Is it always another woman?

No

Happened to a friend of mine. Blindsided. He’d ’been unhappy for a while’. ‘New’ girlfriend appeared within weeks.

Not been happy for years, did that happen to coincide with having children? Hope he's having 50/50 custody.

I have to say ppl, especially women say they're blindsided, but if the intimacy and affection is a distant memory and you're just plodding along, there was a problem.

My EX SIL tried to say she was blindsided. What really blindsided her, is that my DB said he reacted a divorce after many years of raising the issues with her.

She took the view that nobody in our family was divorced and whatever the problems, he wouldn't want a divorce. So when he said there was a problem, her response was let's get divorced then. That scared him, until it didn't.. the next time he mentioned an issue, she said let's get divorced if you're not happy he said okay, let's do that.

She never wanted to work on the issues and just expected him to put up and shut up.. she wanted to stay married.

She couldn't believe it when he said he wanted a divorce and she was the one dragging her feet and delaying in signing the papers.

Acting blindsided, when there were issues is sympathy seeking IMO.

I'm not saying some ppl are not genuinely blindsided. My friend was one of them.

They had sex the night before, then the following afternoon, he says he's not in love with her and is leaving. After 25 years of marriage, that's how he ended it.

Another woman emerged within a month. Of course this woman was always there, but my friend is in denial. I think she's knows he was cheating, but it's probably too painful to say.

@BibbleandSqwauk hear hear.

There are ways to end a relationship.

Just because you want out, for whatever reason, is fine but if you leave your spouse and dcs high and dry, in shock and distress because of your drama, then it's definitely twatty.

@ChocolateTea , I agree, but there usually is. Sorry about what happened to you.

My exhusband walked out and there wasn’t another woman. We’d gone through a lot of shit and coming out the other side he just said he didn’t want to do it anymore. Blindsided me.

i agree that the majority of time there is another woman. But sometimes there isn’t.

Ending a marriage with no prior discussion as to the issues so that both might have a chance to consider things, look at changes etc is twatty. Up and going and leaving the other parent to cope with the everyday stuff of parenting while their life has come crashing down is twatty. Expecting that person to just shut up and accept it and not say anything that might make them feel bad is twatty. Blaming that person for their "unhappiness" and the drama is twatty. Being angry with that person because they won't just accept being the default parent 26/30 days with minimal financial support is twatty. Most of those things come alongside the "leaving because I've been unhappy for ages" shtick.

I agree anyone can leave a relationship at any time but actually, especially if you have children, I think it's massively twatty to do that to the other spouse and the children with no effort whatsoever to address the issues. ..unless of course the issue is OW/OM and they dont want that "solved".

I’m curious whether anyone actually knows any man that has ended a marriage with young kids and there is no other woman involved? I can’t think of a single one that I know personally.

Yes, my brother ended his marriage over 20 years ago and there was no other woman involved and there hasn't been another woman since.

Turns out his wife did have another man.

Usually yes. When my exH left me with 2 young DC for OW and I was at my experienced GPs asking for pills for stress, my GP was quite confident that men can often do this (reassuring me it wasn't just me who was conned). Men usually wait for a soft landing (on new pillow) before leaving, while women are more upfront on wanting to resolve issues.

Usually yes. When my exH left me with 2 young DC for OW and I was at my experienced GPs asking for pills for stress, my GP was quite confident that men can often do this (reassuring me it wasn't just me who was conned). Men usually wait for a soft landing (on new pillow) before leaving, while women are more upfront on wanting to resolve issues.

Also know a man who divorced his newish wife - who he married when they were early 40s - because he discovered she'd lied about her age, and he wanted kids and they were going for IVF and then he found out she was older than she'd said. No other woman.

Yes, I know one too. It was so bad social services were involved and she wasn't allowed to be left alone with the kids. Mind you, he was a serial adulterer.

Well this is exactly what I was thinking.

My late father-in-law (who I never met) apparently left his second wife due to her mental health issues that led to domestic violence. This would have been the early 1960s. He outlived his first wife, and the third wife (My MIL) outlived him. She was very much not not on the scene when he left his second wife.

Whatever has gone on here (and you won't know all the ins & outs of their marriage if you didn't live with it) is that a lot of people are going to need a lot of support. If you love them, you will offer it.

My Dad was a serial adulterer, must have chatted on my Mum with 20 women, including her sister. When he finally decided he wanted a divorce, he actually didn't have anyone else on the go. (This is definitely true, he was a religious diary keeper and I've read them)

One of my best friends is also currently divorcing. I'm as confident as I can be that he's not seeing anyone else (mainly because he keeps asking me to go down the pub with him nightly!). He just couldn't cope with the bickering any more, after 4 years of marriage he just realised fundamentally didn't like each other.

Not always, but in my experience, usually. Men aren't good at being alone (I know there'll be a zillion retorts to this about Great Uncle Gerald who's happily lived in a cave for 50 years, good for him) and they don't tend to leave for an empty bed.

Ending a marriage if you're not happy doesn't make him a twat as a pp so eloquently put it.

It's better than staying when he's no longer in love with her, whether he has another woman or not. She deserves better than that.

Ploding along in a marriage isn't good enough.

Totally agree with this. I can't bear those who defend awfully behaviour cos fammmly.

I'll never know if there was an OW on the scene when my ex broke up our family. I never heard about anyone but his friends are sly and he could have easily had met someone at his work as he had before we were together.

He may have been shagging someone and then it ended. Ill probably never know and don't bother tormenting myself tbh.

My DB ended his marriage with small kids and no OW was involved.

Like your brother, he wasn't happy and when he tried to raise it with ex SIL, she shut him down.

I always wonder when ppl say they're blindsided, if they just ignored the reality of what was happening.

It sounds like your DB has checked out of the marriage, and she had no idea, hence he doesn't want counselling.
I suggested the same to my DB and ex SIL, but by then it was too late.

Nah, come on. There's a difference between a genuine accident and deliberate deception. It's comparable to stealthing imo.

@Thepeopleversuswork I don't Think anyone is blaming ow/om.

It has always been surprise and shock about the revelation of long term unhappiness felt by every single one of those who have split in my friendship groups (I'm talking about 11 - perhaps not a significant stat), followed by the revelation of an affair partner.

It usually happens when their dcs reach secondary school.

Still, there are myriad different experiences out there.

I still firmly believe men very rarely leave without an ow waiting.

dad was an alkie

That's absolutely fucking awful of him. He obviously didn't wear a condom! He could have taken an equal responsibility on contraception instead of leaving his wife do it all.

Then he left her?

What a shite man.

What the wife did was shite too.

Even if they haven’t started sleeping together yet it’s normally a huge emotional affair declared feelings but if only I was single/if only you where single. Leading ons. Then suddenly the wife is fish wife.

Men are mostly like monkeys… a hand firmly on that next branch before they let go of the first.