Is it always another woman?

My DB left his wife suddenly and moved in with us. I know there was no OW because he didn’t leave his bedroom. First, with depression and then because of lockdown a few months later. He didn’t date again for around three years. I’d say it’s usually an OW, but not always.

It's not always another woman. I know people who have left the marriage because they were very unhappy in the relationship. No-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Having said that, it quite often is an affair or having met someone they're attracted to. Either way, try not to get involved with DB/SIL situation and take sides - which is hard I know. Be there for your little nephews and offer to help out with them.

My closest male friend ended his marriage after his wife drunkenly confessed that their "whoopsy" baby was actually planned by her, she'd stopped taking contraception after he'd been explicit he didn't want another. Definitely no OW there.

I think anyone who announces they have been unhappy for ages and gets to the point of leaving while the other party has no idea is not at all behaving respectfully and taking away any chance for the family unit to survive. When ex left (for OW in his case but he didn't deny it when I found out) what was really hard to cope with was the idea that I had had no say or input into the ending of the marriage. He decided it all by himself for both of us and our children.
OP I disagree with the pp who says that he's your DB so you have to support him regardless. If he's been a twat and does not do absolutely the right thing by SIL and kids with regard to finances, ongoing childcare etc then I really hope you won't condone it on the basis of family only. People are people and blood relationships don't or shouldn't always trump everything.

Women tend to be more financially tied as well.

if they’ve given up work, reduced their hours to be the main child carer they can’t afford to walk out. Even if they could, that dynamic means it’s much harder to leave the kids as they know dad hasn’t been doing the day to day parenting and with working full time there’s no childcare in place if they did leave, so he’d have to give up work and they’d all be in the financial shit.

my brother left because his wife was shagging someone else. He did the gentlemanly thing and didn’t let on. She was devastated for a while when she realised she’d been caught and the marriage was over, but soon had OM moved in.

If you have a good relationship with your SIL I think you should try to stay in touch with her, as much for the children's sake as anything.
Obviously it can be tricky but it is possible to do and can help your DB and his wife to establish an amicable relationship going forward.
At the end of the day the welfare of your nephews is paramount.

I agree. I finished my first marriage for that reason. There was nobody else on the scene for years.

My now dh. He left his first wife because she was controlling and he couldn't take it anymore. No other woman involved and he was single for a little while I believe. And yes, small children... he'd suggested marriage counselling, but she'd refused.

Another woman usually, sometimes another man.

The man usually follows The Script.
'There's no one else, fallen out of love, DW is unreasonable/unhinged blah blah blah.
Meets the other woman within weeks of moving out.'

What's really happened is his head's been turned, he's thinking with his dick, it's 'his DW's fault not his', and he's either been shagging the OW or wants to.

Of course it isn’t always.

But equally often even the idea that they could imagine something with another person is what makes them realise the relationship was dead long before.

Even when there is another party it isn’t always the reason for the split, often it’s just the push.

One of my closest friends asked his wife for a divorce out of the blue on their family holiday (!) but no, no new relationship. He spent the next year playing video games in a rental that was furnished (outside the children’s bedrooms) only with a single armchair, tv and PlayStation. I knew when he bought furniture that he’d started OLD.

Something similar happened with my brother. No other woman (or man) involved but things in the marriage had changed and he wasn’t happy for a long time. You won’t ever really know what goes on in someone else’s marriage. Best not to judge, take what he tells you at face value, and support, the family.

Yeah

And they rewrite history. Saying they've been unhappy for years 🙄 when the wife is oblivious or has recently enjoyed loving times.

I know a man who left because his wife was physically abusive and a compulsive spender so they were on the verge of losing their home. He did eventually meet someone else but it was years later.

Ime, 99% another woman.

Many of my peers have split and I can think of only one split where the husband wasn't shagging someone else.

My bro split because of huge differences in resolving conflict.

He admitted later he had doubts before the wedding so silly of him

Was definitely single for a long time as lived with my
Parents and no women. Dates going out wtc.

Nobody really knows except him. Maybe he had his head turned and it gave him the kick he needed to realise his marriage was over. Maybe he has had a full on affair. Maybe none of that. Nobody knows and to me it doesn't really matter. He's still the same person and the marriage is still over.

If it were my brother I'd just take it at face value and support him and the family as best as possible. He seems quite set on that course of action now so no point speculating, just support.

I actually don’t think it’s always or even usually someone else, I think it’s the ‘is this all there is’ that women get too, but men follow through on it and decide to try and find themselves whereas women actually think of their kids and the splitting of the family

I think it might be that it is OW but perhaps it depends how far things have gone? I think sometimes things get bad and merely talking to someone else who seems interested opens the door to ‘what my life could look like if I wasn’t with X’?

I know someone who dumped their wife twice (yes, she took him back after the first time and they remarried) and both times soon after the breakup he started hanging out with the same woman…

Now, might have been a coincidence and I don’t know either of them well enough but while the official story was ‘he wasn’t happy’, now that I think about it, it was just a bit too much of a coincidence… 🙄

A lot of marriages are well and truly dead in the water and completely over long long before it’s announced and one of them leaves

the catalyst for eventually calling it a day is the meeting someone else and it seems a way out this has not caused the breakdown

many a true word in you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors

It might not be another woman right now but it might be the desire to have another woman in the future.

No one ever knows what goes on in a relationship except the couple themselves.

I think you have to give your DB the benefit of the doubt for now.
If he's unhappy and has been for years surely it's better to split rather than struggle on for more years?

I've never known that happen, either.

Support your SIL as much as you can. Too many in laws just keep away after a divorce so the woman ends up losing everything.

Does it matter, they r splitting up, not yr circus not yr monkeys.

Give it time, she'll appear.