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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a man who's broke?

115 replies

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 13:34

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 06/07/2024 15:36

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:04

I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight, but I don't think he'd let me (also I think it would be weird at this stage in our non-realtionship). It's not that I'd have to pay for him, it's that we wouldn't be able to do things together.

Show quote history

OP, sounds like you’re in a “friends with benefits” scenario here (absolutely nothing wrong with FWB), but maybe while you’re opening a thread on MN about “financial incompatibility in a relationship” the last thing this man has in his mind is a “relationship” and he sees you as someone who he “hangs out every now and then” while here you are putting way too much thought into something that doesn’t deserve that much thought. I would say enjoy your FWB while it lasts and go on as many trips as you can. Life is short. Yours sounds like a healthy situationship. I wouldn’t put too much thought into it.

strawberryteacake · 06/07/2024 15:19

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:13

They don't have to be alcoholic. Last night in our group of 6, 2 didn't drink and 1 had a couple of shandies.

I know of a least one other who won't have an alcoholic drink tonight.

Show quote history

Right. Well, that was the impression I picked up from your posts. You seem to enjoy going out a lot. Were out last night, again tonight. And drinks were mentioned, and the cost thereof, as a factor for why he might have declined to go out for more jolly fun tonight...

Arightoldcarryabag · 06/07/2024 15:19

You do you OP, it is never unreasonable to have a set of ideals when looking for a partner or even someone to just date.

Personally, someone's finances are one of the very last things I'd be worried or concerned about but maybe you don't care about some things that I would, that's how the world is and if we were all the same it'd be even shitter than it is.

VotesAndGoats · 06/07/2024 15:16

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 13:34

The man in question isn't exactly skint, I don't think, basically solvent. He buys his share of drinks, has a reasonable standard of living etc.We're part of overlapping friendship groups and had been getting closer, the odd evening out, lots of messaging.

He's declined a group invitation for tonight on the basis he's been out every week (once a week) for the last 5 weeks and is feeling the pinch.

Now, it could just be an excuse because he doesn't want to go, but I'm at a stage in life (mortgage paid, DC grown up) where I finally don't need to think too hard about a night out or a weekend away and the idea of being with a man who does has suddenly changed the way I feel about him.

I'm not proud, a younger me would have been horrified, but I'm enjoying life currently and wouldn't want it restricted because my boyfriend/partner can't afford to do fun things as much as I can.

I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight, but I know he'd decline (which is good) and he wouldn't want me to sub him regularly if we were to get together any more than I'd want to do it.

AIBU?

He sounds like he's being sensible with his money. You sound like you want to spend money on things you enjoy. Neither right or wrong. Just where you are.

Just be honest that you want someone with more money and get on with it.

swayingpalmtree · 06/07/2024 15:16

If he's not for you then dump him.

You seem to be very unsure if you're doing the right thing- why is that?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/07/2024 15:15

Until you know for sure why this is you cant say if it is unreasonable or not. Maybe he has extra costs at the moment?

burnoutbabe · 06/07/2024 15:14

Adviceneeeeded · 06/07/2024 14:24

So he might not know you are going, he might just not like that event, or maybe this month Is a but tight.

I think you are being a bit harsh, but if he's not for you, he's not for you.

But wouldn't he then also who is going or be non committal until he knows who is going?

Being rigid in thinking (ie won't change mind once decided) is also not ideal,

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:13

needhelpwiththisplease · 06/07/2024 15:11

Is he not just politely declining so he can watch the footy in his local tonight??

We're going to watch the football, which actually could be one of the reasons it didn't appeal to him 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:13

strawberryteacake · 06/07/2024 15:10

Because of the number of times you have mentioned drinks, and paying for drinks:

He buys his share of drinks
I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight
I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight

Show quote history

They don't have to be alcoholic. Last night in our group of 6, 2 didn't drink and 1 had a couple of shandies.

I know of a least one other who won't have an alcoholic drink tonight.

OP posts:
needhelpwiththisplease · 06/07/2024 15:11

Is he not just politely declining so he can watch the footy in his local tonight??

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:11

MulberryBushRoundabout · 06/07/2024 15:07

I think you’re reading too much in to it to peg him as broke from the information you’ve given here.

But financial compatibility is as important as any other kind of compatibility, and it’s ok to want someone who can keep up with the lifestyle that you want to live.

Edited

Yes, my thread title was over dramatic, he's clearly solvent, but doesn't seem to have a lot of disposable income, which has been my story for most of my life, but I'm better placed now and enjoying it.

OP posts:
strawberryteacake · 06/07/2024 15:10

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:00

How so? I'm driving tonight.

Sometimes I have a drink, but not always, by any means.

Show quote history

Because of the number of times you have mentioned drinks, and paying for drinks:

He buys his share of drinks
I did think about offering to buy his drinks tonight
I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight

Olika · 06/07/2024 15:09

If you enjoy and can afford going out a lot at this stage in your life then you should go for a man who does the same so you can do it together.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 06/07/2024 15:07

I think you’re reading too much in to it to peg him as broke from the information you’ve given here.

But financial compatibility is as important as any other kind of compatibility, and it’s ok to want someone who can keep up with the lifestyle that you want to live.

NoTouch · 06/07/2024 15:04

YANBU for a relationship to succeed you need to be compatible and that includes financially compatible.

dh and I input very different amounts into the family pot, but we are financially compatible as we have similar attitudes to money and what it funds (neither of us are extravagant, or spend a lot on socialising or holidays/cars, designer gear etc)

The problem is you want to spend your time doing things that cost money and if he can't do the same things, whether that is due to finances, physical or mental health, personality that is a compatibility problem that will result in resentment for one or both of you.

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:04

beatrix1234 · 06/07/2024 15:00

Sounds like you have your life all “sorted out” and you’re looking for that someone to fit in, because of his different financial situation he’s not that person, so you either dump him and continue looking or accept him as is and invite him to the trips. Do keep in mind that he may also have a very specific type that he’s looking for and it may not be you. My experience in relationships is that you have to “give and take”, if someone is a great guy, supportive and loving partner I don’t mind the financial difference and paying for our trips.

Show quote history

I'd have gladly paid for his drinks tonight, but I don't think he'd let me (also I think it would be weird at this stage in our non-realtionship). It's not that I'd have to pay for him, it's that we wouldn't be able to do things together.

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 06/07/2024 15:03

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=szM7x0N9Ru4
Ok Gwen!

stayathomer · 06/07/2024 15:03

If you’re even thinking this unfortunately you’re just both wrong for each other. You obviously aren’t someone who could live the way he does and he doesn’t need or deserve someone who has ideas of how he should live. You’re just both different people (sorry op x)

multimillionaire · 06/07/2024 15:01

I wouldnt assume from that comment that he's broke. I have used the old "cant afford it" excuse when in reality I didnt really want to go out with those people.

That said, you can turn down anyone for whatever damn reason you like - you dont have to justify yourself to anyone so if he's not for you then dont date him!

HowIrresponsible · 06/07/2024 15:01

He isn't broke he just doesn't want to waste money going out so much.

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:01

Geiyotue · 06/07/2024 15:00

I think it can be financially if you are going out to the pub or for meals. It can easily be £30+ a night which I couldn't afford to spend every week.
It's not a lot in terms of time, necessarily, but it can be depending on the situation (my DH goes out weekly to a hobby and I do get fed up that it is literally every week all year round, it feels a lot).

Show quote history

This is it. When I had dependent DC it would have been out of the question for me. Now it's not, and I'm enjoying life.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 06/07/2024 15:00

Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 14:50

I'm not put out because he's not coming. I shall go and it will be a thoroughly good evening. It's more, looking at a possible future where e.g he wouldn't be able to do the trips I'd like to.

Show quote history

Sounds like you have your life all “sorted out” and you’re looking for that someone to fit in, because of his different financial situation he’s not that person, so you either dump him and continue looking or accept him as is and invite him to the trips. Do keep in mind that he may also have a very specific type that he’s looking for and it may not be you. My experience in relationships is that you have to “give and take”, if someone is a great guy, supportive and loving partner I don’t mind the financial difference and paying for our trips.

Original poster
Wogglefoot · 06/07/2024 15:00

strawberryteacake · 06/07/2024 14:52

You do seem to lead a very boozy life. Perhaps he's also mindful of his liver.

How so? I'm driving tonight.

Sometimes I have a drink, but not always, by any means.

OP posts:
Geiyotue · 06/07/2024 15:00

ByCupidStunt · 06/07/2024 13:52

He's been out once a week. Do you think that once a week is going out a lot? Genuine question.

Show quote history

I think it can be financially if you are going out to the pub or for meals. It can easily be £30+ a night which I couldn't afford to spend every week.
It's not a lot in terms of time, necessarily, but it can be depending on the situation (my DH goes out weekly to a hobby and I do get fed up that it is literally every week all year round, it feels a lot).

Netrandom · 06/07/2024 14:59

He sounds generous and sensible. You’re clearly unsuited