‘Do you have a family?’

It's a good opener so they can engage in a conversation about their own family or not.

People like to chat about things they have in common.

People asking this are just interested in you and trying to have a conversation/ find common ground. It's highly unlikely they're trying to get at you so I'd just be polite and if you don't want to talk about it deflect a bit.
Eg. 'no kids, but that's intentional, what about you?'
or
'yes, really lucky to still have my mum, what about you?'
Or even don't answer and just repeat the question back & ask some follow ups.

As my kids would say, it's not that deep.

Exactly this - it's just a way to start conversation. I don't think we can go round trying to change people's well meaning conversation starters because we might feel awkward. Perhaps just a 'kids no, but family yes, a large one actually who are brilliant. How about you? Kids? Family?' Ghen the conversation is back on them and the tiniest hint you've made about kids/family might get them thinking about how they ask the next woman they meet because let's face it, men don't get the same pitiful look if they say no.

I do think that while you should be sensitive to the potentially upsetting unknowns in a stranger's life when you're chatting to them then there is no need for rudeness on their part either. If you ask someone an outright "do you have any kids?" and they reply with "god, no! I don't like children" then that's just downright rude if the other person has a life which mainly revolves round their children who they love very much. You wouldn't say "Oh god, no, how awful, I hate old people" if someone told you they lived with their elderly parent, would you?

This. Though I do have a memory of some neighbours’ barbecue where I was asked it about three times in quick succession and starting counting on my fingers very slowly! Reciting ‘Mum, Dad, siblings by name, uncles on both sides, aunts on both sides, first cousins, second cousins, grandparents, Great Uncle Whatsit” etc. etc’.

In case it’s in any way consoling to the childfree who get irritated by being asked this a lot (and I do remember it because I had it for years), after I had a child at 39, the same type of person was still dissatisfied and immediately pivoted to ‘When’s the next?’ and when I said I wouldn’t be having more, said ‘But that’s so selfish! Lonely only!’ I think I did get exasperated once and ask them for the exact number of and gaps between their children, as clearly they felt I should be copying them. That type isn’t too alert to sarcasm, though.

They could be unhappily single though. And then you've just drawn attention to their feelings over that and brought them down

If people are so unhappily single that they cannot cope with being asked if they have a family that strikes me as “them“ problem and something that they need to work on rather than the rest of the world having to tip toe around totally normal conversation starters lest someone be offended.

I actually prefer @CurlyhairedAssassin ge really speaking but I can guarantee someone will get offended with that on behalf of those who cannot afford/are too ill to do anything outside of work.

They could be unhappily single though. And then you've just drawn attention to their feelings over that and brought them down. Or even "happily single" could be a sign to the person you're talking to that you're not interested in looking for a relationship wtih anyone, when they might have been keen to see if you were potential date material. Both sides need to be careful how they choose to phrase things.

My recollection of the it’s rude to ask someone “do you have children” thread that was that most people preferred the “do you have family”.

If I ask someone if they have family then I absolutely mean it in the broader sense and would be interested to hear that they live with their mum or that they love living alone but have three dogs.

I think family is a much broader concept than spouse and children, I often ask people if they have siblings or do they get to spend much time with their parents.

it’s eye opening that people are so prickly, it’s conversation that most people engage in in good faith.

You know what they are asking so I would just answer. No, I'm happily single, how about you? or It's just me and my sausage dog Boris, how about you? or 'No kids but I'm really close to my Mum, she lives just around the corner from me. How about you?'

They are trying to make polite conversation so conventional says you makes polite conversation back. Just saying no and offering nothing in return is always going to lead to awkwardness as you are placing the onus of making conversation on the other person.

👏👏👏👏

That's surely a bit different in a financial review. You need to know if they have dependants.

That would be my instinctive response but obviously I’d never say it out loud…

I work in financial services and conduct financial reviews. At the start we have to have a bit of a chat and get to know the clients.. this is a question we have to ask..

If you're asking because there are financial implications of, for example, being married (and so if they say partner, you'd need to ask them to clarify if they mean spouse), then tbh I think it's fine to just ask. It's a relevant question. Not a random bit of noseyness.

I don't tend to ask this question in a smalltalk situation because if people DO have a partner/spouse and/or kids they tend to bring it up themselves and it's far better to ask a very general question as an opener.

eg if you asked most people "so what do you like to do outside of the fun/chaos/whatever of this job then?" they might often say "well, I've 2 young children so I don't have much time to myself so these conferences are quite relaxing for me ha ha". Or they might say "well, I don't have any ties apart from elderly parents so I have quite a lot of time to indulge my hobby of x/y/z/go travelling" and then the conversation can involve any of those things instead. Or "well there's just me and my dog, I love to get out of a weekend with him, I drive all over to find new places with great walks and a dog friendly pub" etc etc. And off the conversation goes to discuss dog ownership/pubs/walking etc

I don't think it's necessary to specifically ask if someone has any kids to start a small talk conversation with them, and people should be sensitive to others' potentially traumatic personal experiences. eg some people are bereaved parents or widows/ers. If your first question is "do you have a family?" and they lost their fiance in a car crash 2 years ago and haven't dated since then what are they supposed to answer? It's a whole raft of hurt for them.

I work in financial services and conduct financial reviews. At the start we have to have a bit of a chat and get to know the clients.. this is a question we have to ask..

This is my all time favourite response.

Answer with a question.

By family, do you mean children?

Yes.

Why do you ask?

Oh, I was just wondering how you had arranged childcare for tonight.

Why be rude to someone who's just trying to make conversation? I agree it's a daft way to ask-but just say "No, I don't. Do you have a long commute?" Or something equally inane. It's just chat.

I don't have kids and when people ask me it doesn't bother me but quite often they are then embarrassed like they have uncovered my deepest wound and say oh sorry or something and that makes it awkward. I do think if you say no thank goodness it sounds a bit defensive.

I think as it becomes more common and accepted that many women won't have children perhaps people will stop asking? I think as well sometimes its a man's way of finding out if you are available if you are over 30 and not wearing a wedding ring.

Surely instead of "no" you answer "yes, I have parents and cousins and etc" exactly as you've said here?
Your implication is that they are actually asking you whether you have a partner and children, and your answer to that is no. Asking someone if they have children is insensitive (there's another recent thread on this), and in this case your colleagues are asking you a more sensitive question that allows you to answer with what your family actually includes. They are being considerate.
If someone asks me whether I have a family I answer that I have two dogs and my siblings live nearby. Family is different for everyone.

😂

Family is what we choose for ourselves, so I say 'yeah, I have a husband and a dog'. Or 'do you mean a kid? Nope' then change the subject because I don't want to hear about anyone's child.
It's rude for people to claim the word family means 'a child'.