Long lost family. Two minds.

I think you should protect yourself here, while doing what you can do, without doing violence to yourself, to signal that you would not allow your own children to be around him. I also think that your own experience and your memories are valuable here, and that you should be wary of sharing them with someone who may not value them, especially as part of you would love a closer relationship, especially when you've already suffered so much rejection.

Might some counselling (preferably with someone specialist in post-fostering/adoption situations) help here? I know it's required when an adopted adult decides to seek out birth family, as it tends to unleash so much potential for pain.

The cousin isn't after contact or a relationship with you she's solely after information.

I agree with the PP who says stick to factual - removed from care of your parents due to abuse by your father and mother failing to keep you safe. You wouldn't allow him near your children and indeed do not. I would remind her he would be furious if he thought people were talking about him, including her. I'd wish her well and hope her children were safe.

Then I would expect never to hear from her again.

I would say what previous posters have said but I would also say how hard you are finding this to respond at all considering how you were cut off from family and they chose to side with him over a child which is still hurtful and by giving information you are worried of the fall out for you now too.

It's not your job to protect their feelings now (they should have protected you when you were a child!) so I'd be factual and truthful (as long as it doesn't hurt you more)

So sorry for what you went through @Chickencuddle , so glad to hear you have made a good life for yourself now. 💐
I agree with posters saying give just basic information and only if you want to. If your cousin had wanted to have a relationship with you she would have tried by now, there was a chance when you were informed of your mother's death, but they never pursued it.
Look after yourself OP 🌹

That's so hard. Could you just say something like,

"I was removed from my father and placed into care because he was abusive and I strongly believe he will be a safeguarding risk to your children. I won't go into further details as obviously this was hugely traumatic for me."

Factual but cold. I don't think she deserves a relationship with you.

I wouldn’t want to think that kids could be put at risk, so I would probably say something like “It’s very hard to talk about, and I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but I wouldn’t have my kids anywhere near him”.

Often families can ignore all the red flags because it makes them more comfortable to believe that their relative would never do something like that! I had a relative who was in court for sexual offences and was found not guilty ( as so many guilty people often are) I remain convinced he is 100% guilty and have had to cut contact with other relatives who despite glaring inconsistencies in his story choose to believe him because it's easier than facing the truth! The absolute mysoginistic rubbish coming out the mouths of his female relatives was utterly disturbing! In your situation op i would just state that if you were in her position you absolutely would not leave your kids in any form of contact with him and leave it at that!

I agree that's quite likely to happen but where there are children involved it's very difficult to not do the right thing by them even though the kindness may well not be reciprocated by the OP's cousin.

What an awful experience for you growing up OP. I can appreciate what a conflict you are now going through with this request from your cousin.

What PPs have said is a good, simple version of the truth and I think if you don't reply at all you'll feel worse because of the danger to her children.

If it were me I'd be tempted to slip in a small comment about them having maintained contact with your Dad " TBH it always suprised me that you chose to keep in touch with him rather than me...." - but that's just me being snarky and you're prob better to say less and not provoke further questions from your cousin if you'd rather not go down the route of very bad memories which is more than understandable.

Be careful. I had a cousin contact me for info about the family saying we must meet up etc, which I willingly gave, but then she completely blanked me once she got what she wanted. I wish I hadn’t given the info.
once you say it you can’t take it back.

Same as PP, I would not go into personal details that may harm your mental health, but would say to your cousin that she should not have her kids around him and leave it at that. You can also say that for your own sanity you would not be sharing more, but would love to keep in touch with her if she would like to.

I think you could say that you personally wouldn’t have your children around him, and leave it up to her what she takes from that?
I couldn’t say nothing, as her children could be at risk