Long lost family. Two minds.

OP was there an original social services report that you have access to? You might, if you wanted, send her that. It’s an objective/official account of the reasons you were removed. You didn’t write it, it’s part of the record. It probably has the information she wants and you don’t have to go through all the details yourself…

@Chickencuddle how are you? You wrote here about your relationship problems in the past - are things a little better? Hope you are your children are doing okay x

I would do all I could to safeguard any child from him. Therefore, despite your feelings, I think you have a responsibility to tell her that he's not safe to be around children and that, whilst you don't want to give details, she needs to understand that he's not a good person to have around children.

I'm so sorry for your children. It can be incredibly awkward as a family member in these circumstances, were you close to your cousin and aunt? Your cousin presumably was a child so couldn't maintain contact independently. Your aunt may have felt conflicted. I am an aunt to children in foster care. We had a very minimal relationship due to their parents behaviour and so it felt very strange to suddenly reach out. I also fear the consequences if my sister in law finds out as she won't leave us alone and we have kids too. I hope the kids don't feel bad about it when they're older.

I'm glad you've found a good life for yourself. I would answer your cousin and then block them if they cause you upset. Life's too short and you deserve to be happy.

You didn’t have to answer her questions or give her surviving information.

the earlier short factual response was perfect. You were removed from him. You would not advise children near him. Then close the door. A relationship may or may not develop with your cousin, but it didn’t have to be 0 to 100mph.

I mean, you got put in care ffs! What does she think happened to cause that. Sorry, getting angry on your behalf. From her reply to you it sounds like she's more after her own peace of mind, rather than accepting something awful happened and everyone abandoned you.

Your fear about your father getting back in touch is real to you. You are allowed to feel it and work through it at your own pace, telling your story to who you choose, when you choose to, not to appease other's guilt at their failure to protect you.

It's really, really hard. Wishing I'd name changed before posting so I could say more about my own situation, but let's just say I can empathise through experience and it sucks. I've seen many counsellors, some better than others, which I've found it really valuable at times like these. Take some space from your cousin if you need it and don't get drawn in if you don't want to. She shouldn't be putting a guilt trip on you to reveal more of what happened and saying she's worried about other family members. She should be saying sorry no-one believed you

i would say the truth. He cant do anything to you, especially if you are in another country. I think its just fear from the childhood, but its all over now. You dont have any contact with anyone in your family and in another country what can happen? you dont have to go into specifics, you could say that it was very traumatising time for you and you dont really want to share details but you wouldn't have kids around him for all the things she mentioned? I think it could be quite healing to say say your truth out loud.

You’re not selfish at all.

I wonder whether talking to someone from somewhere like Women’s Aid might help you work through what you want to do. Just a thought.

Do you have anyone in rl to talk this over with @Chickencuddle? I ask because it seems like you feel a responsibility to do something that might protect your cousin's children and guilt for not wanting to open it all up again (which is valid). I'm wondering if there is someone in your life who would send the factual email on your behalf, with an explanation that you don't want to get into further discussion about it. Then you are one step further removed and are not left open to a further reply landing in your inbox (which none of us know will happen or not). Would that help you feel like you've done what you can to protect your cousin's children and protect yourself in the process?

Your cousin is just being nosy . She knows what your dad is like and why you went into care . You've done so well up to now without them . Block and focus on your life and family.

I’d say what @Mostlycarbon said so that you can feel you’ve given information about the safety of her children but I think you need to disconnect giving this information from the opportunity to establish a relationship with her again as I’m not sure that this is where this will lead. She’s firmly enmeshed within the family and to establish a relationship with you she’d probably need to step away from them which I’m not sure she is offering to do.

I’d also keep it vague and tell her that in your opinion she shouldn’t leave her children with him.
You don’t need to go into personal details

Perfect response.

Factual and to the point. You will have done your bit by giving your cousin the info to protect her children without being dragged into conversations you don't need to have.

.

The fact that you were removed from her uncle's care should have told her everything she needed to know.

Oh, that makes things more complicated. Although, geographical distance could be useful as you won’t be rushing into frequent face to face meetings. Maybe give limited information to start, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. You may form a strong bond, things may go south, or just drift away again. I wish you all the best.

@Chickencuddle First of all, I’m very sorry for what happened to you, and I hope you realise how amazing you are to have overcome all of that to build a good life. You obviously have enormous strength of character and great resilience. I hope you take time to appreciate that in yourself.

I think maybe you’re dealing with two separate things here (and I don’t think you owe your father anything so I’d say put anything related to that aside. He has no power over you anymore - you have your own agency and don’t need to consider him)

First thing is about answering the question she has asked. As many previous posters have said, you can simply answer that you prefer not to discuss the details, but that you would not let your own children be in contact with him. She should be smart enough to understand what that means.

Second issue, and I’m trying to be very kind here, is your desire to have a relationship with her. I’d say based on her question that this might not be possible or what she’s asking for. So please don’t assume that you replying will result in that - that assumption will only lead to more pain for you. However people do mature with age and life stage so she might be in a different place - her latest message suggests some level of empathy. Just don’t hang your hat on this being the start of a new relationship with her.

I know this is really hard and painful but I think that the question that probably you might want be asking yourself is “am I able to help a mother protect her children based on what I know or will that come at such cost to my own mental health that I’m not able to engage in that?”

Sorry, probably a very clumsy way of saying that, forgive me if it’s not the right thing to say. But I personally wouldn’t judge you if you just can’t do that right now. You were taken into care so there were obviously concerns and she must know that children don’t get taken into care for nothing. As a PP said, there are various disclosures she could ask for from the police. The responsibility for this does not sit on you. The responsibility sits with the people who could have protected you, advocated for you, and not obfuscated or even lied about happened.

Whatever you decide, I think you sound like such a strong person who has overcome some much. Take a minute to be proud of who you are :)

OP, is there anyone who can act as an intermediary ? Foster parents, Children’s Services, NSPCC, Salvation Army ? Someone independent to help you both if there is a meeting.

Long Lost Family reunions where there hasn’t been abuse aren’t always happy clappy but where abuse is involved they should be taken very carefully.

Could you direct your cousin to Sarah's Law, so that they can make the necessary inquiries without involving you further?

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/#:~:text=Sarah's%20Law%20lets%20you%20ask,to%20report%20possible%20child%20abuse.

You being taken into care as a child is enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him until now.

You having no contact with your parents is enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him.

You having to go through life with no family support or back up should be enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him.

OP you got on with your life, without them. They didn't care about you then and they only care about themselves now.
Look forwards. Not backwards.

“Your family’s choice to abandon me first when we were both children and then when you didn’t bother to reply to me after my mother died have caused me a lot of pain and hurt. I am quite shocked that you are now contacting me because you want something without considering whether doing so could lead to further trauma for me. However, for the sake of your children I am willing to say the following “the worst things that you are imagining are almost certainly true and that no decent parent would have their children around my father.” Please only contact me again if you have a genuine wish to build a relationship with me. I will not be mined for any further information.”

I’d reply what @Mostlycarbon has suggested.

I would also add often other family members are shielded from it all. She may genuinely not known or understood it at the time. It may also be now she is a mother she is re- examining it all closer with a different lens.

However you must protect yourself at all costs and she should be respectful of this. I do hope she didn’t just message you that out of the blue like it’s been implied without checking in that you were ready to receive such a message.

I would do as pps have said and just say ‘you wouldn’t want children around him’. But, I also don’t think I would pursue any relationship with your cousin. They all abandoned you and I think they are likely to just bring chaos into your life and open up past trauma. They are all linked to a painful past for you, I would focus on the people you have around you now and leave all of the family in the past. They didn’t support you then and they are unlikely to support you now.