06/07/2024 21:30

hari27 · 06/07/2024 21:25

I’m not sure how to correctly respond to this.

so step by step.

your work requires a strength of mind and control you perhaps do not have just now.

your relationship is a separate matter. I’ve had a bad day at work. Perhaps. But emotional support from someone you see once or twice a week. I see the postman more than that. He’s shown you that by his response.

you are struggling at your own admission and today would have horrific. But you perhaps need to step back and look after your own mental health in order to do this extremely difficult job.
reach out to work. To support systems in place. To the correct places.

I find it difficult to word this but it’s not about you perse. Projecting your grief onto him. I’ve been married 25 years and I’m not sure how much if ever. Perhaps once. I have done that to DH. vice versa. Him to me. Once maybe.

its difficult but I’m not sure how much you should be sharing with him other than tough day. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive as a rural area and he would be able to connect dots.

I work in a city that's over 20 miles from where we live, he won't be able to connect any dots and I haven't given any details.

We don't usually see each other this little, but it's unavoidable at the moment.

I will be fine regarding what happened today, it is horrific but I absolutely can cope. It's just a knock after an already bad week. I don't feel I need to take a step back from work at the moment.

I'm also not projecting any grief onto him. If he was having a shit time and then had a shit day, I'd go and be with him. He's out doing what he does every day.

Thank you so much for your response, I've taken on board all you've said.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 06/07/2024 21:27

If he's just on a random night with the boys and not anything 'special ' and he has the means to get to you then yes it's a bit shit of him and he's showing you where his priorities are. Unless he rocks up later with a very good reason I wouldn't be bothered by pursuing the relationship further. Does he have form for not prioritising you/ the relationship?

I'm sorry you (and that family) had to go through that. It sounds incredibly distressing for everyone involved. Hope you have other support in place and you're able to be gentle with yourself over the next while.

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/07/2024 21:26

Being between jobs and pissing money away down the pub not a good catch
I'm really sorry you had this happen, I'm sure you were a great support for the mum and much appreciated

Now it's your time, when you feel steady enough go find what you need, and dont settle for less...ever 💐

hari27 · 06/07/2024 21:25

I’m not sure how to correctly respond to this.

so step by step.

your work requires a strength of mind and control you perhaps do not have just now.

your relationship is a separate matter. I’ve had a bad day at work. Perhaps. But emotional support from someone you see once or twice a week. I see the postman more than that. He’s shown you that by his response.

you are struggling at your own admission and today would have horrific. But you perhaps need to step back and look after your own mental health in order to do this extremely difficult job.
reach out to work. To support systems in place. To the correct places.

I find it difficult to word this but it’s not about you perse. Projecting your grief onto him. I’ve been married 25 years and I’m not sure how much if ever. Perhaps once. I have done that to DH. vice versa. Him to me. Once maybe.

its difficult but I’m not sure how much you should be sharing with him other than tough day. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive as a rural area and he would be able to connect dots.

Original poster
avarteayaya · 06/07/2024 21:21

Dinnerdinnerchickenwinner · 06/07/2024 21:19

He's shown you who he is, it's up to you to decide what to do now.

Thank you

OP posts:
Dinnerdinnerchickenwinner · 06/07/2024 21:19

He's shown you who he is, it's up to you to decide what to do now.